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The acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience! | by Farouk Kadous | Medium
The ‘Backwards Law’
When we expect something positive and have a desire for something good, that very experience of want, or to covet, is in a way, a negative experience for us.
Referred to as the ‘Backwards Law’ by the modern philosopher Alan Watts, pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack the same right now.
Example: The more we want to be rich, the more we realize that we aren’t rich, and the feeling of lack and unworthiness comes to the surface, even if you are otherwise not poor at all.
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The ‘Backwards Law’
When we expect something positive and have a desire for something good, that very experience of want, or to covet, is in a way, a negative experience for us.
Referred to as the ‘Backwards Law’ by the modern philosopher Alan Watts, pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack the same right now.
Example: The more we want to be rich, the more we realize that we aren’t rich, and the feeling of lack and unworthiness comes to the surface, even if you are otherwise not poor at all.
Mark Manson
"“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”"
The Interpretation Of The Truth
Not being ambitious or aspirational is looked down upon to any normal person, but if the person is grateful, the life that is led is a happier, more fulfilled one.
Pain and failure, according to Mark Manson, provide us with positive results:
- The hardships our body endures in a gym results in us getting into a better shape.
- The failures in our career and business provide us with the necessary life lessons to be successful much beyond what we had hoped for.
Emotions Are Fluctuating
According to Dale Carnegie, human beings are not rational or logical creatures but are highly emotional.
We must then act according to our values, and not according to the fluctuating, vulnerable and unreliable emotions. One of the values can be deep gratitude.
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The Feedback Loop from Hell - Feeling bad about feeling bad 🔄
Being worried about doing the right thing all the time that you become worried about how much you’re worrying. Or feeling so guilty for every mistake you make that you begin to feel guilty ...
Not giving a f*ck is so key
When you care less about something, you do better at it. It's also your chance to avoid engaging in negative feelings towards the emotions you experience. 🤐
The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience
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Make room for your emotions
Rumi, the 13th-century Sufi poet, compared emotions to unexpected visitors.
We're supposed to let them in and not hide from them, suppress them or pretend they do not exist.
Gaining peace of mind
In a society that promotes gratitude and positivity, there is pressure to suppress or conceal negative feelings.
But psychological studies reveal that acceptance of your negative feelings promotes emotional resilience, with fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety.
The magic of acceptance
Acceptance of negative emotions involves not trying to change how we feel but taking them for what they are.
Acceptance works because it blunts the emotional reactions to stressful events. In time, it can lead to positive psychological health.
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Happy people vs. miserable people
Happy people engage in more happiness-boosting habits while unhappy people engage in more misery-inducing habits.
You can choose which habits to cultivate in your life. If ...
Happy People Experience Flow Often
It is marked by intense concentration, a sense of timelessness, and a loss of self-consciousness. It’s a deeply healing and enjoyable state and one that greatly contributes to our happiness.
Activities of happy people
- They meditate.
- They exercise regularly. “Surveys show that exercise may very well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all activities.”
- They stop and smell the roses.
- They spend time with their furry friends.
- They spend time outside.
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Reframe or divert
The first step in approaching a negative situation with an optimistic outlook is to accept what you can’t change.
Once you’ve done that, you have 2 options: reframe ( look ...
Savor the good
Noticing and savoring the pleasant moments and thinking, "Wow, this is really great "can strengthen positive emotions.
In general, we tend to dwell on the negative side and not notice the positive things we experience.
Set reminders
Write yourself a message on a sticky note and attach it to your computer screen at work (an inspirational quote, a reminder to smile, etc).
Small reminders like these help keep positivity front and center in your life.
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Concerns with positive psychology
- There are worries about its replicability and unreliable self-reports.
- Promoting material achievement as part of happiness can make well-being seem out of reach.
- Positive psych...
Reasons for popularity
There is no major conclusion in positive psychology that has not been challenged, modified or even rejected.
Yet the fact that positive psychology is becoming more popular means that it gives hope, optimism and perhaps happiness to millions of its consumers.
The beginning of positive psychology
The story of positive psychology started just 20 years ago with Martin Seligman, head of the American Psychological Association. The idea he considered was: What if every person was encouraged to nurture his or her character strengths, rather than being scolded into fixing their shortcomings?
He reorientated the entire discipline of psychology away from mostly treating mental illness and toward human flourishing, then used his authority to promote it.
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Shame
Shame is a universal experience. Shame enforces adherence to beneficial social norms.
Shaming is a tool and can be used for good or evil. We should use it when the outcome has a great...
Guilt vs shame
Guilt is a private feeling of regret about something you did, and the discomfort leads to self-regulation regardless of exposure.
Shaming is about the possibility of being exposed to an audience.
Effective shaming
Shaming can give the weak greater power. It can be used as a tool to encourage structural changes of institutions, organizations, and powerful individuals by exposing a transgressor to public disapproval.
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Positive Psychology's New Approach
- Due to its fleeting and fickle nature, our levels of happiness cannot be gauged, measured or rated accurately.
- While earlier psychology focused on the bad apples,...
Four Types of Well-Being
To address the disconnect between happiness and deeper levels of satisfaction, researches proposed a model that characterizes people as falling into one of four well-being types.
- Optimizing one’s positive emotions, and denying the reality of their negative experiences.
- Feeling unhappy seeing the complexity of the world around them, and neglecting the positive aspects.
- Having a generally negative view of themselves and the world.
- Having a generally positive and empathetic view of the world.
The Real Meaning Of Happiness
Being happy means more than feeling good. True happiness comes from handling challenging and adverse situations, while collaborating and building lifelong bonds with the people in our lives.
A collective thinking process, where the good of all is considered leads to a level of happiness that cannot be attained by being selfish or self-concerned.
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Hedonic Adaptation
... also referred to as hedonic treadmill, is defined as "the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or...
Elements of Hedonic Adaptation
- Shifting adaptation levels: When an individual experiences a slight emotional up or down, and then returns to his or her default level of happiness.
- Desensitization: When an individual becomes desensitized to a circumstance or situation they no longer have the same reactions that another person might experience.
- Sensitization: When an individual is sensitized to a certain situation, they get used to something that they were not previously accustomed to.
Hedonic Adaptation Critics
Critics view the hedonic adaptation tendency as a generalization that fails to take potentially shifting factors into account.
- Significant life events such as loss of employment or the end of a major relationship can change one's original level of contentment.
- Negative events are often more significant than positive ones.
- Consuming certain medication may also alter the set level of happiness in a person who has mental illness or other clinical problems.
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Positivity Could be Good for Us
Negative thinking can narrow our thinking and prevent us from moving forward. Positive encouragement can open our minds to alternatives. It fosters creative thinking and opens us up to take on risk...
Forcing positive thinking
Forcing positive thinking puts us under pressure and in an always-on-the-alert mode. We can never relax because a negative thought might pop into our heads when we least expect it.
It can make us feel more negative emotions and we may blame ourselves for not being happy enough.
We need some negative emotions
Emotions like fear and anxiety can help us to act in certain situations, for instance, alerting us to danger. Anxiety should not be avoided. It can point to an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.
Thinking negatively can also help us prepare for worst-case scenarios in advance. However, too much negative thinking is not good for us either.
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Spare capacity and growth
- Avoid thinking of spare capacity as the lack of things on your calendar. Since we’re never really doing nothing it’s rare to see people talk about cultivating it directly.
- The amo...
Factors that determine spare capacity
- How much effort/time is needed to sustain your current lifestyle.
- How ambitious you are.
- Material circumstances. Wealth, unsurprisingly, gives capacity.
- Work flexibility.
- Family and relationship obligations.
- How many things are non-negotiable for you.