Charming with a Catch

A pathological narcissist loves to talk about himself, often in exaggerated and grandiose terms. 

Common conversational topics for narcissists include accomplishments and achievements, exciting and envy-worthy activities, excessive focus on personal issues and concerns, excessive focus on looks and materialism, and putting others down to show one’s own superiority.

Many narcissists can come across as alluring and attractive, especially during the initial stages of a relationship.

While there’s nothing wrong inherently with being charming and romantic, the narcissist crafts these traits in order to use others. He or she is not really interested in you, but only in what he wants to extract from you.

Many narcissists lack reliability and follow through. This can range from regularly breaking appointments, to habitually falling through on promises and agreements.

When you observe a pattern of inconsistency between what your partner says, versus what she or he actually does, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

Some narcissists, being highly self-centered and self-absorbed, expect instant gratification to fulfill their needs. 

A quick way to detect a possible narcissist is to gently say “no,” or “let me think about it” to a request you’re not comfortable with, and see how your date responds. 

The narcissist often enjoys getting away with breaking rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping or breaking multiple appointments.

In addition, pathological narcissists often show wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, time, and physical space.

Pay attention to how your date treats service people, such as a waitress or waiter, and other support staff. If he or she orders them around like he’s the king, or picks on minor service flaws, be aware. 

Some narcissists will use their romantic partners to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized ambitions, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws:

“I can’t wait to show you off to my friends and make them jealous!”

“I talked my girlfriend into letting me live with her rent-free. I also get to use her car.”

Some narcissists will constantly put other people down, to boost their own desirability and acceptability. 

Targets of their negative talk may include “inferior” colleagues, “incompetent” managers, “clueless” friends, and “flawed” former relations. 

A narcissist will frequently react negatively when you don’t give them what they want, in the way they want it. Some of the common responses include:

• Anger – Tantrum. Negative judgment. Personal attacks. Ridicule.
• Passive-Aggression – The silent treatment. Withhold of love and affection). Sarcasm. Calculated separation.
• Emotional Coercion – Blame. Guilt trip. Calling the partner ungrateful. Threaten to withhold love and intimacy. Pretend narcissistic victimhood.

What distinguishes a narcissist’s lack of commitment is his or her desire to keep the status quo with you, reap the benefits of intimacy, while keeping an eye out for other, perhaps more eligible (in the narcissist’s view) prospects.