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Mating in Captivity

Mating in Captivity

by Esther Perel

Predictable relationship -> lousy sex

Passion requires uncertainty. It thrives on mystery. A stable relationship however is based on predictibility. And this is the core conflict modern couples need to resolve.

It is a rather new phenomenon as it's recently that marriage came with the phone expectation of eroti...

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The level of intimacy in a couple is usually inversely corelated with sexual desire:

  • Intimacy increases the ammount of care for one another. But great sex requires egoism.
  • In a close couple, the dinstance between the two shrinks. Distance is a prerequisite for desire. We need a...

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Equality assumes that women and men have to behave the same in bedroom. But sex is a power-game, where some want to dominate or be dominated. That's normal even it goes against out r current western political sensibilities.

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Intimacy and passion are a paradoxical relationship one needs to accept. You can not have them both at the same time.

You can have them at separate times. It's like a flux and reflux. Keeping them in an equilibrium is the challenge and the opportunity of a couple.

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There is no person to judge you when you are watching porn. There is a psichological safety coming from this selfish act that is inhibited by a loving intimate relationship.

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... are mental activities that generate desire. They can be fuzzy or very descriptive.

Most of them are hidden as are not very adequate: aggressiveness, power, revenge, gelosy are the impulses driving most people fantasies. They are complex psichological creation with simbolic not l...

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Spontaneity is not a requirement for good sex. And most of our memories about spontaneous interactions were actually pretty well plenned.

Planning is the antidote. Planning creates anticipation and should not be seen as a task. It should be a game, where imagination takes over. Some ideas:

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