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How To Say No, For The People Pleaser Who Always Says Yes

https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-pleaser-who-always-says-yes?

npr.org

How To Say No, For The People Pleaser Who Always Says Yes
Constantly saying yes to everything and everyone drains us of time and energy. This episode helps explain the roots of people-pleasing behaviors and how you can say no more often.

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The people pleaser

The people pleaser

There's a high price for continually saying yes to the thing you just don't want to do.

When your top priority is to be liked all the time, you suppress and repress who you are. The good news is that it is a habit you can change.

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Know when you can safely say "no"

  • Over one week, observe how you spend your time and energy. Keep note of how many times you say yes, no, or maybe to a request. Notice and record how each request made you feel.
  • Identify the times you say no and everything still works out fine. This will help you to know how you can respond in the future.
  • The requests that caused you anxiety: Ask yourself what the baggage behind it is. Does it remind you of old hurts and loss? The habit can also be a survival tactic to repress who you are.

Once you know where you can safely say no, try cutting back on saying yes.

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Understand your bandwidth

Try to document your energy level and your calendar. How much did you have to do? Did saying yes to too many things mean your days were too busy?

Next time someone makes a request, assess your time and energy before taking on more tasks.

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Discerning between desire and obligation when saying "yes"

Writing down your data helps you distinguish between when you feel excited to say yes to something and when it feels like an obligation.

Be intentional about saying yes. When you feel an urge to please, pause. It will buy you time to assess what’s really behind the question. Was it a request, demand, or just a suggestion? Knowing the answer will quiet your thoughts.

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The art of the soft "no"

There is a difference between a hard “No, thank you” and a softer “Thanks so much for asking, but I’m not able to this week.” Another example: “Thank you so much for asking me to do this project. It sounds fascinating, but I don’t have the bandwidth for it at this time.

Don’t feel obligated to give too much of an explanation or being over-apologetic. It may confuse the other person. Stick with an elegant and soft no.

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Josh Billings

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”

Josh Billings

The Awkward Pause

Use awkward pauses as a tool to say no. When a request comes to you (this works only in person), just pause for a moment. Count to three before delivering your verdict.

The Soft "No" ("No, But")

E-mail is also a good way to start practicing saying "no but" because it gives you the chance to draft and redraft your "no" to make it as graceful as possible. Plus, many people find that the distance of e-mail reduces the fear of awkwardness.

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Being “too nice” can cause you problems

Being “too nice” can cause you problems

You're asked to do something, and you feel you should say no. However, if you say no, you'll be resented, so you are tempted to say yes. If you say yes, you're going to be frustrated wi...

Saying NO without guilt

  • Notice how often people around you say no to each other every day. Also watch how others handle these situations.
  • When you feel pressured for a yes, ask for time. It will allow you to calm down and evaluate whether you really want to do it ( "I need to check my calendar; I'll get back to you"/ "I've got to think about that; I'll let you know.")
  • Saying no comfortably requires you to think what your values are. When you live by clear principles, it's easier to make decisions. People are more likely to respect your responses.
  • Keep telling them that you can't help them. Then stay on repeat, even if they bring new angles of reasoning.
  • When you want to help but can't commit to the specifics, make a counteroffer. You can offer someone a different resource or the name of someone else who might help.

Ways to Say No

  • The Indirect “No."Say no without feeling uncomfortable by explaining the reasons why you can't.
  • The “Let me get back to you.”Buy yourself time to think...