Discerning between desire and obligation when saying "yes"

Use awkward pauses as a tool to say no. When a request comes to you (this works only in person), just pause for a moment. Count to three before delivering your verdict.

E-mail is also a good way to start practicing saying "no but" because it gives you the chance to draft and redraft your "no" to make it as graceful as possible. Plus, many people find that the distance of e-mail reduces the fear of awkwardness.

• Notice how often people around you say no to each other every day. Also watch how others handle these situations.
• When you feel pressured for a yes, ask for time. It will allow you to calm down and evaluate whether you really want to do it ( "I need to check my calendar; I'll get back to you"/ "I've got to think about that; I'll let you know.")
• Saying no comfortably requires you to think what your values are. When you live by clear principles, it's easier to make decisions. People are more likely to respect your responses.
• Keep telling them that you can't help them. Then stay on repeat, even if they bring new angles of reasoning.
• When you want to help but can't commit to the specifics, make a counteroffer. You can offer someone a different resource or the name of someone else who might help.