Ayush Gangwar .'s Key Ideas from How to Not Die Alone
by Logan Ury

Become Rationalizer or Saticifizer

Rationalizer:

• Possesses the ability to convince themselves that they made the right decision.
• When committed to someone, their brain works to convince them that it was a good decision.

Satisfier:

• Sets high standards in partner selection.
• May explore various options until they find one that meets their expectations.
• Once they find a suitable match, they are content and don't continue searching.

Characteristics:

• Left to fate/god for good relationship and partner
• Have expectation like Disney Movies

Solution:

• Have work it out attitude

Dispelling Myths in Dating:

• No soul mate, try and find out different partners
• No perfect happy ending , work it out
• No rom-com or meet cute, love finds it way over time
• Social media couple lie, only good and highs are posted

Characteristics:

• Lacks the courage to initiate dating and often finds excuses to delay it.
• Holds unrealistic expectations of themselves in the dating context.

• Learning by doing it
• Avoid Intention Action Gap
• Reinforce your own identity

• Avoid Present Bias or Forcing Illusions
• Money matters, but only up to a certain extent, but don’t prioritize wealth above all else.
• Don’t prioritize lust over more important long-term factors.
• Someone who complements you and help you in achieving in long term goals, not your personality twin.
• Don’t worry about finding someone with the same hobbies, just give each other the space and freedom to explore those hobbies
• Except limited roles from partners which are in their area of competence

Qualities to Seek in a Partner:

• Emotional Stability, Kindness, ability to self-regulate
• Kindness: how they treat people from whom they don’t need anything.
• Loyalty: see if they have friends from different stages of their lives
• Growth Mindset: pay attention to how they handle themselves in different situations
• Personality That Brings Out the Best in You
• Fights instead of letting resentment build.

• Use event decision matrix
• Ask friends and family to setup
• People in lines are bored, strike conversation
• Connect with people you already knew
• Strike conversation on flight and train, experimentally proven to be beneficial

1. Treat it as date not an interview
2. Experience the date over evaluating the partner
3. Pre date rituals: Listen comedy, Do minor exercise to release endorphins
4. Selection of time and place: Show you have put effort in selecting place and activity | Opt for creative/fun/engaging activity | Avoid noisy places and clubs.
5. Sit besides
6. Laughing matters
7. Skip small talks and go for deep conversation
8. Instead of trying to be interesting, make the person feel interesting.
9. Give support responses over shift responses
10. Limit Phone use
11. End on peak

Check yourself after meeting

1. What side of me did they bring out?
2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
4. Is there something about them I’m curious about?
5. Did they make me laugh?
6. Did I feel heard?
7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?
8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
9. Do I admire this person?
10. Is this someone I can grow with?

Take a look at what unfolds when you two hang out:

1. Do you enjoy spending time with this person?
2. Do they make you happy?
3. Do you like who you are with them?
4. Do you want to kiss them?
5. Is your interest in them growing, waning, or just kind of trudging along?
6. If your date is rude or disrespectful —to you or anyone else—don’t see that person again.
7. Ditto if your date made you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or sad.

Try Wardrobe test: If your partner were a piece of clothing that you own something in your closet what piece of clothing would they be?

• Falling in love is different from being in love
• Remove negativity bias, remember good things
• Remove fundamental-attribution error
• Know difference between Permissible pet peeves and non tolerant
• Create decision points before transitioning in next step
• Clearly define the relationship, its current status, future demands and future direction
• Avoid Being Ditcher
• Avoid Being Hitcher
• Avoid any gap filling it the relationship using guesses and thoughts
• Do weekly Review of relationship

1. Are there extenuating circumstances going on in your partner’s life right now
2. What are your expectations of a long-term relationship? Are they realistic?
3. Avoid false-consensus effect ;-a tendency to assume that the majority of others agree with our own values, beliefs, and behaviors.
4. Do weekly Review of relationship

Remember why you love someone during all the logistical, financial, emotional, and spiritual challenges life throws at you

For asking out

• “Hey, I’d love to keep talking about [insert thing you were discussing]; what’s the best way to connect?”

• “I’m excited to spend time with you today”; “I like your brain”; and “I just want to rush into things with you.”

Skiping small talks

• "Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”

• “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?”

• “Let’s chat in person about this one.”

For taking it forward

• Have you ever considered if we could be more than friends?”
• I wonder what we’d be like as a married couple.
• if they’re not interested, what’s the worst that could happen? Make a joke and move on.

Openers for DTR

• I feel awkward bringing this up, but...
• “It’s always hard to ask this, but...”
• "What’ s the point of rushing if you’re not headed in the same direction?”

Strike deep conversation directly

• “You’ll never guess what happened on my way over here!”
• “I just got off the phone with my sister, and she told me about this battle she’s in with her landlord over the recycling bins.”
• "You can ask about a real thing that’s going on in your life. “

Continue Conversation/Support Responses

• “Have you been there before?”
• "How did your family choose that location?”