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10 Signs You're Dating a Narcissist

Boundary Breaker

The narcissist often enjoys getting away with breaking rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping or breaking multiple appointments.

In addition, pathological narcissists often show wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, time, and physical space.

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

10 Signs You're Dating a Narcissist

10 Signs You're Dating a Narcissist

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/communication-success/201507/10-signs-you-re-dating-narcissist

psychologytoday.com

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Key Ideas

Loves to Talk About Oneself

A pathological narcissist loves to talk about himself, often in exaggerated and grandiose terms. 

Common conversational topics for narcissists include accomplishments and achievements, exciting and envy-worthy activities, excessive focus on personal issues and concerns, excessive focus on looks and materialism, and putting others down to show one’s own superiority.

Charming with a Catch

Many narcissists can come across as alluring and attractive, especially during the initial stages of a relationship.

While there’s nothing wrong inherently with being charming and romantic, the narcissist crafts these traits in order to use others. He or she is not really interested in you, but only in what he wants to extract from you.

Lack of Reliability and Follow Through

Many narcissists lack reliability and follow through. This can range from regularly breaking appointments, to habitually falling through on promises and agreements.

When you observe a pattern of inconsistency between what your partner says, versus what she or he actually does, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

Instant Gratification

Some narcissists, being highly self-centered and self-absorbed, expect instant gratification to fulfill their needs. 

A quick way to detect a possible narcissist is to gently say “no,” or “let me think about it” to a request you’re not comfortable with, and see how your date responds. 

Boundary Breaker

The narcissist often enjoys getting away with breaking rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping or breaking multiple appointments.

In addition, pathological narcissists often show wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, time, and physical space.

Entitlement

Narcissists often expect people to cater to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them. 

Pay attention to how your date treats service people, such as a waitress or waiter, and other support staff. If he or she orders them around like he’s the king, or picks on minor service flaws, be aware. 

Manipulation

Some narcissists will use their romantic partners to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized ambitions, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws:

“I can’t wait to show you off to my friends and make them jealous!”

“I talked my girlfriend into letting me live with her rent-free. I also get to use her car.”

Constantly Puts Others Down

Some narcissists will constantly put other people down, to boost their own desirability and acceptability. 

Targets of their negative talk may include “inferior” colleagues, “incompetent” managers, “clueless” friends, and “flawed” former relations. 

Can't stand disappointment

A narcissist will frequently react negatively when you don’t give them what they want, in the way they want it. Some of the common responses include:

  • Anger – Tantrum. Negative judgment. Personal attacks. Ridicule.
  • Passive-Aggression – The silent treatment. Withhold of love and affection). Sarcasm. Calculated separation.
  • Emotional Coercion – Blame. Guilt trip. Calling the partner ungrateful. Threaten to withhold love and intimacy. Pretend narcissistic victimhood.

Lack of Commitment

What distinguishes a narcissist’s lack of commitment is his or her desire to keep the status quo with you, reap the benefits of intimacy, while keeping an eye out for other, perhaps more eligible (in the narcissist’s view) prospects.

SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Superiority and entitlement

The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad, superior/inferior, and right/wrong. There is a definite hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top—which is the only place he feels safe. 

Exaggerated need for attention

Narcissists need constant attention—even following you around the house or constantly saying something to grab your attention. 

Despite all their self-absorbed, grandiose bragging, narcissists are actually very insecure and fearful of not measuring up. They constantly try to elicit praise and approval from others to shore up their fragile egos, but no matter how much they've received, they always want more.

Perfectionism

Narcissists believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it. 

The demand for unattainable perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.

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Narcissists Will Catch Our Eye

In spite of the exhibitionism, arrogance, vanity and a massive superiority complex, narcissists seem attractive, and alluring to a large section of people.

This surprising out...

The First Impression

While people perceive narcissism to be an undesirable quality in others, the first impression that gets created in seeing a narcissist is a positive one.

It may be due to the narcissists strategically presenting themselves in ways in which they are perceived having high levels of self-esteem.

Emerging Zone and Enduring Zone
  • Narcissists may seem alluring because they seem like a catch, living in the 'emerging zone' of life, which manifests itself in parties, early-stage relationships, and places where making a good first impression is key.
  • When narcissists move towards the 'enduring zone', which involves continuing a relationship, and long-term consequences, they start behaving arrogantly and negatively.

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Narcissists

They have inflated views of themselves (they think they are better than they actually are).

They make fantastic first impressions. But the stuff that works for narcissists so well in the sho...

Don't deal with them

Narcissists lack empathy, they usually don’t work hard, and in a few weeks to a few months, they make the people around them miserable. And narcissism is very hard to change. So, if at all possible, just stay away.

Kiss Up Or Shut Up

Clinical psychologist Al Bernstein recommends you kiss up to them or at least keep your mouth shut until you can get out of there.

There’s this concept called “narcissistic injury.” Pointing out a narcissist isn’t all they think they are can be like pulling the pin on a grenade. A grenade you have to see every day of your life.

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Narcissistic characteristics
  • having an inflated sense of self
  • needing constant praise
  • taking advantage of others
  • not recognizing or caring about the needs of others

People with narcissi...

See them for who they really are

Those with narcissistic personalities are pretty good at turning on the charm. Watch how they treat people when they’re not “on stage.” If you catch them lying, manipulating, or blatantly disrespecting others, there’s no reason to believe they won’t do the same to you.

The first step in dealing with a narcissistic personality is simply accepting that this is who they are.

Stop focusing on them

Whether it’s negative or positive attention, those with narcissistic personalities work hard to keep themselves in the spotlight.

You might soon find yourself buying into this tactic, pushing aside your own needs to keep them satisfied.

If you must deal with a narcissistic personality, don’t allow them to infiltrate your sense of self or define your world.

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The humble narcissist

Researchers studied whether customer service employees were more productive under narcissistic or humble leaders.

The least effective bosses were narcissists. Humble bosses we...

Narcissist and humble leaders

Narcissists believe they're unique and superior, while humble leaders know they're flawed. 

The humble narcissist has grand ambitions but doesn't feel entitled to them. He is also willing to acknowledge his weaknesses and learn from his mistakes.

Narcissism and confidence

We're all drawn to someone who shows confidence - that is the reason that narcissists are more likely to be promoted or get elected to political office. But on its own, narcissism is dangerous. It tends to promote overconfidence and it dismisses the criticism.

Adding humility to narcissism prevents capriciousness and complacency. It helps you remember that you’re human.

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Confront Bullies, Safely
Confront Bullies, Safely

Manipulators become bullies when they intimidate or harms others, and pick on people they perceive as weaker. But standing up to bullies often cause them to retreat. 

When conf...

Set Consequences

When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won’t take “no” for an answer, deploy consequence.

Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from violation to respect.

Know How To Say “No”

Diplomatically but firmly. A well articulated “no” allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. 

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Inability to distinguish

We tend to assume that confident people have more potential for leadership. 

However, there is little overlap between how good people think they are at something, and how good the...

Charismatic individuals

We seem to want leaders who are charming and entertaining, but a stand-up comedian is not the same as an effective leader.

The best leaders are humble rather than charismatic, to the point of being boring.

Narcissistic individuals

We've always admired famous people, but our admiration for people who admire themselves is on the rise. But true leaders keep their narcissism in check.

Popular advice focuses on loving yourself above all else. And this creates leaders who are unaware of their limitations. They see leadership as an entitlement. 

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People that cause grief
People that cause grief

We all know a few people that cause grief, not merely because they have a bad day but because they have severe problems and are unwilling to change.

We can learn enough to recognize i...

High-conflict people (HCP)
  1. Narcissistic HCPs: They may seem charming at first but think themselves to be superior. They insult, humiliate, mislead, and lack empathy while demanding respect and attention.
  2. Borderline HCPs: They start out friendly but can suddenly change into being extremely angry. During this rage, they may seek revenge for minor insults.
  3. Antisocial (or Sociopathic/Psychopathic) HCPs There extreme charm is a cover for their drive to dominate others through lying, stealing, publicly humiliating people, physically injuring them, and sometimes murdering them.

While these are disorders and these people are suffering, mental health professionals would advise you to keep your distance from them, if at all possible.

Behavior Patterns Of HCP

Everybody has bad days or weeks. To tell if someone is a High Conflict Person, we can look for four traits of behavior.

  1. Lots of all-or-nothing thinking: When problems arise, it is their solution or no solution. They don't compromise or listen to different points of view.
  2. Intense or unmanaged emotions: HCPs become very emotional about their points of view. Their responses are out of proportion to whatever is happening.
  3. Extreme behavior or threats: They engage in extreme negative behavior that includes physical harm, spreading lies about someone else, emotional manipulation, or obsessive contact.
  4. A preoccupation with blaming others: They frequently blame other people close to them or people in authority over them.

Nobody is perfect, but if someone has all four traits, they almost certainly are an HCP.

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Active listening

Is a technique for developing our ability to listen, to make a conscious effort to understand what people are really saying.

As a communication technique, it is used in many prof...

Core components of Active Listening
  • Comprehending: To communicate, we must first understand what the other person (or people) are actually saying.
  • Retaining: To respond in an appropriate manner, we must understand and retain what the other person has said.
  • Responding: An active response should show that we understand what the other person has said, have paid attention to their words and also read their non-verbal cues.
Improving Active Listening skills
  • Educate yourself on common cognitive biases and shortcuts;
  • Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish speaking, then provide a considered response;
  • Minimize conversational narcissism by keeping track of your use of pronouns(I, me);
  • Seek to develop a clear picture of the other person’s logic;
Intimacy
Intimacy
  • Intimacy is the key ingredient of love in a relationship. It requires a person to share his or her inner life, including the joys, quirks and vulnerabilities towards their partner and hel...

Avoidance Of Intimacy

People think they avoid intimacy as they are scared of becoming closer to other people, and in essence, avoiding showing their true selves to others. They are in effect hiding their true nature and personality from others.

People have to masquerade as someone they are not in order to get what they want and build trust among others, which may not be possible if they show their true selves beforehand.

Open Manipulators
  • Instead of hiding their true intent, Open Manipulators directly demand something which is unconventional or wrong, making their selfishness apparent, and openly disregarding the feelings of the other person, while appearing honest and transparent in the process.
  • Open Manipulators have a fundamental objective which is a selfish need even if it destroys the victim. They speak the truth to the victim but are not honest about their fundamental objective, and the background conditions that only they know. They do not care about the victim’s emotions or well-being and use them simply as a tool to use and discard.
  • When fear, instead of love is used to coerce a victim into doing something they don’t want to do, it is the opposite of intimacy.

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