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Nice guys believe that if they are good and do everything right, they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.
This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves (their mistakes, needs, emotions) and become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).
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Root is toxic shame and fear of abandonment.
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Nice Guys need safe, trusting relationships to reveal their shame and humanity in order to change their core belief that they are bad and unlovable.
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Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn’t drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.
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Nice Guys want smooth lives but it's impossible - life is unpredictable. Their childhood made them think if they did everything right, life would be smooth. These beliefs help cope but don't work as adults. Nice Guys use childhood mechanisms, ensuring failure. This failure perpetuates fear and ineffectiveness in a vicious cycle.
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Nice Guys need to learn how to set boundaries to take control of their lives. At first, they might go to extremes, but they learn to use the right amount of resistance. Setting boundaries is about changing themselves, not others, and taking responsibility helps relationships grow and get better.
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In order to reverse the effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, Nice Guys have to reclaim their masculinity.
Reclaiming one’s masculinity involves:
As Nice Guys reclaim their masculine energy, everyone wins. Not only does the recovering Nice Guy get to experience deeper bonds with men, but his relationships with women grow too.
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Nice Guys struggle to find love because of their feelings of shame, problems in relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, repeating childhood patterns, strong connection to their mother, and challenges in ending things positively.
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In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don’t sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted.
Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man.
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Fear is the main thing that holds Nice Guys back. It affects everything they do or don't do. They fear making mistakes, failing, or even succeeding because they worry about being exposed as frauds or not living up to expectations. Instead of facing these fears, Nice Guys settle for less than what they could achieve.
This keeps them from being creative, focusing on their mistakes, and taking risks or trying new things.
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Nice Guys think there are strict rules for a happy life, but successful people make their own rules based on what works.
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If others can do it, so can you. It's time to take control, make your own rules, and turn dreams into reality.
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IDEAS CURATED BY
Cultivating Mind & Growth • Books • Psychology • Meditation • Money • Book Summaries & Recommendations .
CURATOR'S NOTE
21 Important Lessons of "No More Mr Nice Guy"
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Curious about different takes? Check out our No More Mr Nice Guy Summary book page to explore multiple unique summaries written by Deepstash users.
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