Ever say “I’ll be happy when …?” Here’s why you need to stop doing that — now

Happiness is a broad evaluation of how we feel about our lives over time. It’s synonymous with what psychologists call “subjective well-being” and encompasses a range of different factors, including how we feel about our health and our work, whether we feel we have meaning and purpose in life and how connected we feel to other people.

If happiness is how we feel about our lives over time, joy is how we feel in the moment. Joy is an intense, momentary burst of positive emotion.

We can tell we’re experiencing joy because we feel it in our bodies as well as our minds. We smile and laugh, our posture opens, and we may feel warm or light. Joy makes us feel like the best version of ourselves — energized, invigorated, and alive.

Because happiness is somewhat big and complex, it’s not always easy to know what will make us happy.

Many of us have been conditioned to see happiness as tied to certain big milestones in life such as finding a partner, getting a promotion, buying a house, having a child.

We tell ourselves that securing these things will complete the puzzle and give us our “happily ever after.” But the reality is, we’re not always especially good at predicting what will make us happy.

It’s also important to note that we don’t actually have a lot of control about how or when these big things happen to us.

Research has shown that while happiness tends to spike in the wake of this kind of big life event, it tends to return to its natural set point not long after. Reaching a milestone can feel good, but eventually we start to look for the next milestone, and then we’re back to thinking “I’ll be happy when …” all over again.

• We put off spending time with the people we love to put in overtime at work so we can get that raise.
• We don’t decorate our rental apartment because we want to save every single penny for a down payment, but in the meantime we live in a boring blank box.
• We put off the trip to Iceland until we have the right partner to go with. But then as we scroll through our Instagram feed, it feels like everyone else is living life while we’re just sitting on the sidelines.

• makes us passive and stuck
• keeps us waiting for life to happen to us instead of creating a life we want right now.
• keeps us wishing and searching instead of enjoying and living.

So often we dismiss joy because it seems like a distraction from the big happiness we’re hoping for. But even though moments of joy are small, they do something significant: They expand our world.

And whether that happiness comes sooner or later, in the meantime you’re living a full life, one that is rich in joy.

But what I’ve learned about leaning into the present rather than waiting for the future is that something unexpected always happens.

Sometimes it’s adventure, and then you’re left with memories you never would’ve had if you’d just waited for happiness to find you. Other times, we find new friends, new opportunities, new inspiration — things that may actually help you get to the happiness you’re seeking faster or help you uncover a new definition of happiness.

But I’ve realized that waiting for happiness is a habit, and like any other habit, we can break it. Now, when I catch myself saying some version of “I’ll be happy when …” I try to imagine myself in the future, looking back on right now.

Then I ask myself: “How will I wish I’d used this time?” Asking this question always brings me back to joy, because the answer is never “Waiting for things to change.” Usually, it’s more like “Living the best version of my life as it is right now.”

See, waiting for happiness is often rooted in a kind of perfectionism, which works backwards from an imagined perfect life and measures everything else against it. Anything that falls short of that so-called perfect life is a disappointment. And since perfection is unattainable, even when you do get the thing you were hoping for, you’re constantly operating at a deficit.

Joy, on the other hand, starts where you are. Joy begins with a beautifully imperfect life and asks: How can we can make this life more vibrant, more fun, more full of the things that make us excited to wake up in the morning? It’s a creative mindset, not a comparing one.