<ul><li>A good apology is an opportunity for us to take clear and direct responsibility for our wrongdoing</li><li>We shouldn’t blame, evade, make excuses or bring up the past.</li><li>A good apology brims with accountability, meets the moment, and can transform our relationships.</li></ul>

A good apology

<ul><li>A sincere apology does not include caveats or qualifiers.</li><li>'But' almost always signifies a rationalisation, a criticism, or an excuse</li><li>It doesn't matter if what you say after the 'but' is true, the 'but' makes your apology false.</li></ul>

No ifs or buts

<ul><li>Keep your apology short and mind the histrionics. </li><li>Over-apologising is not only irritating — it disrupts the flow of the conversation and shifts the focus away from the person who needs to be attended to</li><li>You've hijacked the hurt party's emotionality and made the apology about you.</li></ul>

Less is more

<ul><li>An apology isn't the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication.</li><li>An apology creates an opening. When done with attention and care, it can be a conduit for greater understanding and deeper connection.</li></ul>

Remember: A good apology is a beginning, not an end.

<ul><li>Your attention when apologizing should be on the impact of your words or deeds, not on your intention.</li><li>Zero in on the situation at hand and stay attuned to the needs of the person who is hurting.</li><li>It's not the two words 'I'm sorry' that heal the injury. The hurt party wants to know that we really get it, that we validate their feelings and care.</li></ul>

Stay Focused

<ul><li>Most of us haven't been taught how to apologise</li><li>Our efforts tend to be harmful: vague, intrusive, demanding, or full of warnings that can leave the recipient of an apology feeling even worse.</li><li>When the apology is absent or it's a bad apology, it puts a crack in the very foundation of a relationship and can even end it.</li><li>That's why it is critical to get an apology right.</li></ul>

Good apology or No apology

<ul><li>We listen for what we don't agree with, so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.</li><li>Keep an open mind and listen with an explicit intention to understand the other person.</li><li>Try to wrap your brain around the essence of what that hurt party needs you to get.</li></ul>

Drop your defences

<ul><li>Show genuine sorrow and remorse.</li><li>It feels vulnerable to not be in control of the outcome, but it is also courageous.</li></ul>

Be real.

We all screw up. What comes afterwards can make or break a relationship. In this episode, psychologist Harriet Lerner shares her tips for apologizing well and moving forward.

Drop your defences

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