Self-sabotage and its causes

Relationships:

• You keep yourself isolated.
• You make so many demands on your partner that he or she feels smothered and ends the relationship.
• You judge everyone you meet as not being good enough for you.

Work:

• You keep putting off looking for the kind of job you want.
• You are able to work, and say you want to, but keep living off other means.
• You stay in a job that you hate.
• You keep yourself uneducated regarding doing what you really want to do.

Our personality and life experiences predispose us to dominant modes of thinking, but these can be biased in ways that are unhelpful in the majority of situations.

Maybe you tend to worry people are angry at you when usually this isn’t the case. Or you tend to hesitate too much in making decisions.

When you thoroughly understand your personal thinking errors, you’ll be able to correct these, and this will become easier and almost automatic with practice.            

Streamline your workflow so you can get simple things done without significant willpower.

For example, instead of having a container for pens and scissors in only one room of the house, have these in three different rooms to ensure better tidying.

Strategies like these save time and, more importantly, help free you up mentally.

Self-destructive behaviors can become habits and can continually undermine your success and happiness.

Self-sabotage is when we want something, but somehow we never accomplish it, because somewhere deep in our subconscious we’re fighting against that goal:

• Our disorganization distracts us.
• We’re constantly overthinking all of our decisions.

• Procrastination. Start setting deadlines and mini-deadlines to work toward your objective.
• Negative self-talk/negative thinking. Be patient with yourself; be kind to yourself. Work to build yourself up.
• Perfectionism. It is an impossible standard that keeps you from moving forward.

• Don't let others dictate your behavior. Choose your responses to situations rather than reacting to them.
  
• Don't let others dictate your attitude. You can control your attitudes, responses and actions, but little else.
• Don't let others devalue your sense of self. The act of comparison can lead to internal conflict and lack of self-confidence.

Fight other sneaky self-sabotaging behaviors by owning your impact. Don't hand over the control of your behaviors, attitudes and sense of self-worth to other people without thinking.

... when you’re in a relationship. Think about those four horsemen of the relationships apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and how often do you exhibit any of them.

Try to observe your actions and strive to understand the reasons behind them.

It helps to view your relationship as a “work of art” that you two are co-creating together, in real-time.

The work-of-art mindset can help counter that pessimistic self-narrative. Instead, you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

Journal about the experiences in your relationship that trigger behaviors you experience as self-sabotaging. Ask yourself: What was happening? What did you feel at the time? What were you afraid of? How likely is it that the outcome you feared would happen?

Having an awareness of what triggers these behaviors can prepare us for the inevitable conflicts that arise.

Insecurity in relationships is inevitable because everybody has issues to work on.

It’s critical to know what yours are. With this insight, a person can then stop negative behaviors, learn to tolerate the discomfort, and engage in alternative and more healthy behavior.

All of the habits that you have right now — good or bad — are in your life because they provide a benefit to you, even if they are bad for you in other ways.

And because bad habits provide some type of benefit in your life, it's very difficult to simply eliminate them. Instead, you need to replace a bad habit with a new habit that provides a similar benefit.

• Choose a substitute for your bad habit. 
• Cut out as many triggers as possible. 
• Surround yourself with people who live the way you want to live.
• Visualize yourself succeeding and avoid negative self-talk.
• Plan for failure and find things that can help you bounce back when you make a mistake.
  

• Regular Aerobic Exercise: Great for both your physical and mental health. Increases the production of dopamine and boosts creativity.
• Preparing Your Own Meals. It’ll take some getting used to, but it’s a habit that’ll boost your health, wealth and productivity. 

• Create a Household Budget: the best habit to help you save money. A household budget helps to encourage frugality and discourage impulse spending. You’ll feel more motivated to engage in other good financial habits once you’ve got this in place.
• Financial Audits. This involves frequent checks as to whether you’re spending your money as wisely as possible.

Physical hunger

• It develops slowly over time.
• You desire a variety of food groups.
• You feel the sensation of fullness and take it as a cue to stop eating.
• You have no negative feelings about eating.

Emotional hunger

• It comes about suddenly or abruptly.
• You crave only certain foods.
• You may binge on food and not feel a sensation of fullness.
• You feel guilt or shame about eating.

While filling up could work in the moment, eating because of negative emotions often leaves people feeling more upset than before.

This cycle typically doesn’t end until a person addresses emotional needs head-on.

This goes back to your childhood. 

For example: if you’re drawn to the excitement of meeting and starting a relationship with someone who has a lack of morals, character and is untrustworthy, try to find out about how your parents’ unhealthy habits have affected your choice in partners.

If you have a fear of abandonment and rejection and you are constantly ‘setting’ up scenarios that lead to your disappointment, you are the puppeteer controlling this.