How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships
Curated from: The School of Life
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On Criticizing Our Partner
- Maybe you're criticizing them for their bad habits, e.g. Drinking, Addictions, Not Enough Exercise, Poor Money Management, etc.
- There are no prizes in love for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners.
- By attacking our partner with clinical energy, we reduces our chances of ever reaching the real goal : the evolution of the person we have to live with
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On the Receiving Side
- What makes us bristle and deny everything generally isn't generally the accusation themselves.
- We know our flaws far too well.
- We know the other person is right, we just can't bear to take their criticism on board, given how severely it's been delivered.
- We start to deny everything, not because the accusations are wrong, but because we are too terrified; the light of truth is shining too bright.
- The fear is that if we admitted our failings, we would be crushed, shown up as worthless, required to attempt an arduous, miserable process of change without requisite sympathy.
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The Answer
- Both sides must be ready to evolve, and during this process of evolution give and take sympathy and vulnerability with each other.
- Both partners accept that they are flawed, but not - on this basis - ever beyond the need for love and kindness.
- Take and give a well-considered criticism, layered by both, reassurance and sympathy.
- We need to be generous enough in our love in order that our partner can admit when they are in the wrong.
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"People don't change when they are told what's wrong with them, they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they already know is due."
THE SCHOOL OF LIFE
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