No More Mr Nice Guy - Deepstash

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1.

Nice guys believe that if they are good and do everything right, they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.

This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves (their mistakes, needs, emotions) and become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).

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2. Behaviors of Nice Guy:

  • caretaking
  • giving to get
  • keeping the peace
  • avoiding conflict
  • seeking approval
  • hiding mistakes

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3. Attributes of an Integrated Man:

  • He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.
  • He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.
  • He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.
  • He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.
  • He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.
  • He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.
  • He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.
  • He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.
  • An integrated male doesn’t strive to be perfect or gain the approval of others.

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4. Childhood Origin of Nice Guy Paradigm:

  • Children are born helpless and fear abandonment and are self-centered.
  • Unmet childhood needs create abandonment experiences.
  • They blame themselves and feel toxic shame and develop coping mechanisms based on powerlessness.
  • They believe they are inherently bad due to shame.
  • Cope with feeling defective by being overly nice.
  • Hide perceived badness from self and others.

Root is toxic shame and fear of abandonment.

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5. Societal Changes Leading to Nice Guy Syndrome:

  • Industrialization & urbanization disrupted traditional family structures.
  • Absent fathers and lack of male role models.
  • Being raised by women without male guidance.
  • Radical feminism portrayed men as "bad".

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Effects on Men:

  • Disconnected from manhood and masculine identity.
  • Comfortable being defined by women's approval.
  • Confused about how to be men and seeking validation through women.
  • Hiding "bad" male traits to be "nice" for women's love.
  • Dependent on women's approval due to lack of male guidance.

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6. Problems with Seeking Women's Approval:

  • Requires constant monitoring of women's sexual availability and moods.
  • Gives women power to control the relationship tone.
  • Links men's moods to women's moods.
  • Allows women to define men's worth.
  • Sacrifice own needs to please women.
  • Creates self-doubt when women critique men.
  • Leads to rage towards women when expectations aren't met.
  • Turns women into false gods then despises them for failing.

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7. Start asking yourself these important questions:

  • What do I want?
  • What feels right to me?
  • What would make me happy?

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8. Some possible affirmations:

  • I am lovable just as I am.
  • I am perfectly imperfect.   
  • My needs are important.
  • I am a strong and powerful person.
  • I can handle it.
  • People love and accept me just as I am.
  • It is OK to be human and make mistakes.
  • I am the only person I have to please.

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9.

Nice Guys need safe, trusting relationships to reveal their shame and humanity in order to change their core belief that they are bad and unlovable.

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10.

Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn’t drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.

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11.

Nice Guys want smooth lives but it's impossible - life is unpredictable. Their childhood made them think if they did everything right, life would be smooth. These beliefs help cope but don't work as adults. Nice Guys use childhood mechanisms, ensuring failure. This failure perpetuates fear and ineffectiveness in a vicious cycle.

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12.

Nice Guys need to learn how to set boundaries to take control of their lives. At first, they might go to extremes, but they learn to use the right amount of resistance. Setting boundaries is about changing themselves, not others, and taking responsibility helps relationships grow and get better.

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13.

In order to reverse the effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, Nice Guys have to reclaim their masculinity. 

Reclaiming one’s masculinity involves:

  • Connecting with other men.
  • Getting strong.
  • Finding healthy male role models.
  • Reexamining one’s relationship with one’s father.

As Nice Guys reclaim their masculine energy, everyone wins. Not only does the recovering Nice Guy get to experience deeper bonds with men, but his relationships with women grow too. 

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14.

 Nice Guys struggle to find love because of their feelings of shame, problems in relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, repeating childhood patterns, strong connection to their mother, and challenges in ending things positively.

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15. What prevents Nice Guys from getting the sex they want?

  • Avoiding sexual situations and opportunities
  • Trying to be a good lover
  • Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors
  • Repressing their life energy
  • Settling for bad sex

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16.

In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don’t sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted.

Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man.

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17. This is when the sex really gets good:

  • Release your sexual shame and fear
  • Take responsibility for your own pleasure
  • Refuse to settle for bad sex
  • Practice being  just who you are
  • Put yourself in the position to embrace this cosmic force without fear or reservation

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18.

Fear is the main thing that holds Nice Guys back. It affects everything they do or don't do. They fear making mistakes, failing, or even succeeding because they worry about being exposed as frauds or not living up to expectations. Instead of facing these fears, Nice Guys settle for less than what they could achieve.

This keeps them from being creative, focusing on their mistakes, and taking risks or trying new things.

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19.

Nice Guys think there are strict rules for a happy life, but successful people make their own rules based on what works.

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20. 30 Personal Rules to achieve everything you want:

  • If it frightens you, do it.
  • Don’t settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
  • Put yourself first.
  • No matter what happens, you will handle it.
  • Whatever you do, do it 100%.
  • If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
  • You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
  • Ask for what you want.
  • If what you are doing isn’t working, try something different.
  • Be clear and direct.
  • Learn to say «no.»
  • Don’t make excuses.
  • If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
  • Let people help you.

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  • Be honest with yourself.
  • Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
  • Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change.
  • Don’t tolerate the intolerable —ever.
  • Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
  • Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.
  • Accept the consequences of your actions.
  • Be good to yourself.
  • Think abundance.
  • Face difficult situations and conflict head on.
  • Don’t do anything in secret.
  • Do it now.
  • Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
  • Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong.

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  • Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
  • Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.

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21.

 If others can do it, so can you. It's time to take control, make your own rules, and turn dreams into reality.

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CURATED BY

selfhelpmaven

Cultivating Mind & Growth • Books • Psychology • Meditation • Money • Book Summaries & Recommendations .

CURATOR'S NOTE

21 Important Lessons of "No More Mr Nice Guy"

Curious about different takes? Check out our No More Mr Nice Guy Summary book page to explore multiple unique summaries written by Deepstash users.

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