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Why Am I So Obsessed with Giving People Gifts?
Gift giving: Equating worth with giving
If you equate love and worth with things and giving, it doesn't mean you have to repeat the pattern. You have the autonomy and agency to decide what feels okay for you.
Love, care, and appreciation can be shown in other ways, such as a phone call or a glass of wine with your partner over dinner. People feel happier when they're making a real connection.
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Key Ideas
The ability to be a good listener
The idea of being a good listener is almost a cliche. Yet, most of us are terrible at it.
Becoming a good listener is not that difficult if you know where to start and are ...
Focus on the person, not the problem
Our ability to solve problems is helpful in life, but it is the wrong thing to do in situations when people simply want to be heard, understood, and feel connected.
When someone is scared, angry, depressed, or just upset, they don't want to feel like something is wrong with them. When you give unsolicited advice to someone who is struggling, you make them feel like a problem. Give advice when someone asks for it, otherwise, hold off on your wisdom and instead focus on being present.
Unsing open-ended questions
Being a good listener is not about getting the facts about what made them upset. It is to be supportive, offer encouragement, and empathize.
Ask open-ended questions to communicate that you're interested in them. Avoid questions beginning with 'Why' and use 'What' or 'How' instead. Generic open-ended questions that work well are:
- What was that like for you?
- Can you tell me more about that?
- How did you feel about that?
- What was going through your mind?
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Key Ideas
The five love languages
The idea is: we all express and feel love differently, and understanding those differences can seriously help your relationships.
We all show affection in different ways. These “languag...
The five love languages, in a nutshell
- Words of affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise or appreciation.
- Acts of service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
- Receiving gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
- Quality time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
- Physical touch: It can range from having sex to holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.
Love languages for non-romantic relationships
The concept of love languages helps pretty much any relationship - it’s useful to understand what matters to people.
It all comes down to knowing what’s important to people so you can understand, empathize and work with them a little better.
We all have different life experiences; we come from different backgrounds. It makes sense that we communicate differently, too.
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Creating routines
Too much is expected of modern relationships: your partner is supposed to fulfil roles that historically used to be spread out within communal structures. Your partner is supposed to be your be...
How to respond to the "invisible work"
During the pandemic, being at home with a partner reveals the "invisible work" they're doing, which may be taken for granted. This expanded view of ourselves and our partners can go in two directions.
- In one direction, you are curious and say, "I never knew. I really appreciate it. I realize how I let you do everything." It becomes a source of connection.
- It the other direction, it becomes a source of blame where you want to complain and tell your partner just how much you are doing. This way, you're not going to get help.
How people should fight
Couples go through harmony, disharmony, and repair. So they will inevitably get into arguments. However, what matters is how you fight. Don't highlight everything negative while taking the positive for granted.
Start by saying to yourself, "What are the one or two things that they have done that I can appreciate?" If you start with that, you will fight differently.
Stay focussed on the one thing that you're upset about at this moment. Don't end up talking about other things.