<p>We all know that moment when a relationship fight pushes us over the edge. It's when we wonder how this very same issue that upsets me so much can pop up again.</p>
<p><em>Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time scrolling through social media when we desire quality time. The tone of voice that makes us feel stupid. The personal jabs that leave us feeling raw.</em></p>

Relationship fights that leaves us beyond repair

Love & Relationships

<p>The deeper issues that drive escalation is seldom about the content of the fight. <strong>The real issue is about the needs, vulnerabilities, and biases</strong> that get triggered again and again, creating a lens through which we view every interaction.</p>
<p><em>For example, if our partner makes time to play tennis with a friend but doesn't show interest in a date night, we may think they don't want to be with us. We may then interpret everything else from the angle that they don't want to be with us.</em></p>

The real issue behind a relationship fight

<p>Identifying the hidden dimension under the relationship fight can affect how we fight and how we move forward.</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Power and control fights:</strong>  <em>"You undermine me with the kids."/ "Because I make less money, I feel like I have to check with you before I buy anything."</em></li>
<li><strong>Care and closeness fights:</strong>  <em>"Why am I always the one to text or call you? "Why can't you support me when I'm anxious?"</em></li>
<li><strong>Respect and recognition fights:</strong> <em>"You never acknowledge my accomplishments."/"I don't think you realize how much I do."</em></li>
</ul>

Three hidden dimensions under relationship fights

<p>Someone is usually extremely angry or deeply upset because they care. <strong>But that care can be better used.</strong> It requires developing the skills and language to identify the underlying dynamics which is behind our fights.</p>
<p><strong>When we together understand how these patterns came to be, we can help each other through it and create new patterns</strong>.</p>
<ul>
<li><em>"I feel something, but that doesn't mean you're necessarily doing it. I need you to hear that,"</em></li>
<li><em>"Honey, I'm going to friends tonight, but was thinking we can do something special tomorrow - what do you think?"</em></li>
</ul>

Couple fights: Getting out of the habit

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                    <h1>The 3 Types of Relationship Fights You Keep Having - And What To Do About Them</h1>
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                            <p><em>By Esther Perel and Mary Alice Miller</em></p><hr/><p>We all know that moment of deeply upsetting bewilderment that pushes a relationship fight over the edge. It’s when we ask ourselves for the umpteeth time <b><i>HOW could they POSSIBLY be DOING this AGAIN when they know how much it UPSETS me? </i></b><br/></p>
<p>Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time spent scrolling social media when we long for quality time. A big decision made solo instead of together. That tone of voice that makes us feel stupid. The past transgression that refuses to leave the room. The cycle of judgement toward one another that underscores and inflames a banal interaction. Looking at our watch as we wait for them yet again. The political conversation that leaves us screaming <i>how can you think that way! </i>The personal jabs that leave us feeling raw. <b>It’s the triggers we pull and can’t take back when we push each other to our most vulnerable soft spots. </b></p>
<p>In all of these familiar scenarios, our hyper-focus on the content of our arguments leaves us spiraling into escalation, our heart rates and limbic system hijacked until we’re completely depleted and polarized seemingly beyond repair. These ugly crescendos leave us tending to our wounds alone, which is especially hard when we also count on our relationships to help us heal. <b>How many of us know the feeling of wanting to be hugged by the very person with whom we can’t stand to be in the same room?</b></p>
<h2>Your Relationship Fight Isn’t About What You Think It Is</h2>
<p><b>The deeper issues that drive escalation are rarely about the content of our fights</b>—dirty dishes, too much time on our phone, politics, the kids—<b>they’re about the needs, vulnerabilities, and biases that get triggered over and over. </b>Unsurprisingly, when a situation affects us deeply, it’s because it resonates with something else we have experienced before. As Dr. Marion Solomon and Dr. Daniel J. Seigel wrote in <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trauma-Attachment-Interpersonal-Neurobiology/dp/0393703967">Healing Trauma,</a> “the greater the intimacy with another person, the more likely that emotions, even archaic ones, will emerge, along with primitive defenses. A therapeutic approach...help[s] partners acknowledge their sense of vulnerability, discover its roots, tolerate waves of emotion, and find ways to address the underlying pain.” </p>
<p>If our partner not looking up from their iPad when we get into bed with them triggers us, it’s not because they didn’t look up. It’s because it falls into a pattern we experience as neglectful. If our partner makes time every week to play tennis with their friend, but doesn’t show interest in planning a weekly date night, it may trigger our insecurity that they don’t actually want to be with us or that we’re not enough for them. In both cases these triggers act as a funnel to our senses of abandonment and failure. <b>And when these triggers compound over time, it creates a lens through which we view every interaction. </b>So, if we think that our partner doesn’t care about us, then everything they do will be interpreted through that lens. Conversely, if we think that our partner wants our wellbeing, we will interpret most of what they say and do from that angle. </p>
<p>We all know the feeling of defending an action we think is too minimal to have caused such offense in the first place. And we all know the feeling of breathlessly explaining how upset we are without totally understanding why. <b>What would happen if we took a pause, took a breath, and attempted to work together to identify what’s really going on? </b>Often, it comes down to three possibilities.</p>
<h2>Identifying the 3 Hidden Dimensions Under Most Relationship Fights</h2>
<p>Ever heard the phrase “you’re missing the forest for the trees?” It means that we’re so focused on individual details that we’re missing the bigger picture. <b>Identifying which hidden dimension is causing our relationship fights to escalate helps us get out of the woods, so to speak.</b> Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman explains that there are many hidden dimensions at play under most relationship impasses. But beginning with just the following three can have a profound effect on how we fight—and how we move forward. </p>
<ul><li><p>Power and Control - Fights about power and control can sound like:</p><ul><li><p><i>“You undermine me with the kids.”</i></p></li><li><p><i>“Because I don’t make as much money as you, I feel like I have to check with you before I buy anything. I know you don’t ask me to but you don’t have to.”</i></p></li><li><p><i>“We only have sex when you want to.”</i></p></li></ul></li><li><p>Care and Closeness - Fights about care and closeness can sound like:</p><ul><li><p><i>“Why can’t you support me when I’m anxious rather than make me feel worse about my coping skills?”</i></p></li><li><p><i>“Why am I always the one to text or call you? I pursue; you distance.”</i></p></li><li><p><i>“Why don’t we have sex anymore?”</i></p></li></ul></li><li><p>Respect and Recognition - Fights about respect and recognition can sound like:</p><ul><li><p><i>“You go out with your friends without asking me what I’m doing.”</i></p></li><li><p><i>“You never acknowledge my professional accomplishments.”</i></p></li><li><p><i>“I don’t think you realize how much I do around the house.”</i></p></li></ul></li></ul><p><b>Every fight exists within a context. </b>In any fight, there’s usually more than just one of these dimensions making us question our sanity and relationship, but allowing these categories to function as a framework for identifying where our conflicts are coming from inspires language that leads to more productive conversations.</p>
<h2>Getting Out of the Loop Requires Creating New Patterns </h2>
<p>It’s hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but when someone is extremely angry or deeply upset, it’s usually because they care. That care can be better utilized. It requires developing the skills and language to identify the underlying dynamics which serve as the backdrop to so many of our fights. <b>When we work together in a healthy way to understand how these patterns came to be, we shift our relational trajectory toward how we can help each other through it.</b></p>
<p><b>Getting out of the loop is a process of dismantling entrenched dynamics, reversing them micromovement by micromovement. </b>One step leads to another. It may feel unnatural at first to engage in such choreography—articulating our feelings while consciously allowing room for the other’s perspective—but all relationships are a dance. Eventually, it will become more organic to say “<i>I feel something but that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily doing it, but I need you to hear that,”</i> or <i>“Honey, I’m going to hang out with my friends tonight but I was thinking we could do something special tomorrow—what do you think?”</i> <b>Creating new patterns of mutual self-awareness and affirmation of the other is the key to improving our relational dynamics. </b>Remember, the process shapes the experience. The form is more important than the content. </p>

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            </p><p>Your relationship arguments aren't always about what you think they are. Read more to learn about the three hidden dimensions under most relationship fights and how to break the loop.</p>
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            </p><p>My monthly newsletter and workshop is meant to inspire you to reflect, act, and develop greater confidence and relational intelligence in all of your relationships. This month's theme is: Questions That Meet People Where They Are Now.</p>
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The 3 Types of Relationship Fights You Keep Having - And What To Do About Them

<p><em>By Esther Perel and Mary Alice Miller </em> </p>

<p>We all know that moment of deeply upsetting bewilderment that pushes a relationship fight over the edge. It’s when we ask ourselves for the umpteeth time <b><i>HOW could they POSSIBLY be DOING this AGAIN when they know how much it UPSETS me? </i> </b><br/> </p>

<p>Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time spent scrolling social media when we long for quality time. A big decision made solo instead of together. That tone of voice that makes us feel stupid. The past transgression that refuses to leave the room. The cycle of judgement toward one another that underscores and inflames a banal interaction. Looking at our watch as we wait for them yet again. The political conversation that leaves us screaming <i>how can you think that way! </i>The personal jabs that leave us feeling raw. <b>It’s the triggers we pull and can’t take back when we push each other to our most vulnerable soft spots. </b> </p>

<p>In all of these familiar scenarios, our hyper-focus on the content of our arguments leaves us spiraling into escalation, our heart rates and limbic system hijacked until we’re completely depleted and polarized seemingly beyond repair. These ugly crescendos leave us tending to our wounds alone, which is especially hard when we also count on our relationships to help us heal. <b>How many of us know the feeling of wanting to be hugged by the very person with whom we can’t stand to be in the same room? </b> </p>

Your Relationship Fight Isn’t About What You Think It Is

<p><b>The deeper issues that drive escalation are rarely about the content of our fights </b>—dirty dishes, too much time on our phone, politics, the kids—<b>they’re about the needs, vulnerabilities, and biases that get triggered over and over. </b>Unsurprisingly, when a situation affects us deeply, it’s because it resonates with something else we have experienced before. As Dr. Marion Solomon and Dr. Daniel J. Seigel wrote in <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trauma-Attachment-Interpersonal-Neurobiology/dp/0393703967">Healing Trauma, </a>“the greater the intimacy with another person, the more likely that emotions, even archaic ones, will emerge, along with primitive defenses. A therapeutic approach...help[s] partners acknowledge their sense of vulnerability, discover its roots, tolerate waves of emotion, and find ways to address the underlying pain.” </p>

<p>If our partner not looking up from their iPad when we get into bed with them triggers us, it’s not because they didn’t look up. It’s because it falls into a pattern we experience as neglectful. If our partner makes time every week to play tennis with their friend, but doesn’t show interest in planning a weekly date night, it may trigger our insecurity that they don’t actually want to be with us or that we’re not enough for them. In both cases these triggers act as a funnel to our senses of abandonment and failure. <b>And when these triggers compound over time, it creates a lens through which we view every interaction. </b>So, if we think that our partner doesn’t care about us, then everything they do will be interpreted through that lens. Conversely, if we think that our partner wants our wellbeing, we will interpret most of what they say and do from that angle. </p>

<p>We all know the feeling of defending an action we think is too minimal to have caused such offense in the first place. And we all know the feeling of breathlessly explaining how upset we are without totally understanding why. <b>What would happen if we took a pause, took a breath, and attempted to work together to identify what’s really going on? </b>Often, it comes down to three possibilities. </p>

Identifying the 3 Hidden Dimensions Under Most Relationship Fights

<p>Ever heard the phrase “you’re missing the forest for the trees?” It means that we’re so focused on individual details that we’re missing the bigger picture. <b>Identifying which hidden dimension is causing our relationship fights to escalate helps us get out of the woods, so to speak. </b>Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman explains that there are many hidden dimensions at play under most relationship impasses. But beginning with just the following three can have a profound effect on how we fight—and how we move forward. </p>

<ul><li><p>Power and Control - Fights about power and control can sound like: </p><ul><li><p><i>“You undermine me with the kids.” </i> </p> </li><li><p><i>“Because I don’t make as much money as you, I feel like I have to check with you before I buy anything. I know you don’t ask me to but you don’t have to.” </i> </p> </li><li><p><i>“We only have sex when you want to.” </i> </p> </li> </ul> </li><li><p>Care and Closeness - Fights about care and closeness can sound like: </p><ul><li><p><i>“Why can’t you support me when I’m anxious rather than make me feel worse about my coping skills?” </i> </p> </li><li><p><i>“Why am I always the one to text or call you? I pursue; you distance.” </i> </p> </li><li><p><i>“Why don’t we have sex anymore?” </i> </p> </li> </ul> </li><li><p>Respect and Recognition - Fights about respect and recognition can sound like: </p><ul><li><p><i>“You go out with your friends without asking me what I’m doing.” </i> </p> </li><li><p><i>“You never acknowledge my professional accomplishments.” </i> </p> </li><li><p><i>“I don’t think you realize how much I do around the house.” </i> </p> </li> </ul> </li> </ul>

<p><b>Every fight exists within a context. </b>In any fight, there’s usually more than just one of these dimensions making us question our sanity and relationship, but allowing these categories to function as a framework for identifying where our conflicts are coming from inspires language that leads to more productive conversations. </p>

Getting Out of the Loop Requires Creating New Patterns

<p>It’s hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but when someone is extremely angry or deeply upset, it’s usually because they care. That care can be better utilized. It requires developing the skills and language to identify the underlying dynamics which serve as the backdrop to so many of our fights. <b>When we work together in a healthy way to understand how these patterns came to be, we shift our relational trajectory toward how we can help each other through it. </b> </p>

<p><b>Getting out of the loop is a process of dismantling entrenched dynamics, reversing them micromovement by micromovement. </b>One step leads to another. It may feel unnatural at first to engage in such choreography—articulating our feelings while consciously allowing room for the other’s perspective—but all relationships are a dance. Eventually, it will become more organic to say “<i>I feel something but that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily doing it, but I need you to hear that,” </i>or <i>“Honey, I’m going to hang out with my friends tonight but I was thinking we could do something special tomorrow—what do you think?” </i><b>Creating new patterns of mutual self-awareness and affirmation of the other is the key to improving our relational dynamics. </b>Remember, the process shapes the experience. The form is more important than the content. </p>

<p>Let's talk about desire. Esther's intimacy inventory is a free resource that will help you start important conversations about love and sexuality. </p>

The 3 Types of Relationship Fights You Keep Having—And What To Do About Them

<p>Your relationship arguments aren't always about what you think they are. Read more to learn about the three hidden dimensions under most relationship fights and how to break the loop. </p>

Letters from Esther #18: Questions That Meet People Where They Are Now

<p>My monthly newsletter and workshop is meant to inspire you to reflect, act, and develop greater confidence and relational intelligence in all of your relationships. This month's theme is: Questions That Meet People Where They Are Now. </p>

How Erotic Thinking Helps Emotional Connection

<p>Creativity is where Eroticism lives. No matter how effective our routines have been—or how much we’ve even enjoyed them—if they’re not filled with creativity, they inevitably leave us numb. Read more on how eroticism helps emotional connection. </p>

Bite-sized knowledge
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your career

The 3 Types of Relationship Fights You Keep Having - And What To Do About Them

Relationship fights that leaves us beyond repair

The real issue behind a relationship fight

Three hidden dimensions under relationship fights

Couple fights: Getting out of the habit

IDEAS ABOUT

MORE LIKE THIS

How to Fix the Fights You're Sick of Having

Routines and Rituals - Esther Perel

Relationship Accountability and the Rise of Ghosting

It's time to

READ

LIKE

A PRO!

Bite-sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

The 3 Types of Relationship Fights You Keep Having - And What To Do About Them

Relationship fights that leaves us beyond repair

The real issue behind a relationship fight

Three hidden dimensions under relationship fights

Couple fights: Getting out of the habit

IDEAS ABOUT

MORE LIKE THIS

How to Fix the Fights You're Sick of Having

Routines and Rituals - Esther Perel

Relationship Accountability and the Rise of Ghosting

It's time to

READ

LIKE

A PRO!

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career