How to get better at small talk

Anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski noted in 1923 that a great deal of talk "does not serve any purpose of communicating ideas" but "to establish bonds of personal union." He also said that small talk was merely a way to fill the silence.

He was wrong. Small talk is not just for those seeking companionship. It enacts and reinforces social roles in a whole range of social, commercial, and professional settings. 

• Speech communicates information or ideas. It is the semantic content of speech.
• On another level, talking is a social behavior. Every speech does something. It reassures, acknowledges, nurtures, enjoins, rejects, dominates, encourages, or just fill an awkward silence.

It is by listening that human beings are able to connect, co-operate, comprehend, empathize, understand and develop themselves.

Listening is fundamental to any meaningful relationship, whether it is personal, professional or political.

Meeting others face-to-face, or even talking over the phone is increasingly unpleasant and intrusive, with text messages and emoji being preferred.

Lack of listening is fuelling the rise of loneliness, which is linked to heart disease, stroke, and even premature death.

• If you weren’t working here, what would you probably be doing right now?
• How did you become a [job title]?
• What’s the craziest thing a boss has ever asked you to do?
• If you were guaranteed to be successful, what job would you want?
• What was your first job? Did you like it?
• What’s the best career advice you’ve ever received? How about the worst?

• Are you reading any good books right now? How about shows?
• Are there any apps on your phone that you can’t live without?
• If you could only watch one genre of movies for the rest of your life, what would it be?
• Do you have any podcast suggestions for my commute?
• What’s the last movie that made you cry? Or laugh aloud?
• Who is your favorite person to follow on Instagram?

The best conversationalists aren’t those who always have witty things to say, but those who are genuine listeners. 

Good listeners don’t just listen with their ears, but with their whole body. They lean into the conversation, establish eye contact, and provide their undivided attention to the person they’re speaking with.

Those that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer, are the best type of questions to ask if you’re looking to establish common ground. 

Just be careful not to overdo your questioning. You don’t want the other person to feel like they’re being interrogated.

Making good conversation implies mastering the technique of asking the right questions, in the correct order, in a proper tone.

 The purpose is to get to know the other, without making it feel like an interrogation.

Once you have got the chance to get to know a bit more about the other, you can initiate the use of deeper questions. 

These allow you to create a bond and to show to the other person how interested you are in his or her life.

• Evaluate: We judge what someone is saying and agree or disagree.
• Probe: We ask questions from our own frame of reference.
• Advise: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
• Interpret: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.

When you’re in conversation, set your mind to being present, receptive, and ready to listen with compassion. 

Bring yourself into the moment with a few deep breaths and ask yourself: What is this person communicating beyond the words they use? 

The myth purports that we use 55% body language, 38% tone of voice and 7% actual words.

The research of Professor Mehrabian had nothing to do with speech, but to guess emotion based on the recordings of a single word. 

Actual words "must dominate by a wide margin", argues famous author Philip Yaffe.

Smiling is one of the most powerful elements when thinking about speech.

The smiley face is rated with the highest positive emotional content. The painting of the Mona Lisa with her contented smiled is one such example.