Someone is usually extremely angry or deeply upset because they care. But that care can be better used. It requires developing the skills and language to identify the underlying dynamics which is behind our fights.

When we together understand how these patterns came to be, we can help each other through it and create new patterns.

• "I feel something, but that doesn't mean you're necessarily doing it. I need you to hear that,"
• "Honey, I'm going to friends tonight, but was thinking we can do something special tomorrow - what do you think?"

The deeper issues that drive escalation is seldom about the content of the fight. The real issue is about the needs, vulnerabilities, and biases that get triggered again and again, creating a lens through which we view every interaction.

For example, if our partner mak...