According to a report in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, an acquaintance has a chance of being your friend after about 50 hours of shared activity or discussions. A friend can be a close (or best) friend after about 200 hours.
Our old and former friends know intimate details of a part of our lives, but do not have an idea about our present selves, due to the years or decades of separation. This can feel disorienting, as suddenly a person with whom one was once so close, appears like a stranger.

A Friend Indeed

Love & Relationships

Long-lasting, high-quality friendships lower the chance of chronic illnesses, and mortality rates. They boost one’s happiness and can also be a buffer towards anxiety, stress and even depression.
One can consider looking back and reconnect with a lost but cherished friend for emotional support or to relive the long-forgotten times.

Benefits of Friendships

<ul>
<li>We need to ask ourselves if a certain friendship is even worth resuscitating, or if one of us has moved on to such an extent that we really don’t recognize the person any more.</li>
<li>The circumstances of growing apart also matter. If it was betrayal or a falling out, the process of getting back may require reconciliation and may not be easy.</li>
<li>People evolve due to the various life events that happen in the course of their lives, like medical issues, marriage, children or a divorce. It’s important to keep one’s guard up, as the person that one gets to meet after years might be a complete stranger in some ways.</li>
</ul>

Considering Reviving A Friendship

It’s important and natural to rekindle a friendship with a solid reason, a purpose that has to be shared with the old friend.
Almost like wooing the former friend, one has to show their best, most honest side and share life experiences that are similar to the other person. One also has to ensure that the connection is genuine and organic, while not coming across as forced or intrusive.

Reconnecting With A Purpose

<ul>
<li>Ensure that your rekindled relationship with your former friend has some solid foundation before opening up the private areas of your life, like introducing your spouse. If you go too fast, you may be disappointed if the other person is not as keen on holding friendship as per your expectations.</li>
<li>Even with the best intentions and impeccable plans, things are not always predictable and as per one’s anticipation. The old pal may have some unresolved feelings or they may not be having the time to nurture a friendship anymore, and it is best to prepare for any such outcome in advance, rather than trying to save your face later.</li>
</ul>

Reviving A Friendship: Start Slow

It can be disorienting to feel you’re back at square one with a person you already have a shared history with. Here’s some help.<figure><img src="https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/07/30/autossell/24sl_friendship/merlin_141630681_999ff7ee-964c-4717-8fba-e4c11cabff2f-articleLarge.jpg?quality=75&amp;auto=webp&amp;disable=upscale" srcset="https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/07/30/autossell/24sl_friendship/merlin_141630681_999ff7ee-964c-4717-8fba-e4c11cabff2f-articleLarge.jpg?quality=90&amp;auto=webp 600w, https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/07/30/autossell/24sl_friendship/merlin_141630681_999ff7ee-964c-4717-8fba-e4c11cabff2f-jumbo.jpg?quality=90&amp;auto=webp 1024w, https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/07/30/autossell/24sl_friendship/merlin_141630681_999ff7ee-964c-4717-8fba-e4c11cabff2f-superJumbo.jpg?quality=90&amp;auto=webp 2048w" width="600" height="400"><figcaption dir="auto">Credit...
George Wylesol</figcaption></figure>Former friends occupy a peculiar space in one’s social circle. Ex-bosom buddies might know some of the most intimate details of your life — the name of your first pet, which dress you wore to prom, who broke your heart freshman year of college — but may have no clue about the hopes, dreams and fears you hold today. So when those friendships fade, particularly the ones built over years or decades, a rare bond is lost. Indeed, moving from acquaintance to casual friend typically takes around 50 hours of shared activities and everyday talk, and it can take more than 200 hours before someone becomes a best friend, according to a <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407518761225" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">report</a> in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. However, people who are looking to recapture a close friendship after some time apart don’t quite fit into this framework. It can be disorienting to feel you’re back at square one with a person you already have a shared history with. <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/pere.12187" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">Studies</a> show that high-quality friendships provide many positive health benefits, such as lower incidences of chronic illnesses, higher levels of happiness and lower mortality rates. Robust social support networks can also be a buffer for stress, depression and anxiety, according to <a href="http://www.psy.cmu.edu/~scohen/AmerPsycholpaper.pdf" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">researchers</a>. So it makes sense to want to look backward at an old friendship for emotional support in the future.AdvertisementBut given that most people are only a text message, email or phone call away, it’s not always clear how and, frankly, if you should approach them. For anyone thinking about reconnecting with a cherished friend, here are some smart ways to regain closeness once a friendship has cooled. <h2>Take inventory</h2>First, ask yourself whether this is even a friendship worth resuscitating. Like low-rise jeans and feathered hair, people can outgrow friendships, too. If your friendship was forged in a dorm room venting about homework and lousy boyfriends, the dynamic may not translate as well now that you’re ferrying children to play dates and piano lessons. <UL><LI>Thanks for reading The Times.</LI></UL><a href="http://www.hellodrjoy.com/" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">Dr. Joy Harden Bradford</a>, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, says people should be mindful of changes that have occurred since the friendship ended.“If you had a best friend in high school and now you’re 30 years old, it’s been quite a bit of time that has passed since that friendship,” she said. “You don’t really know that person anymore.” Next, <a href="https://www.miriamkirmayer.com/" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">Miriam Kirmayer</a>, a therapist and friendship researcher, recommends reflecting on why the friendship ended: Was it because of a stinging betrayal; a slow process of growing apart; something else altogether? This will help you discern how receptive your friend might be to your efforts.Advertisement“The extent to which you’ve managed to stay in touch or how up-to-date you are on each other’s lives will likely dictate how you’ll go about rekindling your relationship,” she said.She also suggests identifying what variables, if any, have changed since your falling out. Maybe you’re in a more stable place in life and are confident you can be a better, more attentive friend this time around. Thinking about the reasons you grew apart and how things might be different now can help you take the steps needed to rebuild a closer and longer lasting friendship, Ms. Kirmayer said. <h2>Manage expectations</h2>Important life changes — medical issues, relocations, having children, getting married, getting divorced — can influence a friend’s life in ways you may not predict. “You shouldn’t go in as if you can trust this person or assume that you know anything about this person because you really are meeting a stranger in some ways for the first time again,” Dr. Harden Bradford said. It’s wise to keep one’s guard up, at least at the beginning. Keep sensitive topics close to your chest at first. Disclosing particulars about intimate relationships and finances can overwhelm your nascent friendship. <h2>Resume contact with purpose</h2><a href="https://www.kayleenschaefer.com/" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">Kayleen Schaefer</a>, author of “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Text-When-You-Get-Home/dp/1101986123" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">Text me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship</a>,” suggests being upfront with why you’re reaching out after so much time has gone by. If you miss the person, be open about that. Noting it takes bravery and some risk, she likens reconnection to initiating a courting process: “You have to show the best side of yourself, which is probably your most honest, upfront side.”AdvertisementIf you happen to be going through a similar life experience or stage at the same time, drop a line and ask to trade stories or advice. These kinds of targeted conversations will allow for a genuine connection without coming across as intrusive or prying, Ms. Kirmayer said.“It also gives you the chance to rekindle your relationship more organically,” she said. “That is, without having to directly address why your friendship ended.” This approach will help start your renewed friendship off on the right foot.<h2>Test the waters</h2>Just as most people wouldn’t propose marriage on a first date or ask about vacation benefits in the first 10 minutes of a job interview, jumping the gun can backfire. Instead of making a grand entrance after years of radio silence, engage in small gestures with low stakes. Ms. Kirmayer suggests reaching out and offering congratulations on a milestone or accomplishment, or asking for a recommendation you know they’ll be happy to provide (“I heard you recently went to Paris. Any suggestions for a fabulous place to eat?”). “These kinds of small interactions or conversations will help you gauge their receptiveness and set the stage for more personal or meaningful conversations,” she said. Also, if you haven’t seen this person in a long time, invite them to a group dinner or small party. If things go well, perhaps you can suggest getting together for a solo hangout next time.<h2>Go slow</h2>It’s understandable if you want to hit the ground running once you’ve made the initial contact, but <a href="http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com/" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">Jan Yager</a>, an adjunct assistant professor in the department of sociology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice and author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/When-Friendship-Hurts-Friends-Abandon/dp/1531881661" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">“When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You,”</a> recommends taking your time bringing each other into your lives. “See if your relationship is on solid ground before reintroducing children and partners to your friend,” she said. “If you do bring this former friend back into your life, make sure you are both going to keep up the friendship this time around before you get your family or your entire network of friends involved.” AdvertisementIf you rush the integration process, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment if the friendship doesn’t take hold in the way you anticipated. <h2>Prepare for all outcomes</h2>Dr. Yager, who has a Ph.D. in sociology, concedes that in most instances of a rekindled friendship, the bond may not be as intimate as it was before the breakup. However, she has observed cases where the friendship does intensify after a reconciliation. Although it doesn’t happen as often, in those cases, it was worth the time and effort to reach out.“It takes two to start, and maintain, a friendship, but only one to end it,” Dr. Yager said. “So you both have to share the goal of keeping your renewed friendship going.” It’s also possible that despite your best efforts, your friend might not be willing or able to reconnect for a variety of reasons that could be personal (unresolved hurt feelings), practical (they’re not available to nurture a friendship) or something else altogether, Ms. Kirmayer said.Whatever the result, she recommends practicing self-compassion if things do not go as planned, which can help minimize sorrow and heartache. Advertisement

It can be disorienting to feel you’re back at square one with a person you already have a shared history with. Here’s some help.

Love & Family

It can be disorienting to feel you’re back at square one with a person you already have a shared history with. Here’s some help.

Former friends occupy a peculiar space in one’s social circle. Ex-bosom buddies might know some of the most intimate details of your life — the name of your first pet, which dress you wore to prom, who broke your heart freshman year of college — but may have no clue about the hopes, dreams and fears you hold today.

So when those friendships fade, particularly the ones built over years or decades, a rare bond is lost. Indeed, moving from acquaintance to casual friend typically takes around 50 hours of shared activities and everyday talk, and it can take more than 200 hours before someone becomes a best friend, according to a <a dir="ltr" href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407518761225" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">report </a>in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

However, people who are looking to recapture a close friendship after some time apart don’t quite fit into this framework. It can be disorienting to feel you’re back at square one with a person you already have a shared history with.

<a dir="ltr" href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/pere.12187" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">Studies </a>show that high-quality friendships provide many positive health benefits, such as lower incidences of chronic illnesses, higher levels of happiness and lower mortality rates. Robust social support networks can also be a buffer for stress, depression and anxiety, according to <a dir="ltr" href="http://www.psy.cmu.edu/~scohen/AmerPsycholpaper.pdf" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">researchers </a>. So it makes sense to want to look backward at an old friendship for emotional support in the future.

But given that most people are only a text message, email or phone call away, it’s not always clear how and, frankly, if you should approach them. For anyone thinking about reconnecting with a cherished friend, here are some smart ways to regain closeness once a friendship has cooled.

First, ask yourself whether this is even a friendship worth resuscitating. Like low-rise jeans and feathered hair, people can outgrow friendships, too. If your friendship was forged in a dorm room venting about homework and lousy boyfriends, the dynamic may not translate as well now that you’re ferrying children to play dates and piano lessons.

<ul><li>Thanks for reading The Times. </li> </ul>

<a dir="ltr" href="http://www.hellodrjoy.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">Dr. Joy Harden Bradford </a>, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, says people should be mindful of changes that have occurred since the friendship ended.

“If you had a best friend in high school and now you’re 30 years old, it’s been quite a bit of time that has passed since that friendship,” she said. “You don’t really know that person anymore.”

Next, <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.miriamkirmayer.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">Miriam Kirmayer </a>, a therapist and friendship researcher, recommends reflecting on why the friendship ended: Was it because of a stinging betrayal; a slow process of growing apart; something else altogether? This will help you discern how receptive your friend might be to your efforts.

“The extent to which you’ve managed to stay in touch or how up-to-date you are on each other’s lives will likely dictate how you’ll go about rekindling your relationship,” she said.

She also suggests identifying what variables, if any, have changed since your falling out. Maybe you’re in a more stable place in life and are confident you can be a better, more attentive friend this time around. Thinking about the reasons you grew apart and how things might be different now can help you take the steps needed to rebuild a closer and longer lasting friendship, Ms. Kirmayer said.

Important life changes — medical issues, relocations, having children, getting married, getting divorced — can influence a friend’s life in ways you may not predict.

“You shouldn’t go in as if you can trust this person or assume that you know anything about this person because you really are meeting a stranger in some ways for the first time again,” Dr. Harden Bradford said.

It’s wise to keep one’s guard up, at least at the beginning. Keep sensitive topics close to your chest at first. Disclosing particulars about intimate relationships and finances can overwhelm your nascent friendship.

<a dir="ltr" href="https://www.kayleenschaefer.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">Kayleen Schaefer </a>, author of “<a dir="ltr" href="https://www.amazon.com/Text-When-You-Get-Home/dp/1101986123" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">Text me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship </a>,” suggests being upfront with why you’re reaching out after so much time has gone by. If you miss the person, be open about that.

Noting it takes bravery and some risk, she likens reconnection to initiating a courting process: “You have to show the best side of yourself, which is probably your most honest, upfront side.”

If you happen to be going through a similar life experience or stage at the same time, drop a line and ask to trade stories or advice. These kinds of targeted conversations will allow for a genuine connection without coming across as intrusive or prying, Ms. Kirmayer said.

“It also gives you the chance to rekindle your relationship more organically,” she said. “That is, without having to directly address why your friendship ended.” This approach will help start your renewed friendship off on the right foot.

Just as most people wouldn’t propose marriage on a first date or ask about vacation benefits in the first 10 minutes of a job interview, jumping the gun can backfire. Instead of making a grand entrance after years of radio silence, engage in small gestures with low stakes.

Ms. Kirmayer suggests reaching out and offering congratulations on a milestone or accomplishment, or asking for a recommendation you know they’ll be happy to provide (“I heard you recently went to Paris. Any suggestions for a fabulous place to eat?”).

“These kinds of small interactions or conversations will help you gauge their receptiveness and set the stage for more personal or meaningful conversations,” she said. Also, if you haven’t seen this person in a long time, invite them to a group dinner or small party. If things go well, perhaps you can suggest getting together for a solo hangout next time.

It’s understandable if you want to hit the ground running once you’ve made the initial contact, but <a dir="ltr" href="http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">Jan Yager </a>, an adjunct assistant professor in the department of sociology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice and author of <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.amazon.com/When-Friendship-Hurts-Friends-Abandon/dp/1531881661" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">“When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You,” </a>recommends taking your time bringing each other into your lives.

“See if your relationship is on solid ground before reintroducing children and partners to your friend,” she said. “If you do bring this former friend back into your life, make sure you are both going to keep up the friendship this time around before you get your family or your entire network of friends involved.”

If you rush the integration process, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment if the friendship doesn’t take hold in the way you anticipated.

Dr. Yager, who has a Ph.D. in sociology, concedes that in most instances of a rekindled friendship, the bond may not be as intimate as it was before the breakup. However, she has observed cases where the friendship does intensify after a reconciliation. Although it doesn’t happen as often, in those cases, it was worth the time and effort to reach out.

“It takes two to start, and maintain, a friendship, but only one to end it,” Dr. Yager said. “So you both have to share the goal of keeping your renewed friendship going.”

It’s also possible that despite your best efforts, your friend might not be willing or able to reconnect for a variety of reasons that could be personal (unresolved hurt feelings), practical (they’re not available to nurture a friendship) or something else altogether, Ms. Kirmayer said.

Whatever the result, she recommends practicing self-compassion if things do not go as planned, which can help minimize sorrow and heartache.

Bite‑sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

How to Revive a Friendship

A Friend Indeed

Benefits of Friendships

Considering Reviving A Friendship

Reconnecting With A Purpose

Reviving A Friendship: Start Slow

How To Size Up A Friendship

How to get over a friendship breakup

How do you make friends as an adult? You asked Google - here's the answer | Kate Leaver

Bite‑sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

How to Revive a Friendship

A Friend Indeed

Benefits of Friendships

Considering Reviving A Friendship

Reconnecting With A Purpose

Reviving A Friendship: Start Slow

How To Size Up A Friendship

How to get over a friendship breakup

How do you make friends as an adult? You asked Google - here's the answer | Kate Leaver

Bite‑sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career