Consequences of love withdrawal - Deepstash
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Consequences of love withdrawal

There isn't a lot amount of scientific research on love withdrawal, but the few studies that exist turned up consistent findings: Children on the reveiving end tend to have lower self-esteem. They display signs of poorer emotional health overall and may even be more apt to engage in delinquent acts. If we consider a broader category of "psychological control" on the part of parents, older children who are treated this way are more likely than their peers to be depressed.

But the most striking long-term effect of love withdrawal is fear. Even as young adults, people who are treated that way by their parents are still likely to be unusually anxious. They tend to display a significant fear of failure. Their relationships tend to show a need to avoid attachment. 

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Unconditional parenting

Conditional parenting is mainly rooted in the school of thought known as behaviorism, commonly associated with the late B. F. Skinner. Here, external forces, such as what someone has previously been rewarded or punished for doing, account for how...

227

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The distinction between power-based and love-based discipline is not all there is

Power-based discipline is obviously a bad choice of parenting as it includes physical punishment like hitting or yelling. However, the love-based approach is not necessarily better if it includes love-withdrawal. 

Both communicate to children that if they do something we don't like, we'll m...

220

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If we're not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in children and value short-term obedience above all.

ALFIE KOHN

240

3.69K reads

But unconditional parenting insists that the family ought to be a haven, a refuge, from such transactions. In particular, love from one's parents does not have to be paid for in any sense. It is purely and simply a gift. It is something to which all children are entit...

ALFIE KOHN

228

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Differences between conditional and unconditional aprenting

Conditional parenting:

  • Focus: Behavior (what can be observed from the outside)
  • View of Human Nature: Negative (child will abuse power or behave badly)
  • View of Parental Love: A privilege to be earned (and never to be given freely)
  • Strategies: "Doing to" (Control ...

250

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Few qualities are so important that we'd be willing to sacrifice everything else to achieve them. Maybe it's wiser to help children strike a balance between opposing pairs of qualities, so that they grow up to be self-reliant but also caring, or confiden...

ALFIE KOHN

225

1.84K reads

I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A "good" child---from infancy to adolesence---is one who isn't too much troub...

ALFIE KOHN

248

2.68K reads

Conditional Parenting

Conditional Parenting

We can love our children in different ways. The book looks at one such distinction---between loving kids for what they do and loving them for who they are.

The first is conditional, which means it must be earned by the children through acting in ways we de...

244

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There's a big difference, after all, between a child who does something because he or she believes it's the right thing to do and one who does it out of a sense of compulsion. Ensuring that children internalize our values isn't the same thing as helping them to develop th...

ALFIE KOHN

239

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Feelings of worthlessness

There are 4 different kinds of parenting styles that can lead to your child feeling worthless or defective.

  • Authoritarian parents: they want their children to obey rules but have little time to listen to their child's feelings or needs.
  • Permissive pa...

When you're in love

When humans fall in love, their bodies are actively producing feel-good hormones and preventing the release of negative hormones.

When this process suddenly stops, the "withdrawal" felt can be extremely difficult to process both on an emotional and physiological level.

Less independence and autonomy

American children have less independence and autonomy today.

  • Parents have become more concerned with safety.
  • Parents run the risk of being charged with neglect for letting children walk unsupervised.
  • Some parents usher their children from one structure...

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