No one looks forward to awkward moments, as they can be panic-inducing. So we end up desperately following certain social rules to minimize awkwardness, like ensuring conversational silence isn’t more than four seconds or having certain formulated ways to end a phone conversation.

Trying To Be Less Awkward

<ul>
<li>Being nervous and anxious makes us turn our attention inward, thus becoming extremely self-conscious of what we say and how we appear.</li>
<li>Social anxiety also makes us become increasingly nervous when we notice the subtle audience reactions or the body language of the people who are around us.</li>
<li>By becoming extremely self-conscious in awkward situations we only overwhelm our minds to the point of becoming unable to focus on one thing (just like we are not fully focused on our conversation while driving, and vice-versa).</li>
</ul>

Self-Consciousness In Awkward Situations

When we focus on others during a conversation, we shift our attention outward and become at ease, relatively. Our exaggerated self-consciousness is gone and we become less awkward.
Keeping our mind on the goal and not on the process makes us avoid the self-focus vortex, and it also helps to take a deep breath and lighten up.

In Awkward Moments, Focus On The Others

<figure><img src="https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/02/12/smarter-living/00sl-awkward/00sl-awkward-articleLarge.jpg?quality=75&amp;auto=webp&amp;disable=upscale" srcset="https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/02/12/smarter-living/00sl-awkward/00sl-awkward-articleLarge.jpg?quality=90&amp;auto=webp 600w, https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/02/12/smarter-living/00sl-awkward/00sl-awkward-jumbo.jpg?quality=90&amp;auto=webp 1024w, https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/02/12/smarter-living/00sl-awkward/00sl-awkward-superJumbo.jpg?quality=90&amp;auto=webp 2048w" width="600" height="400"><figcaption dir="auto">Credit...
Getty Images</figcaption></figure>By Melissa DahlYou know that thing where someone is walking toward you, and you move one way but so do they, then you move the other way but so do they, and you repeat this dance until, inevitably, one of you says, “Shall we dance?”Awkward moments like these can be panic-inducing, and judging by the number of books and articles and videos on awkwardness that have popped up in recent years, this is far from a unique worry. So many of these try to help by offering outrageously specific advice. Don’t let a conversational silence last longer than <a href="https://curiosity.com/topics/the-science-of-awkward-silences-curiosity/" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">four seconds</a>. Memorize this easy formula for politely <a href="https://www.fastcodesign.com/3038950/the-science-of-politely-ending-a-conversation" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">ending a conversation</a>: “Content Summary Statement, Justification, Positive Affect Statement, Continuity, and Well-Wishing.” Tilt your head and point your feet toward people you’re talking to, in order to <a href="https://www.scienceofpeople.com/body-language-of-attraction/" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">show them</a> that you’re interested in what they’re saying.There is something soothing about this kind of prescriptive advice, especially because it’s so often backed by the sweet certainty of studies. Do exactly this, this and this, and you’ll never feel awkward again! And yet in practice, wouldn’t focusing so closely on your movements and your words only make you feel that much more self-conscious?It’s a version of something psychology researchers call explicit monitoring theory, a concept that’s often applied to athletics. The gist is this: Focusing on the details is a good way for newbies to learn the basics of some skill or sport. But when expert athletes think too hard about what they’re doing, that can cause them to screw up. Psychologists have a nifty little <a href="http://www.zeus-sport.com/EQUESTRIANPRIVATE/Resource.aspx?ID=8815" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">questionnaire</a> intended to gauge how likely people are to choke under pressure; those who are tend to be more likely to agree with statements like these:“I’m self-conscious about the way I look when I’m moving.”“I am concerned about what people think about me when I am moving.”Advertisement“If I see my reflection in a shop window, I will examine my movements.”But this theory in psychology is a useful concept for the self-conscious nonathlete, too, in part because it offers a new way to think about self-consciousness itself. It does not exist to torture you. It exists to help you learn.If “you’re learning tennis, of course as the beginner, you have to think about, ‘Where do I put my feet? How do I hold my racket?’” said Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist at Florida State University, whose <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/6707866" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">research</a> on this subject has helped shaped the theory. You start by focusing on the details: Stand right here. Hold this like this.<UL><LI>Unlock more free articles.</LI></UL>“So if you don’t know how to act in a job interview, then having a reminder to tell you, ‘O.K., sit up, make eye contact’ — all these things are likely to be helpful,” Mr. Baumeister said. When you’re new to something, it’s often necessary to zero in on the minutiae of what to say and how to act.“But over time, it becomes more and more automatic, and you even lose awareness of what you’re doing,” Mr. Baumeister said.[Want more? Every Monday, get a weekly roundup of the best advice from The Times on living a better, smarter, more fulfilling life, straight to your inbox. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/newsletters/smarter-living" title="" dir="ltr">Sign up for the Smarter Living newsletter here</a>.]AdvertisementAn unfortunate thing about being human is that nerves have a way of narrowing your attention in on yourself, even if you entered a party without intending to mentally monitor your every word and movement.“When we are anxious, we turn our attention inward, to, ‘Am I coming across O.K.?’ Or, ‘They just shifted in their seat, does that mean they’re bored?’ Or, ‘Oh my gosh, what I just said sounds totally stupid, why did I say that?’” said Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. She’s also the author of the upcoming book “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Yourself-Critic-Anxiety/dp/1250161703/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=1518204940&amp;sr=8-1" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">How to Be Yourself</a>,” which is about social anxiety.“We focus our attention inward, to ourselves, to our bodies,” she said.The problem is that our brains can attend to only so much at once, said Sian Beilock, a cognitive scientist and the president of Barnard College. Think of that awkward elevator ride you shared with your company’s C.E.O. and your mind blanked on the simplest things because you were trying so hard to think of something to say. (How do elevator buttons work again?)“We only have a limited ability to focus on things, which is why driving and talking on a cellphone is not a good idea, because it takes your focus away,” said Ms. Beilock, whose research on explicit monitoring theory helped inspire her 2010 book on the subject, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Choke-Secrets-Brain-Reveal-Getting/dp/1416596178/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" title="" rel="noopener noreferrer" dir="ltr">Choke</a>.” Trying to do something while worrying about how you’re doing it is like doing two things at once, she said. One of those things is going to suffer.But the question remains: Why can’t we stop being so awkward? Hard as we try to “solve” that problem, it’s kind of the wrong approach. Rather than ask, “Why am I so awkward?” ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” Much of the time, our awkwardness is self-induced because we’re overthinking our behavior so much that it becomes our only focus. Dr. Hendriksen has a little experiment she sometimes asks her social anxiety patients to try.“Have two separate conversations — and it could be with anybody. It could be with a guy at the gas station, or a co-worker or your barista. Whoever,” she said. “And in one of those conversations, focus on you, you, you. Focus on how you’re coming across, what’s happening in your body, monitor what you’re saying.Advertisement“And then, in the second conversation, focus on them, them, them,” she said.Afterward, ask yourself: Which conversation was more pleasant? And in which did you feel more at ease?“Inevitably, the second conversation is the one in which people feel most comfortable,” she said.It also helps to borrow another idea from the world of athletics: Keep your mind on the goal, not the process. To avoid the self-focus vortex in a job interview, for example, instead focus on the three things you’d like to get across.“You can focus on that rather than how you’re moving your mouth or how you’re holding your hands,” Ms. Beilock said.You know what else helps? Lightening up.“I think all the rules not only take up all our bandwidth, but I also think it sets this unattainable standard of, ‘O.K., I have to stand in a power pose and make eye contact and speak slowly,’” Dr. Hendriksen said. “And I think it creates this idea that if you don’t do all these things perfectly, that you will fail.”It’s O.K. to lower your standards a tiny bit. You will spill wine on someone. Someone else will spill wine on you. You will live. But you’d live a little happier through these moments if you could also get yourself to laugh at them.Advertisement

Self-consciousness does not exist to torture you. It exists to help you learn.

Communication

By Melissa Dahl

You know that thing where someone is walking toward you, and you move one way but so do they, then you move the other way but so do they, and you repeat this dance until, inevitably, one of you says, “Shall we dance?”

Awkward moments like these can be panic-inducing, and judging by the number of books and articles and videos on awkwardness that have popped up in recent years, this is far from a unique worry. So many of these try to help by offering outrageously specific advice. Don’t let a conversational silence last longer than <a dir="ltr" href="https://curiosity.com/topics/the-science-of-awkward-silences-curiosity/" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">four seconds </a>. Memorize this easy formula for politely <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.fastcodesign.com/3038950/the-science-of-politely-ending-a-conversation" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">ending a conversation </a>: “Content Summary Statement, Justification, Positive Affect Statement, Continuity, and Well-Wishing.” Tilt your head and point your feet toward people you’re talking to, in order to <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.scienceofpeople.com/body-language-of-attraction/" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">show them </a>that you’re interested in what they’re saying.

There is something soothing about this kind of prescriptive advice, especially because it’s so often backed by the sweet certainty of studies. Do exactly this, this and this , and you’ll never feel awkward again! And yet in practice, wouldn’t focusing so closely on your movements and your words only make you feel that much more self-conscious?

It’s a version of something psychology researchers call explicit monitoring theory, a concept that’s often applied to athletics. The gist is this: Focusing on the details is a good way for newbies to learn the basics of some skill or sport. But when expert athletes think too hard about what they’re doing, that can cause them to screw up. Psychologists have a nifty little <a dir="ltr" href="http://www.zeus-sport.com/EQUESTRIANPRIVATE/Resource.aspx?ID=8815" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">questionnaire </a>intended to gauge how likely people are to choke under pressure; those who are tend to be more likely to agree with statements like these:

“I’m self-conscious about the way I look when I’m moving.”

“I am concerned about what people think about me when I am moving.”

“If I see my reflection in a shop window, I will examine my movements.”

But this theory in psychology is a useful concept for the self-conscious nonathlete, too, in part because it offers a new way to think about self-consciousness itself. It does not exist to torture you. It exists to help you learn.

If “you’re learning tennis, of course as the beginner, you have to think about, ‘Where do I put my feet? How do I hold my racket?’” said Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist at Florida State University, whose <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/6707866" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">research </a>on this subject has helped shaped the theory. You start by focusing on the details: Stand right here. Hold this like this.

<ul><li>Unlock more free articles. </li> </ul>

“So if you don’t know how to act in a job interview, then having a reminder to tell you, ‘O.K., sit up, make eye contact’ — all these things are likely to be helpful,” Mr. Baumeister said. When you’re new to something, it’s often necessary to zero in on the minutiae of what to say and how to act.

“But over time, it becomes more and more automatic, and you even lose awareness of what you’re doing,” Mr. Baumeister said.

[Want more? Every Monday, get a weekly roundup of the best advice from The Times on living a better, smarter, more fulfilling life, straight to your inbox. <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.nytimes.com/newsletters/smarter-living" title="">Sign up for the Smarter Living newsletter here </a>.]

An unfortunate thing about being human is that nerves have a way of narrowing your attention in on yourself, even if you entered a party without intending to mentally monitor your every word and movement.

“When we are anxious, we turn our attention inward, to, ‘Am I coming across O.K.?’ Or, ‘They just shifted in their seat, does that mean they’re bored?’ Or, ‘Oh my gosh, what I just said sounds totally stupid, why did I say that?’” said Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. She’s also the author of the upcoming book “<a dir="ltr" href="https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Yourself-Critic-Anxiety/dp/1250161703/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=1518204940&amp;sr=8-1" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">How to Be Yourself </a>,” which is about social anxiety.

“We focus our attention inward, to ourselves, to our bodies,” she said.

The problem is that our brains can attend to only so much at once, said Sian Beilock, a cognitive scientist and the president of Barnard College. Think of that awkward elevator ride you shared with your company’s C.E.O. and your mind blanked on the simplest things because you were trying so hard to think of something to say. (How do elevator buttons work again?)

“We only have a limited ability to focus on things, which is why driving and talking on a cellphone is not a good idea, because it takes your focus away,” said Ms. Beilock, whose research on explicit monitoring theory helped inspire her 2010 book on the subject, “<a dir="ltr" href="https://www.amazon.com/Choke-Secrets-Brain-Reveal-Getting/dp/1416596178/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="">Choke </a>.” Trying to do something while worrying about how you’re doing it is like doing two things at once, she said. One of those things is going to suffer.

But the question remains: Why can’t we stop being so awkward? Hard as we try to “solve” that problem, it’s kind of the wrong approach. Rather than ask, “Why am I so awkward?” ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” Much of the time, our awkwardness is self-induced because we’re overthinking our behavior so much that it becomes our only focus. Dr. Hendriksen has a little experiment she sometimes asks her social anxiety patients to try.

“Have two separate conversations — and it could be with anybody. It could be with a guy at the gas station, or a co-worker or your barista. Whoever,” she said. “And in one of those conversations, focus on you, you, you . Focus on how you’re coming across, what’s happening in your body, monitor what you’re saying.

“And then, in the second conversation, focus on them, them, them ,” she said.

Afterward, ask yourself: Which conversation was more pleasant? And in which did you feel more at ease?

“Inevitably, the second conversation is the one in which people feel most comfortable,” she said.

It also helps to borrow another idea from the world of athletics: Keep your mind on the goal, not the process. To avoid the self-focus vortex in a job interview, for example, instead focus on the three things you’d like to get across.

“You can focus on that rather than how you’re moving your mouth or how you’re holding your hands,” Ms. Beilock said.

You know what else helps? Lightening up.

“I think all the rules not only take up all our bandwidth, but I also think it sets this unattainable standard of, ‘O.K., I have to stand in a power pose and make eye contact and speak slowly,’” Dr. Hendriksen said. “And I think it creates this idea that if you don’t do all these things perfectly, that you will fail.”

It’s O.K. to lower your standards a tiny bit. You will spill wine on someone. Someone else will spill wine on you. You will live. But you’d live a little happier through these moments if you could also get yourself to laugh at them.

Why Trying to Be Less Awkward Never Works

Trying To Be Less Awkward

Self-Consciousness In Awkward Situations

In Awkward Moments, Focus On The Others

It's time to
Read like a Pro.

How to Be a More Patient Person

How To Handle The Most Awkward Situations

Why Self-Help Might Actually Be Making You Less Happy

Why Trying to Be Less Awkward Never Works

Trying To Be Less Awkward

Self-Consciousness In Awkward Situations

In Awkward Moments, Focus On The Others

It's time to Read like a Pro.

How to Be a More Patient Person

How To Handle The Most Awkward Situations

Why Self-Help Might Actually Be Making You Less Happy

It's time to
Read like a Pro.