Passion requires uncertainty. It thrives on mystery. A stable relationship, however, is based on predictability. This is the core conflict modern couples need to resolve.
This is a relatively new phenomenon, as it is only recently that marriage came with the expectation of eroticism, the institution having been an economic contract for millennia.

Predictable relationship -> Lousy sex

Spontaneity is not a requirement for good sex. In fact, many of our memories about spontaneous interactions were actually quite well planned.
Planning is the antidote. It creates anticipation and should not be seen as a chore. It should be a game, allowing imagination to take over. Here are some ideas:
<ul>
<li>Plan romance in the same way you plan the rest of your day.</li>
<li>Have a dedicated email thread to discuss naughty things with your partner.</li>
<li>Engage in role play.</li>
</ul>

The Spontaneity Myth

The level of intimacy in a couple is usually inversely correlated with sexual desire:
<ul>
<li>Intimacy increases the amount of care for one another, but great sex requires egoism.</li>
<li>In a close couple, the distance between the two shrinks. However, distance is a prerequisite for desire. We need a private physical, emotional, and intellectual space.</li>
<li>Autonomy diminishes, but we tend to love independence.</li>
</ul>
Love is to be had, while desire is to be wanted. Love is comfort, while desire thrives on the unknown.

More intimacy, less sex

Intimacy and passion have a paradoxical relationship that one needs to accept. You cannot have them both at the same time.
You can, however, experience them at separate times. It's like the ebb and flow of tides. Maintaining a balance between them is the challenge and opportunity for a couple.

The equilibrium of a relationship

Equality assumes that women and men have to behave the same in the bedroom.
However, sex is a power game, where some want to dominate or be dominated. That's normal, even though it goes against our current Western political sensibilities.

Sex is politically incorrect

There is no one to judge you when you are watching porn. There is a sense of psychological safety that comes from this private act, which can be inhibited by a loving, intimate relationship.

Porn works because it's selfish

... are mental activities that generate desire. They can be vague or very descriptive.
Most of them are hidden because they are not considered very appropriate: aggressiveness, power, revenge, and jealousy are the impulses driving most people's fantasies. These are complex psychological creations with symbolic, not literal, meanings.

Sexual fantasies

One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.

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Love & Relationships

books

Books

One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.