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Feeling Alone in a Relationship? You're not Alone

https://estherperel.com/blog/feeling-alone-in-a-relationship-youre-not-alone

estherperel.com

Feeling Alone in a Relationship? You're not Alone

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Loneliness And Loss Of Connection

Loneliness And Loss Of Connection

Loneliness is nothing new, but the last decade the feeling has expanded to alarming degrees. Loneliness used to mean being socially isolated, but now it means loss of connection, lack of trust, and mental isolation in between two people sitting next to each other.

The digital vortex offered by the smartphone, where we ‘doom scroll’ all the time, desperately trying to keep up with the avalanche of information and news, hasn’t made things easier.

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Ambiguous Loss

It happens when your loved one is physically present but has gone absent in all other ways from any sort of relationship.

One can see it when a partner is half-listening to you, distracted on social media, or when during a phone conversation, you can feel that your partner is lost somewhere, and is lagging in his/her response.

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Solitude In The Time Of Crisis

We used to love solitude when there was hustle-bustle on the streets, but now when the whole world is isolated and the streets are not as before, solitude feels stressful.

These times of crisis and loss have made our coping mechanism become extreme and unpredictable.

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Feeling Alone In A Relationship

Relationship problems during a crisis have only exacerbated, as people live in different countries while being under the same roof.

The current times are such that people already prone to depression, anxiety and stress are being triggered easily, and may not be aware of the internal dynamics of this behaviour.

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Feeling Alone In a Relationship: The Signs To Consider

  1. A partner feels they are not heard or are speaking even though the other person does not want to listen. They also feel they have to initiate every conversation.
  2. A partner cannot bear the other speaking and wants to make them stop, or is resisting conversations altogether.
  3. A lack of empathy.
  4. Defensiveness and criticism in a relationship.
  5. Ego coming in between every conversation.

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Reconnection Between Partners

The path to reconnection is full of hard conversations with the ego kept aside. One can initiate discussions intentionally and set a time limit so that things do not go haywire.

When in a conversation deadlock, one can take a walk together, appreciating the willingness of the partner to engage. It helps to mention the positives and discuss one issue at a time.

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Being a Good Listener In Relationships

  • Listening is key, and proper listening comes with inquisitiveness, attentiveness and curiosity, and not from simply waiting for the partner to stop.
  • If a partner stops talking, gently ask them to tell you more, while making them feel listened to and heard, with no competition or upstaging to massage your ego.
  • Keep asking your partner to open up more and more.
  • If the conversation is not possible, try texting or writing to each other.
  • Remember that it is not about you, and if your selfishness, narcissism or ego comes in between, the conversation is over.

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  • We need to find out how much tolerance we have of people that are different from us, whether it is their looks, background or belief patterns.
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Loneliness Around The Holidays

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Holiday Memories And Sacrifices

Much of the childhood holiday magic we remember was a sacrifice for most adults who wanted the time to be special for kids. True holiday spirit is a mix of pleasure, sacrifice and pain, a mix of emotions where our own sense of joy is hardly felt.

The holidays amplify the loneliness and sacrifice, due to the pandemic, global remoteness, joblessness, personal loss and the many unspoken feelings that become evident at this time.

Holiday Loneliness: Reaching Out To Others

  1. Call up your friends, or do virtual meetings.
  2. Adopt a dog.
  3. Start gardening.
  4. Cook with friends on a Facetime/Zoom call.
  5. Join virtual communities of your interest.
  6. Volunteer.
  7. Go to a nursing home and interact if possible.
  8. Join a virtual exercise session.

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Opportunity In Tragedy

Opportunity In Tragedy

Many of us can’t wait to get back to normal life. Others believe that is never going to happen, and that’s good.

Life before 2020 wasn’t perfect in any sense. We were financially, physi...

The New Normal

... requires a new mindset. Our lives are being redefined in front of our eyes, and this an opportunity to rebuild, reprioritize, reconnect, and even let go of some of the things that were holding us back long before the global crisis happened.

Feel The Pain

Many of us have lost our loved ones, jobs, human touch, safety and security, and many milestones of life. It is important to feel this misery, to experience the grief, as from this sadness and grief are what will help us accept reality, and provide us with the drive and energy to move forward. We cannot be stuck in denial any longer.