A Friend Indeed

This one you can ask for lifts to the airport, and call during emergencies like car accidents. You don’t rely on your helpmate for emotional support.

When you see a friend regularly, you develop a collection of shared memories. You will also have an intimate understanding of what they're up to generally. If you're separated long-term, those experiences will shrink.

It's important to create something you share with the other individual, not just exchanging information about past experiences. The more opportunities you give yourself to connect, the more organically you'll get to know your friend's new life.

The idea that you can sustain a friendship and pick up right where you left off after long stretches of silence is a myth. A relationship grows stronger through nurturing.
Although long-distance hacks can work for a time, there's no replacement for in-person interaction. It's more expensive and more of a hassle, but it's the best way to recharge a long-distance friendship.

We have to put our fears aside that someone might not like us or may have too many friends already.

If you like someone you meet, ask to swap numbers and follow through with an invitation to socialize.

Suggest an activity that you can do together. It will anchor your time together and give you something to focus on or talk about.

Science shows friendship is critical for our happiness, health, and longevity.

* In the 1970s and 1980s, some epidemiologists and sociologists showed that socially isolated individuals over age 66 had a 30 percent increased risk of early mortality.

* Studies reveal that social connection improves cardiovascular functioning, reduces susceptibility to inflammation and viral disease, sharpens cognition, reduces depression, lowers stress, and even slows biological aging.

Friendship requires at least three things: It should be long-lasting, positive, and cooperative. Friendship nearly always includes a willingness to help, especially in times of crisis.

In short, friendship is creating bonded groups that act as a buffer against life's stresses.

• Intimacy means being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others.
• Reciprocation means that both people feel they are seen and understood by the other person. 

Always remember that your job, writing to a friend, is to entertain. That can mean revelling in the odd pratfall. So, don’t just write about the mundane and pleasant things, try to give them the whole picture and make them feel something.

• You are extending respect and friendship. Write quickly, and preferably by hand.
• You’ll want to calibrate what you write to your relationship both with the recipient and with the deceased. Make it personal.
• If you knew the deceased well, sharing a couple of warm memories will let the recipient feel there’s a shared bond.
• If you didn’t know the deceased, you can make respectful reference to what you knew of them.
• Use tact. Don’t tell the recipient how they should be feeling.
• If you’re finding it hard to know what to say, you can acknowledge that; but don’t harp on it.
• Avoid operatic, or competitive, expressions of grief.
• Acknowledge, but don’t belabour, the grief and pain they feel.
• Focus on the individual excellence of the deceased rather than the consequences of the loss itself.
• Be tactful of their religion even if you don’t believe in it. 

You have probably met a large number of friends through just a handful of people. Those are your superconnectors. Rekindle those friendships and ask them if there is anyone you should meet.

Don’t be interesting. Be interested.

• Listen to people and ask them to tell you more. 
• When they mention something you have in common, point it out.
• Be enthusiastic and encouraging.

Friendships are always about common passions. Whatever you’re into, someone else is too. Let your passion guide you toward people. Volunteer, for example, take a new course or join a committee at your local religious center. If you like yoga, start going to classes regularly.

Once you meet a potential future friend, invite them to do something. You have to put yourself out there.

The process takes time, and you may experience false starts. Not everyone will want to put in the effort necessary to be a good friend.

Which is reason enough to nurture the friendships you already have–even those than span many miles. Start by scheduling a weekly phone call. 

For F.O.B.O. to happen, you have to have multiple options. It is mostly a consequence of our world in which everything seems possible.

To beat FOBO, find the Mostly Fine Decision. This is the outcome you’d be ok with, even if it’s not the absolute best possible one.