Drop your defences - Deepstash
Drop your defences

Drop your defences

  • We listen for what we don't agree with, so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.
  • Keep an open mind and listen with an explicit intention to understand the other person.
  • Try to wrap your brain around the essence of what that hurt party needs you to get.

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Remember: A good apology is a beginning, not an end.
  • An apology isn't the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication.
  • An apology creates an opening. When done with attention and care, it can be a conduit for greater understanding and deeper connection.

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No ifs or buts
  • A sincere apology does not include caveats or qualifiers.
  • 'But' almost always signifies a rationalisation, a criticism, or an excuse
  • It doesn't matter if what you say after the 'but' is true, the 'but' makes your apology false.

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A good apology
  • A good apology is an opportunity for us to take clear and direct responsibility for our wrongdoing
  • We shouldn’t blame, evade, make excuses or bring up the past.
  • A good apology brims with accountability, meets the moment, and can transform our relationships.

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Less is more
  • Keep your apology short and mind the histrionics.
  • Over-apologising is not only irritating — it disrupts the flow of the conversation and shifts the focus away from the person who needs to be attended to
  • You've hijacked the hurt party's emotionality and made the apology about you.

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Be real.
  • Show genuine sorrow and remorse.
  • It feels vulnerable to not be in control of the outcome, but it is also courageous.

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Stay Focused
  • Your attention when apologizing should be on the impact of your words or deeds, not on your intention.
  • Zero in on the situation at hand and stay attuned to the needs of the person who is hurting.
  • It's not the two words 'I'm sorry' that heal the injury. The hurt party wants to know that we really get it, that we validate their feelings and care.

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Good apology or No apology
  • Most of us haven't been taught how to apologise
  • Our efforts tend to be harmful: vague, intrusive, demanding, or full of warnings that can leave the recipient of an apology feeling even worse.
  • When the apology is absent or it's a bad apology, it puts a crack in the very foundation of a relationship and can even end it.
  • That's why it is critical to get an apology right.

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Be sincere

The only time to apologize is when you’re genuinely remorseful. 

Avoid any apology that is forced. The person you are apologizing to will pick up on your insincerity, causing further feelings of distrust.

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