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Why Am I So Obsessed with Giving People Gifts?
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Unhealthy gift-giving
Some people are obsessed with giving gifts, even if they can't afford it.
Science says we do this because giving to others genuinely makes people happier. Even if you’re struggling to meet your own basic needs, you’re more likely to derive happiness from spending your money on someone else. But there is a limit.
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Overcoming an unhealthy behavior
It is useful to map out the habit loop.
- The trigger: what thoughts or feelings are driving your behaviour?
- The behaviour: What action do you take when you experience that trigger?
- The result: What is the feeling you get after completing that action?
People often think that a behaviour feels good, but when they pay attention while acting out that behaviour, they notice that it actually doesn't. After they notice unhelpful behaviours, it is important to replace the habit with something uplifting.
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Gift giving: Equating worth with giving
If you equate love and worth with things and giving, it doesn't mean you have to repeat the pattern. You have the autonomy and agency to decide what feels okay for you.
Love, care, and appreciation can be shown in other ways, such as a phone call or a glass of wine with your partner over dinner. People feel happier when they're making a real connection.
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Understanding how people feel appreciated
The idea of Gary Chapman's love languages is that everyone gives and receives love in different ways. If we want to show people that we care about them, we need to understand what behaviours they interpret as an expression of appreciation.
The five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
Most people prefer one over the others. Knowing which one a person prefers will free you from the need to spend money on fancy presents.
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The ability to be a good listener
The idea of being a good listener is almost a cliche. Yet, most of us are terrible at it.
Becoming a good listener is not that difficult if you know where to start and are ...
Focus on the person, not the problem
Our ability to solve problems is helpful in life, but it is the wrong thing to do in situations when people simply want to be heard, understood, and feel connected.
When someone is scared, angry, depressed, or just upset, they don't want to feel like something is wrong with them. When you give unsolicited advice to someone who is struggling, you make them feel like a problem. Give advice when someone asks for it, otherwise, hold off on your wisdom and instead focus on being present.
Unsing open-ended questions
Being a good listener is not about getting the facts about what made them upset. It is to be supportive, offer encouragement, and empathize.
Ask open-ended questions to communicate that you're interested in them. Avoid questions beginning with 'Why' and use 'What' or 'How' instead. Generic open-ended questions that work well are:
- What was that like for you?
- Can you tell me more about that?
- How did you feel about that?
- What was going through your mind?
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Chapman’s Five Love Languages
Author Gary Chapman developed the theory that there are five basic ways romantic partners give and receive love.
The five love languages are:
- Ph...
The Receiving Gifts Love Language
We often speak the love language to our partners that we ourselves want to receive.
If your partner's love language is gifts, they'll put the item on display or wear it every day, But the surest way to find out if your partner's love language is gifts is to ask them.
Our Partner’s Gift-Giving Language
If the gifts love language doesn't come naturally to you, you should still learn the language if your partner speaks it.
Look at things in your daily life from a gift-giving perspective. It doesn't have to be expensive, just little reminders that they're always on your mind. If you know someone who speaks gifts as their love language, then not getting them a gift on a special occasion would be very hurtful to them, as would approaching the gift-giving as more a chore than an opportunity.
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Creating routines
Too much is expected of modern relationships: your partner is supposed to fulfil roles that historically used to be spread out within communal structures. Your partner is supposed to be your be...
How to respond to the "invisible work"
During the pandemic, being at home with a partner reveals the "invisible work" they're doing, which may be taken for granted. This expanded view of ourselves and our partners can go in two directions.
- In one direction, you are curious and say, "I never knew. I really appreciate it. I realize how I let you do everything." It becomes a source of connection.
- It the other direction, it becomes a source of blame where you want to complain and tell your partner just how much you are doing. This way, you're not going to get help.
How people should fight
Couples go through harmony, disharmony, and repair. So they will inevitably get into arguments. However, what matters is how you fight. Don't highlight everything negative while taking the positive for granted.
Start by saying to yourself, "What are the one or two things that they have done that I can appreciate?" If you start with that, you will fight differently.
Stay focussed on the one thing that you're upset about at this moment. Don't end up talking about other things.