According to leading counter-terrorism experts, the same methods that aid communication and co-operation with terrorists and criminal suspects can be applied at home and work to solve relationship issues.

As people turn hostile, and the conversation gets harder, the techniques usually used for gaining the trust and co-operation of violent criminals start to work on our loved ones.

Whether it is a teenager, a boss, or a bank robber, one has to understand the communication style, quirks and language that is used, usually in these four major types:

1. T-Rex: The frank, forthright, and unfriendly person.
2. Lion: Confident and demanding.
3. Monkey: A social, warm and friendly person, who is unpredictable.
4. Mouse: A modest, humble and conflict-avoiding person, who may also be disengaged.

The ego is the enemy in any hostile relationship situation and the following four points need to be looked at:

1. Honesty: Always tell the truth.
2. Empathy: Try to relate to the other person, finding something common, or try to be in their shoes.
3. Autonomy: Respect the other person right of choice and decisions.
4. Reflection: Listen well and summarize what you have heard, ensuring the person understands that you have listened and understood perfectly well.

• With the help of the right communication, attitude and gestures, a rapport can be formed with the other person (like a teenager or a spouse).
• The power balance needs to be restored/shared, so the person who is ‘closed’ finds a reason to open up.
• Threatening, blackmailing and trickery rarely work in such situations, with a humble, submissive and empathetic person having a much better chance at being effective.