Mating in Captivity - Deepstash
Mating in Captivity

Mating in Captivity

Esther Perel

3

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Predictable relationship -> lousy sex

Predictable relationship -> lousy sex

Passion requires uncertainty. It thrives on mystery. A stable relationship however is based on predictibility. And this is the core conflict modern couples need to resolve.

It is a rather new phenomenon as it's recently that marriage came with the phone expectation of eroticism. The institution having been an economic contract.for millennia.

7

80 reads

More intimacy, less sex

The level of intimacy in a couple is usually inversely corelated with sexual desire:

  • Intimacy increases the ammount of care for one another. But great sex requires egoism.
  • In a close couple, the dinstance between the two shrinks. Distance is a prerequisite for desire. We need a private physical , emotional and intelectual space.
  • Autonomy diminishes. But we tend to love independence.

Love is to be had while desire is to be wanted. Love is confort while desire cares about the unknown.

7

51 reads

Sex is politically incorrect

Equality assumes that women and men have to behave the same in bedroom. But sex is a power-game, where some want to dominate or be dominated. That's normal even it goes against out r current western political sensibilities.

7

60 reads

The equilibrium of a relationship

Intimacy and passion are a paradoxical relationship one needs to accept. You can not have them both at the same time.

You can have them at separate times. It's like a flux and reflux. Keeping them in an equilibrium is the challenge and the opportunity of a couple.

7

60 reads

Porn works because it's selfish

There is no person to judge you when you are watching porn. There is a psichological safety coming from this selfish act that is inhibited by a loving intimate relationship.

6

73 reads

Sexual fantasies

... are mental activities that generate desire. They can be fuzzy or very descriptive.

Most of them are hidden as are not very adequate: aggressiveness, power, revenge, gelosy are the impulses driving most people fantasies. They are complex psichological creation with simbolic not literal meaning.

5

67 reads

The Spontaneity Myth

Spontaneity is not a requirement for good sex. And most of our memories about spontaneous interactions were actually pretty well plenned.

Planning is the antidote. Planning creates anticipation and should not be seen as a task. It should be a game, where imagination takes over. Some ideas:

  • Plan romanticism the same way you plan the rest of the day
  • Have an email to discuss naughty things with your partner.
  • Role play.

6

55 reads

CURATED BY

vladimir

Life-long learner. Passionate about leadership, entrepreneurship, philosophy, Buddhism & SF. Founder @deepstash.

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