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How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty: 6 Secrets From Experts
Being “too nice” can cause you problems
You're asked to do something, and you feel you should say no. However, if you say no, you'll be resented, so you are tempted to say yes. If you say yes, you're going to be frustrated with yourself and angry with them.
Research shows this cycle of awful feelings does damage to your relationships.
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Saying NO without guilt
- Notice how often people around you say no to each other every day. Also watch how others handle these situations.
- When you feel pressured for a yes, ask for time. It will allow you to calm down and evaluate whether you really want to do it ( "I need to check my calendar; I'll get back to you"/ "I've got to think about that; I'll let you know.")
- Saying no comfortably requires you to think what your values are. When you live by clear principles, it's easier to make decisions. People are more likely to respect your responses.
- Keep telling them that you can't help them. Then stay on repeat, even if they bring new angles of reasoning.
- When you want to help but can't commit to the specifics, make a counteroffer. You can offer someone a different resource or the name of someone else who might help.
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Recent research has shown that uncertainty scares people even more than knowing that things are going to actually end up badly.
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Manipulation by passive and covert aggression
- Passive-aggression is an indirect way to go on the offensive. An example is when someone tries to "get you back" by resisting cooperation and giving you the "...
What a covert aggressive looks like
- They pretend to be innocent, ignorant, or confused when they did something awful. This tactic is to make you question your judgment.
- They don't give a straight answer to a straight question, but evade the question or change the subject when cornered.
- They lie by omission or distortion by deliberately being vague.
- They may either respond with charm and flattery, of will suddenly be angry.
- They'll play the victim and make themselves out to be the one in distress.
- They rationalize by giving a plausible excuse for engaging in inappropriate behavior, or they will downplay their behavior.
- Covert aggressives don't feel bad, but they know you do. They will send you on a guilt trip so you will lighten your accusations.
How to deal with a covert-aggressive person
- Let go of the pretense that if you play nice, they will play nice.
- Know your vulnerabilities and focus on the one thing that really needs to change: yourself. You can only control what you do.
- Set some boundaries for yourself. Be prepared for the consequences and set a support system.
- Memorize the list of tactics used by an aggressive person. Then it is easier to recognize the attack.
- If you're willing to accept an excuse, know that they will fling excuses at you until one stick.
- Stay calm and polite, and avoid sarcasm, hostility, or threats.
- Without being rude, be specific about what you expect or want from the other person. Aggressives will only participate if they can get something out of it. If they have to lose, they'll make sure you go down too. Ensure you propose win-win solutions
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Know when you can safely say "no"
- Over one week, observe how you spend your time and energy. Keep note of how many times you say yes, no, or maybe to a request. Notice and record how each request made you feel.
- Identify the times you say no and everything still works out fine. This will help you to know how you can respond in the future.
- The requests that caused you anxiety: Ask yourself what the baggage behind it is. Does it remind you of old hurts and loss? The habit can also be a survival tactic to repress who you are.
Once you know where you can safely say no, try cutting back on saying yes.
Understand your bandwidth
Try to document your energy level and your calendar. How much did you have to do? Did saying yes to too many things mean your days were too busy?
Next time someone makes a request, assess your time and energy before taking on more tasks.
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