Your internal monologue can be friendly, calm, and encouraging or critical and bullying.
It is possible to change your inner monologue. Fostering compassion on ourselves can benefit not only our individual health and happiness but also that of society.

Your Internal monologue

Self Improvement

Self-compassion is not merely being kind. Compassion is best understood as turning towards suffering and taking action to reduce it.
Self-compassion is the ability to stand back and question why you feel this way, and a commitment to engage with pain at its source.

Self-compassion is not self-care

Our complex cognitive system is able to imagine and anticipate the objective self, but is also inclined to dwell on negative thoughts such as "If only I'd..." and "I should have..."
Self-compassion is a trade-off with self-criticism. For some people, the balance between the two is so skewed that the inner critic controls who they are in the world.

Accept your ‘tricky’ brain

Developing self-compassion is developing insight so you can see yourself, instead of be yourself.
Many of us have become used to avoiding uncomfortable emotions. The first step towards self-compassion is becoming aware of our inner world - what triggers the feeling of anger, disgust or shame, how we react to them, and the content and tone of our internal monologue.

Tune in to your thoughts

Ground yourself during discovery with soothing rhythm breathing, muscle relaxation or mindfulness exercises.
Soothing rhythm breathing: With your shoulders back and chest open, slow and deepen your breath. The key is to maintain the smoothness of breath: Four or five seconds in, and the same out again.

Support your mind with your body

Self-criticism is a dialogue between two aspects of yourself: the one side is attacking and angry, the other is receiving it and feeling upset and hurt.
Instead, imagine your inner dialogue as that of two strangers. As soon as you see it as external from you, you can see it more clearly.

Know when to step outside yourself

Validate, acknowledge, and reassure yourself.
If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself. We would seldom tell a friend 'it's not that bad', or 'look on the bright side.' We need to recognise within ourselves when we're hurting.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend

Speaking to yourself with warmth and kindness can feel like a verbal hug by triggering the physiological memory of feeling safe. 
A friendly facial expression and upright and open posture can positively influence your mind.

How your inner monologue speaks matters

Self-criticism is often underpinned by a fear of not being good enough, being dismissed or devalued, or seen as undesirable. This triggers our threat system and brings out the worst in our brains.
We also live in a society that is always judging and evaluating us. We are not taught how to deal with suffering.

Acknowledge the forces against you

<picture itemprop="contentUrl"><source srcset="https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=1020&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=644e87c5dac279fab29dab52a5861a97 2040w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=940&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=764ac1367f33e228a6fb72acfb45bb88 1880w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=8fd25bdd3ca08ed35062f1dd10fe7f22 1400w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=8fd25bdd3ca08ed35062f1dd10fe7f22 1400w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=660&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=e0ea3bbc7c3462e2a422af2b0c2d325e 1320w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=645&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=0b18267d4de902933477b73637841d68 1290w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=9ac8d2166e660cef47b5208a53b8c7f1 930w" sizes="(min-width: 1300px) 1020px, (min-width: 1140px) 940px, (min-width: 740px) 700px, (min-width: 660px) 660px, 100vw" media="(-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-resolution: 120dpi)"><source srcset="https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=1020&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=d516c4962a15e4eced80873a5f240025 1020w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=940&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=715cfa7c5b2af33917c5c1f635a9dd74 940w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=72e1aed1b47123fcf233d89ab8265ce1 700w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=72e1aed1b47123fcf233d89ab8265ce1 700w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=660&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=5c0e07d647b51725cb38e9d5b1d09c90 660w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=645&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=2195edbb79021d0e4966345e71ff3f05 645w, https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=fbc8d03019d1139c7428f8f1c048ac80 465w" sizes="(min-width: 1300px) 1020px, (min-width: 1140px) 940px, (min-width: 740px) 700px, (min-width: 660px) 660px, 100vw"><img alt="It is unrealistic to expect to silence your inner critic altogether– but you can train up another voice to counter it." src="https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/054ec8b64ae6e85b90e65cdda7f8cec74ae61ec0/143_0_3643_2185/master/3643.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=45&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=9ac8d2166e660cef47b5208a53b8c7f1" height="419" width="698"></picture><figcaption dir="ltr">It is unrealistic to expect to silence your inner critic altogether– but you can train up another voice to counter it. Illustration: PAUL DAVIS at Heart/The Guardian</figcaption>Is your internal monologue friendly, calm and encouraging – or critical and bullying? Here is how to change it for the better <img src="https://i.guim.co.uk/img/uploads/2019/09/03/Elle_Hunt,_L.png?width=300&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=2402ba5a4d73a4a175942a401662daa5" alt="Elle Hunt" width="60" height="60"><div><label for="dateToggle">Wed 6 Jan 2021 05.00 EST</label></div>Last modified on Wed 6 Jan 2021 07.32 EST<div data-testid="long-share-count" aria-hidden="true">1,070</div>Tobyn Bell still remembers the precise moment when his self-compassion practice paid off.He had just arrived home from work and was turning over in his mind the mistakes he had made that day, what he could or should have done – the kind of self-critical thoughts he had struggled with for years. Then, unexpectedly, another voice piped up in response, calm and steadying, addressing Bell by a fond nickname from his childhood.While training to be a mental health nurse, Bell had learned tactics to counter and give context to his inner critic. In that otherwise mundane moment, when his internal monologue leapt to meet cruelty with kindness, they were revealed to have been effective.“Because I’d really practised this self-compassionate voice, it just showed up and answered,” Bell says. “It felt really moving. I’d never thought that could be possible.”Many of us may see self-compassion as akin to mindfulness or gratitude: a worthy goal that is hard to turn into a habitual practice. But, as Bell’s example shows, it is possible to change our inner monologue, with benefits for not only our individual health and happiness, but perhaps that of society.By fostering compassion for ourselves, experts say, we are more readily able to feel it for other people, meaning our kinder, calmer, more empathic approach can radiate outwards. With more months of lockdown looming, with all the uncertainty and unhappiness that is likely to bring, changing your inner monologue is one small – and, crucially, free – step towards looking after your mental health.<h2>Know the goal</h2>Self-compassion is not self-care, in the superficial chocolates-and-bubble-bath sense – nor is it simply being kind. Paul Gilbert, a clinical psychologist and the founder of the <a href="https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">Compassionate Mind Foundation</a>, says compassion is best understood as turning towards suffering, whether it is in yourself or others, and taking action to alleviate it.Instead of finding fleeting ways to feel better, self-compassion is a readiness to engage with pain at its source. The aim is to be able to treat yourself as a doctor would, Gilbert suggests: not only taking your suffering seriously, but helping to relieve it. “It’s this ability, when we are suffering, to stand back and say: ‘What is this about, why do I feel this? And what would be the most helpful thing for me now?’”<h2>Accept your ‘tricky’ brain</h2>Negative self-talk is not evidence of something “wrong” with us that needs to be fixed; it is a feature of being human. Our propensity to cause ourselves anguish is an evolved function of what Gilbert terms our “tricky” brain. Our complex cognitive system – able to imagine, anticipate and conceive of an objective “self” – is equally inclined to dwell on negative thoughts such as “If only I’d …” and “I should have …” This triggers the same fight-or-flight, physiological response as an external threat.“Self-compassion is always a trade-off with self-criticism,” says Gilbert. For some people, the balance is so skewed that their inner critic governs who – and how – they are in the world. Not only is this a miserable existence, but it often underpins problematic relationships with drugs, alcohol, food or work, in the attempt to find some relief, as well as mental health problems including depression.<h2>Tune in to your thoughts</h2>Many of us have become adept at avoiding uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions – whether it is because we are distracted by our busy lives, or simply unable to cope with what we might find. The first step towards self-compassion is gaining awareness of our inner world: what triggers feelings of anger, disgust or shame; how we instinctively react to them; the content (and tone) of our internal monologue; and any blocks or resistances we encounter.Deborah Lee, a consultant clinical psychologist and the head of trauma services at Berkshire Healthcare, describes it as creating a new “knowledge landscape” against which the pain can be recast. “In order for you to even see that you’ve got a self-critic, you’ve got to become a wise observer.”This process may be confronting – especially, says Lee, for people with trauma, who may have absorbed their abuser’s words into their internal monologue. “Developing self-compassion is developing insight so that you can see yourself, rather than be yourself, as such. It’s an ability to feel safe as opposed to traumatised – to develop the flexibility in your mind to develop a compassionate lens.”<h2>Support your mind with your body</h2>In his practice, Gilbert shows patients how to ground themselves during their “guided discovery” with breath, muscle relaxation or mindfulness exercises. (The Calm and Headspace apps have guided meditations for compassion; there are also pdf and audio resources on the <a href="http://compassionatemind.co.uk/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">Compassionate Mind Foundation’s website</a>.)Gilbert recommends soothing rhythm breathing, which is shown to alleviate stress and anxiety through its effect on the autonomic nervous system. With your shoulders, back and chest open, slow and deepen the breath to about five breaths a minute. The key is to maintain the smoothness of breath: five (or four, or six – just be consistent) seconds in, the same again out.<h2>Step outside yourself</h2>Bell, now a psychotherapist working within the NHS in Manchester, says it is helpful to understand self-criticism as a dialogue between two aspects of the self. “There’s one part of you that’s really attacking, angry and hostile, and there’s another part of you that’s receiving it and feeling upset and hurt.”By seeing it as a relationship, you can step out of it and “relate to the conflict in a different way,” he says. In therapy, clients might differentiate between these aspects of the self by sitting in different chairs to give voice to them, or <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/08/how-can-you-conquer-ordinary-everyday-sadness-think-of-it-as-a-person" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">by personifying them</a> with form or features.Bell suggests imagining your inner dialogue as that of two strangers on the street, and describing their relationship: “Often people say: ‘Well, it’s abusive,’” he says. “As soon as you can see it as external from you, you can see it more clearly.” It may even shed light on your inner critic’s origins by bringing to mind your dynamic with a parent, teacher or peer.<h2>Treat yourself as you would a friend</h2>Nina Savelle-Rocklin, a Los Angeles-based psychoanalyst and the author of <a href="https://drninainc.com/the-binge-cure/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">The Binge Cure: 7 Steps to Outsmart Emotional Eating</a>, says many of us <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/05/the-attachment-secret-are-you-a-secure-avoidant-or-anxious-partner" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">learned to deny or smother our pain</a> in childhood, leaving us with no idea of how to soothe ourselves in later life.She devised the “Vary” acronym to inform her clients’ responses: “Validate, acknowledge, reassure yourself.” The first step is especially important, Savelle-Rocklin says. “We tell ourselves when we are in emotional pain or distress: ‘It’s not that bad,’ ‘It’s going to be OK,’ ‘Look on the bright side’ … but we need to recognise within ourselves when we’re hurting.”Savelle-Rocklin says: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.” Not using the attacking second-person voice – or judgmental words such as “normal”, “ridiculous” and “should” – in dialogue with yourself can also help.<h2>Watch your tone</h2>It is not just what your inner monologue says – how it says it matters, too. Savelle-Rocklin recalls a client attempting to comfort herself in a defeated tone: “‘It’s going to be OK, it’s not that bad’ – she sounded as if she was reciting statistics.”Speaking to yourself with warmth and kindness can “feel like a verbal hug” by triggering the physiological memory of feeling safe, says Savelle-Rocklin. Maintaining <a href="https://soundcloud.com/compassionatemind/postures-faces-and-voice-tones/s-9OPud" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">an open, upright posture</a> and friendly facial expression can similarly influence your mind, even if it doesn’t reflect how you feel, says Gilbert.<h2>Turn up another voice</h2>It is unrealistic to expect to silence your inner critic – but you can, as Bell did, train up another voice to counter it. Building a new monologue is “more positive and hopeful than thinking: ‘I’ve got to battle the critic’”, he says. He suggests starting by imagining a friend or family member who cares about you answering on your behalf.Negative self-talk can also be reframed as a well-meaning coach or protector, or simply an indicator of mental state. Bell has come to see his critical voice as a “red flag” that he is feeling vulnerable and in need of some care. “The function of it has changed … You can then use it to your benefit.”<h2>Foster the flows of compassion</h2>Compassion has as much to do with our relationships to other people as with ourselves, says Gilbert. Fostering connection and ways we can care for others reorganises our tricky brains to draw meaning from these relationships, instead of the self. When we feel supported by others, and safe, we feel better able to extend that to others.The aim is to create a “compassionate mindset” where we not only feel compassion for ourselves and others, but are open to receiving it too, says Gilbert. “Self-compassion is really recognising what it is to be human: what our basic needs are, which is a sense of connectedness, and what moves us away from that.”<h2>Acknowledge the forces against you</h2>The difficulty in fostering self-compassion is that much of modern life is geared towards competition – from <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/money/2020/oct/04/blue-sky-thinking-is-it-time-to-stop-work-taking-over-our-lives" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">our economic system</a>, modelled around the assumption of scarcity, to our entertainment, where reality television contestants fight to avoid elimination.All of this triggers our threat system, bringing out the worst in our primitive brains. A tenet of “compassion-focused therapy”, which Gilbert developed, is recognising that self-criticism is an entirely reasonable response to “swimming in a river that we shouldn’t be swimming in”, he says.“What tends to lie under self-criticism is this fear of not being good enough, being dismissed or devalued, seen as undesirable – but we live in a society that is constantly, from the day we are born, judging, evaluating, rating and ranking us … Nobody teaches us how to deal with suffering,” he says.<h2>Embrace the practice</h2>Lee says learning to be compassionate takes daily discipline, just like physical fitness. “If you want to feel the benefits … you have to put the work in.” But, she adds, the hardest part is granting yourself the permission to do it and accepting that you deserve to be at peace with yourself.Making that commitment marks the start of a “lifelong journey”, says Lee. She tells her patients that the longest relationship they will ever have is with themselves – “so would you like to take your self-critic with you, or your compassionate friend?”• In the UK, the charity <a href="https://www.mind.org.uk/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">Mind</a> is available on 0300 123 3393 and <a href="https://www.childline.org.uk/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">Childline</a> on 0800 1111. In the US, <a href="https://www.mhanational.org/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">Mental Health America</a> is available on 800-273-8255. In Australia, support is available at <a href="https://www.beyondblue.org.au/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">Beyond Blue</a> on 1300 22 4636, <a href="https://www.lifeline.org.au/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">Lifeline</a> on 13 11 14, and at <a href="https://mensline.org.au/" data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr">MensLine</a> on 1300 789 978<div>You can still give!</div>

Is your internal monologue friendly, calm and encouraging – or critical and bullying? Here is how to change it for the better

Is your internal monologue friendly, calm and encouraging – or critical and bullying? Here is how to change it for the better

Last modified on Wed 6 Jan 2021 07.32 EST

Tobyn Bell still remembers the precise moment when his self-compassion practice paid off.

He had just arrived home from work and was turning over in his mind the mistakes he had made that day, what he could or should have done – the kind of self-critical thoughts he had struggled with for years. Then, unexpectedly, another voice piped up in response, calm and steadying, addressing Bell by a fond nickname from his childhood.

While training to be a mental health nurse, Bell had learned tactics to counter and give context to his inner critic. In that otherwise mundane moment, when his internal monologue leapt to meet cruelty with kindness, they were revealed to have been effective.

“Because I’d really practised this self-compassionate voice, it just showed up and answered,” Bell says. “It felt really moving. I’d never thought that could be possible.”

Many of us may see self-compassion as akin to mindfulness or gratitude: a worthy goal that is hard to turn into a habitual practice. But, as Bell’s example shows, it is possible to change our inner monologue, with benefits for not only our individual health and happiness, but perhaps that of society.

By fostering compassion for ourselves, experts say, we are more readily able to feel it for other people, meaning our kinder, calmer, more empathic approach can radiate outwards. With more months of lockdown looming, with all the uncertainty and unhappiness that is likely to bring, changing your inner monologue is one small – and, crucially, free – step towards looking after your mental health.

Self-compassion is not self-care, in the superficial chocolates-and-bubble-bath sense – nor is it simply being kind. Paul Gilbert, a clinical psychologist and the founder of the <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/">Compassionate Mind Foundation </a>, says compassion is best understood as turning towards suffering, whether it is in yourself or others, and taking action to alleviate it.

Instead of finding fleeting ways to feel better, self-compassion is a readiness to engage with pain at its source. The aim is to be able to treat yourself as a doctor would, Gilbert suggests: not only taking your suffering seriously, but helping to relieve it. “It’s this ability, when we are suffering, to stand back and say: ‘What is this about, why do I feel this? And what would be the most helpful thing for me now?’”

Negative self-talk is not evidence of something “wrong” with us that needs to be fixed; it is a feature of being human. Our propensity to cause ourselves anguish is an evolved function of what Gilbert terms our “tricky” brain. Our complex cognitive system – able to imagine, anticipate and conceive of an objective “self” – is equally inclined to dwell on negative thoughts such as “If only I’d …” and “I should have …” This triggers the same fight-or-flight, physiological response as an external threat.

“Self-compassion is always a trade-off with self-criticism,” says Gilbert. For some people, the balance is so skewed that their inner critic governs who – and how – they are in the world. Not only is this a miserable existence, but it often underpins problematic relationships with drugs, alcohol, food or work, in the attempt to find some relief, as well as mental health problems including depression.

Many of us have become adept at avoiding uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions – whether it is because we are distracted by our busy lives, or simply unable to cope with what we might find. The first step towards self-compassion is gaining awareness of our inner world: what triggers feelings of anger, disgust or shame; how we instinctively react to them; the content (and tone) of our internal monologue; and any blocks or resistances we encounter.

Deborah Lee, a consultant clinical psychologist and the head of trauma services at Berkshire Healthcare, describes it as creating a new “knowledge landscape” against which the pain can be recast. “In order for you to even see that you’ve got a self-critic, you’ve got to become a wise observer.”

This process may be confronting – especially, says Lee, for people with trauma, who may have absorbed their abuser’s words into their internal monologue. “Developing self-compassion is developing insight so that you can see yourself, rather than be yourself, as such. It’s an ability to feel safe as opposed to traumatised – to develop the flexibility in your mind to develop a compassionate lens.”

In his practice, Gilbert shows patients how to ground themselves during their “guided discovery” with breath, muscle relaxation or mindfulness exercises. (The Calm and Headspace apps have guided meditations for compassion; there are also pdf and audio resources on the <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="http://compassionatemind.co.uk/">Compassionate Mind Foundation’s website </a>.)

Gilbert recommends soothing rhythm breathing, which is shown to alleviate stress and anxiety through its effect on the autonomic nervous system. With your shoulders, back and chest open, slow and deepen the breath to about five breaths a minute. The key is to maintain the smoothness of breath: five (or four, or six – just be consistent) seconds in, the same again out.

Bell, now a psychotherapist working within the NHS in Manchester, says it is helpful to understand self-criticism as a dialogue between two aspects of the self. “There’s one part of you that’s really attacking, angry and hostile, and there’s another part of you that’s receiving it and feeling upset and hurt.”

By seeing it as a relationship, you can step out of it and “relate to the conflict in a different way,” he says. In therapy, clients might differentiate between these aspects of the self by sitting in different chairs to give voice to them, or <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/08/how-can-you-conquer-ordinary-everyday-sadness-think-of-it-as-a-person">by personifying them </a>with form or features.

Bell suggests imagining your inner dialogue as that of two strangers on the street, and describing their relationship: “Often people say: ‘Well, it’s abusive,’” he says. “As soon as you can see it as external from you, you can see it more clearly.” It may even shed light on your inner critic’s origins by bringing to mind your dynamic with a parent, teacher or peer.

Nina Savelle-Rocklin, a Los Angeles-based psychoanalyst and the author of <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://drninainc.com/the-binge-cure/">The Binge Cure: 7 Steps to Outsmart Emotional Eating </a>, says many of us <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/05/the-attachment-secret-are-you-a-secure-avoidant-or-anxious-partner">learned to deny or smother our pain </a>in childhood, leaving us with no idea of how to soothe ourselves in later life.

She devised the “Vary” acronym to inform her clients’ responses: “Validate, acknowledge, reassure yourself.” The first step is especially important, Savelle-Rocklin says. “We tell ourselves when we are in emotional pain or distress: ‘It’s not that bad,’ ‘It’s going to be OK,’ ‘Look on the bright side’ … but we need to recognise within ourselves when we’re hurting.”

Savelle-Rocklin says: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.” Not using the attacking second-person voice – or judgmental words such as “normal”, “ridiculous” and “should” – in dialogue with yourself can also help.

It is not just what your inner monologue says – how it says it matters, too. Savelle-Rocklin recalls a client attempting to comfort herself in a defeated tone: “‘It’s going to be OK, it’s not that bad’ – she sounded as if she was reciting statistics.”

Speaking to yourself with warmth and kindness can “feel like a verbal hug” by triggering the physiological memory of feeling safe, says Savelle-Rocklin. Maintaining <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://soundcloud.com/compassionatemind/postures-faces-and-voice-tones/s-9OPud">an open, upright posture </a>and friendly facial expression can similarly influence your mind, even if it doesn’t reflect how you feel, says Gilbert.

It is unrealistic to expect to silence your inner critic – but you can, as Bell did, train up another voice to counter it. Building a new monologue is “more positive and hopeful than thinking: ‘I’ve got to battle the critic’”, he says. He suggests starting by imagining a friend or family member who cares about you answering on your behalf.

Negative self-talk can also be reframed as a well-meaning coach or protector, or simply an indicator of mental state. Bell has come to see his critical voice as a “red flag” that he is feeling vulnerable and in need of some care. “The function of it has changed … You can then use it to your benefit.”

Compassion has as much to do with our relationships to other people as with ourselves, says Gilbert. Fostering connection and ways we can care for others reorganises our tricky brains to draw meaning from these relationships, instead of the self. When we feel supported by others, and safe, we feel better able to extend that to others.

The aim is to create a “compassionate mindset” where we not only feel compassion for ourselves and others, but are open to receiving it too, says Gilbert. “Self-compassion is really recognising what it is to be human: what our basic needs are, which is a sense of connectedness, and what moves us away from that.”

The difficulty in fostering self-compassion is that much of modern life is geared towards competition – from <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.theguardian.com/money/2020/oct/04/blue-sky-thinking-is-it-time-to-stop-work-taking-over-our-lives">our economic system </a>, modelled around the assumption of scarcity, to our entertainment, where reality television contestants fight to avoid elimination.

All of this triggers our threat system, bringing out the worst in our primitive brains. A tenet of “compassion-focused therapy”, which Gilbert developed, is recognising that self-criticism is an entirely reasonable response to “swimming in a river that we shouldn’t be swimming in”, he says.

“What tends to lie under self-criticism is this fear of not being good enough, being dismissed or devalued, seen as undesirable – but we live in a society that is constantly, from the day we are born, judging, evaluating, rating and ranking us … Nobody teaches us how to deal with suffering,” he says.

Lee says learning to be compassionate takes daily discipline, just like physical fitness. “If you want to feel the benefits … you have to put the work in.” But, she adds, the hardest part is granting yourself the permission to do it and accepting that you deserve to be at peace with yourself.

Making that commitment marks the start of a “lifelong journey”, says Lee. She tells her patients that the longest relationship they will ever have is with themselves – “so would you like to take your self-critic with you, or your compassionate friend?”

• In the UK, the charity <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.mind.org.uk/">Mind </a>is available on 0300 123 3393 and <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.childline.org.uk/">Childline </a>on 0800 1111. In the US, <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.mhanational.org/">Mental Health America </a>is available on 800-273-8255. In Australia, support is available at <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.beyondblue.org.au/">Beyond Blue </a>on 1300 22 4636, <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.lifeline.org.au/">Lifeline </a>on 13 11 14, and at <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://mensline.org.au/">MensLine </a>on 1300 789 978

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

Silence your inner critic: a guide to self-compassion in the toughest times

Your Internal monologue

Self-compassion is not self-care

Accept your ‘tricky’ brain

Tune in to your thoughts

Support your mind with your body

Know when to step outside yourself

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend

How your inner monologue speaks matters

Acknowledge the forces against you

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Bite-sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

Silence your inner critic: a guide to self-compassion in the toughest times

Your Internal monologue

Self-compassion is not self-care

Accept your ‘tricky’ brain

Tune in to your thoughts

Support your mind with your body

Know when to step outside yourself

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend

How your inner monologue speaks matters

Acknowledge the forces against you

IDEAS ABOUT

MORE LIKE THIS

13 Ways to Discover Your Inner Self (And Silence Your Inner Critic)

LEARNING TO SILENCE THE INNER CRITIC

9 Extraordinary Ways To Silence Your Inner Critic

It's time to

READ

LIKE

A PRO!

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career