Mating in Captivity - Deepstash
Mating in Captivity

Mating in Captivity

Esther Perel


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Predictable relationship -> lousy sex

Predictable relationship -> lousy sex

Passion requires uncertainty. It thrives on mystery. A stable relationship however is based on predictibility. And this is the core conflict modern couples need to resolve.

It is a rather new phenomenon as it's recently that marriage came with the phone expectation of eroticism. The institution having been an economic contract.for millennia.


80 reads

More intimacy, less sex

The level of intimacy in a couple is usually inversely corelated with sexual desire:

  • Intimacy increases the ammount of care for one another. But great sex requires egoism.
  • In a close couple, the dinstance between the two shrinks. Distance is a prerequisite for desire. We need a private physical , emotional and intelectual space.
  • Autonomy diminishes. But we tend to love independence.

Love is to be had while desire is to be wanted. Love is confort while desire cares about the unknown.


51 reads

Sex is politically incorrect

Equality assumes that women and men have to behave the same in bedroom. But sex is a power-game, where some want to dominate or be dominated. That's normal even it goes against out r current western political sensibilities.


60 reads

The equilibrium of a relationship

Intimacy and passion are a paradoxical relationship one needs to accept. You can not have them both at the same time.

You can have them at separate times. It's like a flux and reflux. Keeping them in an equilibrium is the challenge and the opportunity of a couple.


60 reads

Porn works because it's selfish

There is no person to judge you when you are watching porn. There is a psichological safety coming from this selfish act that is inhibited by a loving intimate relationship.


73 reads

Sexual fantasies

... are mental activities that generate desire. They can be fuzzy or very descriptive.

Most of them are hidden as are not very adequate: aggressiveness, power, revenge, gelosy are the impulses driving most people fantasies. They are complex psichological creation with simbolic not literal meaning.


67 reads

The Spontaneity Myth

Spontaneity is not a requirement for good sex. And most of our memories about spontaneous interactions were actually pretty well plenned.

Planning is the antidote. Planning creates anticipation and should not be seen as a task. It should be a game, where imagination takes over. Some ideas:

  • Plan romanticism the same way you plan the rest of the day
  • Have an email to discuss naughty things with your partner.
  • Role play.


55 reads



Life-long learner. Passionate about leadership, entrepreneurship, philosophy, Buddhism & SF. Founder @deepstash.

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