The language of gaslighting is designed to protect the gaslighter while making you call your own experience into question. It’s designed to silence you, warp events from the past, and make the gaslighter look like the good guy and you look like a highly emotional, over-reactive fantasist. It's important to be aware of the subtlety of these gaslighting tactics and how effective they can be at forcing you to question your own sense of reality.

Gaslighting Phrases Used to Confuse and Control

This sentence allows the gaslighter to play the innocent victim role and is designed to make you feel bad about calling the gaslighter out. When someone looks sad and confused as you start to make your case, it can force you to stop in your tracks and ease up on your accusations.

"I really don’t know what I’ve done."

This statement can be elaborated with add-ons such as, “...but you need to calm down.” The gaslighter can simply claim to have no idea why you’re upset or angry and no knowledge of whatever it is you might be calling them out for. They just don’t know.And because they play the innocent card so effectively, you’re left questioning if you really are over-exaggerating, or whether they have done anything at all wrong.

"I have no idea what you’re talking about."

When the gaslighter says "let's wipe the slate clean" it shows him to be a generous character, happy to put any differences behind.The same phrase places the victim in a weak position. It would seem petty and bitter to hold onto a grudge when someone is obviously holding out an olive branch. And so, with that simple, gracious-sounding statement, the gaslighter is absolved of his abusive behaviour.

"Wipe the slate clean."

This statement suggests that anything that happened in the past should be left in the past—no matter what terrible behaviour is expected to be washed away.If you’re on the receiving end of this, you feel you should be the bigger person and let “bygones be bygones” —even if you’re still carrying around the scars from the gaslighter’s previous behaviour. There’s nothing gaslighters love more than to move on without taking any responsibility for past hurts.

"It’s all water under the bridge."

Gaslighters have a wonderful ability to get in there first and state their case. Most people take it for granted that they value honesty and fairness and don’t feel a need to explicitly state this to others. Gaslighters often do.Gaslighters know, deep down, that they’re going to spin a complex web of lies and deceit—so they get in there first with a disclaimer.

"I won’t stand for lies/dishonesty/a lack of professionalism."

Gaslighters love to cut you to the core and say some deeply hurtful things. When you react with <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anger">anger</a>, upset, or indeed in any way, they criticise you for taking what they’ve said personally. Variations on this include telling you that you’re “overly sensitive” or “can’t take a joke.” What the gaslighter is doing in all these cases is invalidating your experience.

"Don’t take it so personally."

Gaslighters, who are often also narcissists, need to get other people on their side and are masters of coordinating a group of sympathisers.  If you attempt to state your case based on your experience, it can effectively be invalidated by pointing out that your experience doesn’t match others'—thereby questioning whether your experience can be right.

"Nobody else feels that way."

Gaslighters love to wipe the slate clean, let bygones be bygones, and point out that you're too sensitive—all of which is designed to make you question your reality.

"I really don’t know what I’ve done."

Similar ideas to "I really don’t know what I’ve done."

What a covert aggressive looks like

Two Kinds of "I Don’t Know"

“Yes. What should I deprioritize?”