<ul><li>A good apology is an opportunity for us to take clear and direct responsibility for our wrongdoing</li><li>We shouldn’t blame, evade, make excuses or bring up the past.</li><li>A good apology brims with accountability, meets the moment, and can transform our relationships.</li></ul>

A good apology

<ul><li>A sincere apology does not include caveats or qualifiers.</li><li>'But' almost always signifies a rationalisation, a criticism, or an excuse</li><li>It doesn't matter if what you say after the 'but' is true, the 'but' makes your apology false.</li></ul>

No ifs or buts

<ul><li>Keep your apology short and mind the histrionics. </li><li>Over-apologising is not only irritating — it disrupts the flow of the conversation and shifts the focus away from the person who needs to be attended to</li><li>You've hijacked the hurt party's emotionality and made the apology about you.</li></ul>

Less is more

<ul><li>An apology isn't the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication.</li><li>An apology creates an opening. When done with attention and care, it can be a conduit for greater understanding and deeper connection.</li></ul>

Remember: A good apology is a beginning, not an end.

<ul><li>Your attention when apologizing should be on the impact of your words or deeds, not on your intention.</li><li>Zero in on the situation at hand and stay attuned to the needs of the person who is hurting.</li><li>It's not the two words 'I'm sorry' that heal the injury. The hurt party wants to know that we really get it, that we validate their feelings and care.</li></ul>

Stay Focused

<ul><li>Most of us haven't been taught how to apologise</li><li>Our efforts tend to be harmful: vague, intrusive, demanding, or full of warnings that can leave the recipient of an apology feeling even worse.</li><li>When the apology is absent or it's a bad apology, it puts a crack in the very foundation of a relationship and can even end it.</li><li>That's why it is critical to get an apology right.</li></ul>

Good apology or No apology

<ul><li>We listen for what we don't agree with, so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.</li><li>Keep an open mind and listen with an explicit intention to understand the other person.</li><li>Try to wrap your brain around the essence of what that hurt party needs you to get.</li></ul>

Drop your defences

<ul><li>Show genuine sorrow and remorse.</li><li>It feels vulnerable to not be in control of the outcome, but it is also courageous.</li></ul>

Be real.

We all screw up. What comes afterwards can make or break a relationship. In this episode, psychologist Harriet Lerner shares her tips for apologizing well and moving forward.

Stay Focused

Similar ideas to Stay Focused

Four Steps To An Authentic Repair

Saying Stuff We Regret

How To Break The Cycle Of Negative Thinking