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How To Deal With Difficult People
Defining difficult people
We are social creatures who desire validation. We feel good when others share our belief system. But we feel dejected when others do not value our inputs, crush our ideas, or ignore what we have to say.
These difficult people act in undesirable ways and give us permission to pass judgement and offload responsibility by blaming them for undesirable outcomes.
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Key Ideas
Losing Your Identity
Humans are social creatures, interdependent on one another. Socializing is at its core, a mental workout, and an essential part of brain development.
Being alone, one can start to lose the sense of who one is, as our identity requires a reflection from others to become real. Self-isolation, with zero interaction with other people, makes a person disappear gradually.
Being Alone Affects The Brain
Human beings form social circles averaging to 150 individuals; this is called the Dunbar’s Number.
A lack of people around us can actually make our brain shrink. The region known for formation of new memories, called the 'dentate gyrus', reduces in size if there is no human interaction. There is also a reduction in spatial processing (locating objects in a given space) and focus.
Solitude, Loneliness And Isolation
Positive solitude is a state of being alone without being lonely, in a contented manner.
Loneliness, on the other hand, is isolation with a hunger for social contact, something that distorts one’s perceptions, damaging the ability to interact in a normal way with others. It also lowers one’s self-esteem leading to a loneliness loop, characterized by social withdrawal and depression.
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Hanlon’s Razor Explained
- We tend to associate completely disconnected events in a unique way, fitting them into our ‘story’, the narratives we build to create our distorted version of reality.
- The patterns we think exist may not actually do so, but that does not stop us from assuming negative intent or malice in all that happens around us.
- We need to realize that the world does not revolve around us and try to approach situations and events in a neutral, objective manner.
The Way To Apply Hanlon’s Razor
The basic rules that we need to apply:
- Move from assuming bad intentions towards exploring other causes.
- Engage in active communication.
- Embrace opportunities.
- Stay positive and driven.
- Stop blaming and focus on creative problem-solving.
- Assume a neutral, unbiased position.
Hanlon’s razor is a potent mental model which can be used in any situation where our first instinct is a negative assumption. Any wrong hypothesis related to the bad intentions of others is counterproductive and can play havoc in our lives.
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4 different types of difficult people
- The Downers (the Negative Nancys): almost impossible to please, they always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge.
- The Know It Alls: They like to show off and to impress. They use name-dropping and comparisons.
- The Passives: They don’t contribute much and let others do the hard work.
- The Tanks: They are explosive and bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
Disengaging difficult personalities
Don't try changing people, try understanding them.
When you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse. The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from.
Finding The Value Language
When trying to understand difficult people, search for their value language.
A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge.