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Improve your relationships – with advice from counter-terrorism experts

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/01/improve-your-relationships-with-advice-from-counter-terrorism-experts

theguardian.com

Improve your relationships – with advice from counter-terrorism experts
Improve your relationships – with advice from counter-terrorism experts | Parents and parenting | The Guardian

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Relationship Advice From Counter-Terrorism Experts

Relationship Advice From Counter-Terrorism Experts

According to leading counter-terrorism experts, the same methods that aid communication and co-operation with terrorists and criminal suspects can be applied at home and work to solve relationship issues.

As people turn hostile, and the conversation gets harder, the techniques usually used for gaining the trust and co-operation of violent criminals start to work on our loved ones.

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Reverse Psychology

  1. The more we push someone to do something, the more they resist and rebel.
  2. The more urgently we need information from someone, the harder it could get for us to get it out of a person.
  3. Building rapport, and providing autonomy to the person help thaw out the relationship and get things moving.

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Forming A Connection

  • With the help of the right communication, attitude and gestures, a rapport can be formed with the other person (like a teenager or a spouse).
  • The power balance needs to be restored/shared, so the person who is ‘closed’ finds a reason to open up.
  • Threatening, blackmailing and trickery rarely work in such situations, with a humble, submissive and empathetic person having a much better chance at being effective.

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The HEAR Model For Approaching Hostile Relationships

The ego is the enemy in any hostile relationship situation and the following four points need to be looked at:

  1. Honesty: Always tell the truth.
  2. Empathy: Try to relate to the other person, finding something common, or try to be in their shoes.
  3. Autonomy: Respect the other person right of choice and decisions.
  4. Reflection: Listen well and summarize what you have heard, ensuring the person understands that you have listened and understood perfectly well.

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Communication Styles

Whether it is a teenager, a boss, or a bank robber, one has to understand the communication style, quirks and language that is used, usually in these four major types:

  1. T-Rex: The frank, forthright, and unfriendly person.
  2. Lion: Confident and demanding.
  3. Monkey: A social, warm and friendly person, who is unpredictable.
  4. Mouse: A modest, humble and conflict-avoiding person, who may also be disengaged.

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The Interrogator Type

The successful interrogator who is looking to navigate a relationship minefield needs to know himself very well, and ‘sync’ it with the personality type of the other person and be able to do a verbal ballet dance, while staying nimble and flexible.

He/she needs to be sensitive and be able to adapt or change their style if needed.

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