I lived as a monk and studied Zen for 20 years—here’s the No. 1 thing people miss when they talk about happiness

1. Stop and reflect.

2. Redefine unrealistic expectations you set for yourself.

3. Allow yourself to be happy in the present moment.

Think about all the ways you're focusing on an imaginary future instead of the present.

Ask yourself:

• Do you sometimes let your need to control the future get in the way of you enjoying the present moment? When do you tend to do that, and why?
• It is essential to honor your dreams, but how can you put some of that energy into the most important things in your life today?
• What can you be grateful for right now?

Find that voice in your head that keeps reminding you of the need for control. Tell that voice, in no uncertain terms, that you are not living to impress it.

Can you imagine living a life where that inner voice is irrelevant? Instead, can you direct that energy towards something that will give you a sense of joy or peace?

Close your eyes, take three slow breaths, and give yourself permission to feel happy.

If you find yourself struggling, think about why that is. I've found that when people think about giving up control and letting life guide them, fear can get in their way.

There will always be stressful situations that need your attention, like taking care of the people in your life. But you can let happiness in by shifting your focus from future-oriented fears to the present.

You deserve to roll with the life you've got. You deserve to flow with the unexpected and not "have it all together."