Esther Perel: How to Find, Build & Maintain Healthy Romantic Relationships
Curated from: Huberman Lab
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Cornerstone vs Capstone Marriage
2 ways to view marriage (or serious relationships in general)
- Capstone marriage: Where marriage is seen as a kind of reward after you’ve accomplished a certain number of goals in your life, whether they are professional, personal, etc.
- Cornerstone marriage: It’s where your marriage is your starting point, something from which you build a life.
Both have challenges:
- In a capstone mentality your high standards and evolution as a person may make finding someone difficult.
- In cornerstone ones, the people in the relationship define themselves as part of a unit and less as a unique individual.
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The Power of Apologies and Overcoming Shame
Some people never say sorry. According to Esther Perel, this is because they have a strong sense of shame. But admitting one's mistakes and imperfections should not be a reflection of self-worth. In fact, being able to acknowledge and apologize for mistakes shows strength and vulnerability.
By separating our sense of self from a perfect image, we can overcome the shame that holds us back from apologizing.
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"Self esteem is your ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard"
TERRY REAL
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967 reads
Sex: A Place You Go, Not What You Do
Traditional sexuality was all about procreation. Modern sexuality is now often identified with performance: how many times, how many partners, and what types of sex. Sex has become something you do rather than something you experience.
Esther Perel proposes a new mindset. Sex as an experience. "Sex is a place you go." So where do you want to go?
- Seek deep spiritual union?
- Experience deep connection?
- Transcend daily life?
- Surrender and be vulnerable?
- Be naughty or kinky?
- Abdicate responsibility?
Sex is never just sex. Sexuality is a code for our deepest emotional needs: our wounds, fears & aspirations.
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Upgrade Your Sex Life & Relationship
Sexuality is a not a reflection of a relationship. It should not be assumed a loving relationship naturally leads to hot action in the bedroom. To Perel, sexuality and love run a parallel track. Eroticism has more to do with the joy of living & with feeling alive. It is a very personal expression of one's individuality, unburden by any external connection to another person.
And while love does not imply eroticism, the opposite is more common. Changing the sexual dynamic in a couple will improve the relationship as well.
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IDEAS CURATED BY
Life-long learner. Passionate about leadership, entrepreneurship, philosophy, Buddhism & SF. Founder @deepstash.
CURATOR'S NOTE
Esther Perel dropping some truth bombs as usual.
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