There is no person to judge you when you are watching porn. There is a psychological safety coming from this selfish act that is inhibited by a loving intimate relationship.

Porn works because it's selfish

Passion requires uncertainty. It thrives on mystery. A stable relationship however is based on predictability. And this is the core conflict modern couples need to resolve.It is a rather new phenomenon as it's recently that marriage came with the expectation of eroticism. The institution having been an economic contract for millennia.

Predictable relationship -> Lousy sex

Equality assumes that women and men have to behave the same in bedroom.But sex is a power-game, where some want to dominate or be dominated. That's normal, even as it goes against our current western political sensibilities.

Sex is politically incorrect

... are mental activities that generate desire. They can be fuzzy or very descriptive.Most of them are hidden as are not very adequate: aggressiveness, power, revenge, gelosy are the impulses driving most people fantasies. They are complex psichological creation with simbolic not literal meaning.

Sexual fantasies

Spontaneity is not a requirement for good sex. And most of our memories about spontaneous interactions were actually pretty well plenned.Planning is the antidote. Planning creates anticipation and should not be seen as a task. It should be a game, where imagination takes over. Some ideas:<ul><li>Plan romanticism the same way you plan the rest of the day</li><li>Have an email to discuss naughty things with your partner.</li><li>Role play.</li></ul>

The Spontaneity Myth

Intimacy and passion are a paradoxical relationship one needs to accept. You can not have them both at the same time. You can have them at separate times. It's like flux and reflux. Keeping them in an equilibrium is the challenge and the opportunity of a couple.

The equilibrium of a relationship

The level of intimacy in a couple is usually inversely corelated with sexual desire:<ul><li>Intimacy increases the amount of care for one another. But great sex requires egoism.</li><li>In a close couple, the distance between the two shrinks. Distance is a prerequisite for desire. We need a private physical , emotional and intelectual space.</li><li>Autonomy diminishes. But we tend to love independence.</li></ul>Love is to be had while desire is to be wanted. Love is confort while desire cares about the unknown.

More intimacy, less sex

One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.

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One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.