Being a Good Listener In Relationships

Loneliness is nothing new, but the last decade the feeling has expanded to alarming degrees. Loneliness used to mean being socially isolated, but now it means loss of connection, lack of trust, and mental isolation in between two people sitting next to each other.

The digital vortex offered by the smartphone, where we ‘doom scroll’ all the time, desperately trying to keep up with the avalanche of information and news, hasn’t made things easier.

It happens when your loved one is physically present but has gone absent in all other ways from any sort of relationship.

One can see it when a partner is half-listening to you, distracted on social media, or when during a phone conversation, you can feel that your partner is lost somewhere, and is lagging in his/her response.

We used to love solitude when there was hustle-bustle on the streets, but now when the whole world is isolated and the streets are not as before, solitude feels stressful.

These times of crisis and loss have made our coping mechanism become extreme and unpredictable.

Relationship problems during a crisis have only exacerbated, as people live in different countries while being under the same roof.

The current times are such that people already prone to depression, anxiety and stress are being triggered easily, and may not be aware of the internal dynamics of this behaviour.

1. A partner feels they are not heard or are speaking even though the other person does not want to listen. They also feel they have to initiate every conversation.
2. A partner cannot bear the other speaking and wants to make them stop, or is resisting conversations altogether.
3. A lack of empathy.
4. Defensiveness and criticism in a relationship.
5. Ego coming in between every conversation.

The path to reconnection is full of hard conversations with the ego kept aside. One can initiate discussions intentionally and set a time limit so that things do not go haywire.

When in a conversation deadlock, one can take a walk together, appreciating the willingness of the partner to engage. It helps to mention the positives and discuss one issue at a time.

• Listening is key, and proper listening comes with inquisitiveness, attentiveness and curiosity, and not from simply waiting for the partner to stop.
• If a partner stops talking, gently ask them to tell you more, while making them feel listened to and heard, with no competition or upstaging to massage your ego.
• Keep asking your partner to open up more and more.
• If the conversation is not possible, try texting or writing to each other.
• Remember that it is not about you, and if your selfishness, narcissism or ego comes in between, the conversation is over.