Get curious about how you act - Deepstash

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Why we sabotage romantic relationships - and what we can do about it

Get curious about how you act

... when you’re in a relationship. Think about those four horsemen of the relationships apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and how often do you exhibit any of them.

Try to observe your actions and strive to understand the reasons behind them.

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Why we sabotage romantic relationships - and what we can do about it

Why we sabotage romantic relationships - and what we can do about it

https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-sabotage-romantic-relationships-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

ideas.ted.com

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Key Ideas

Stop entering relationships

... that you know are doomed.  We should not be pursuing every relationship that comes our way, but only those relationships that have the potential to work.

Relationship as a partnership

It helps to view your relationship as a “work of art” that you two are co-creating together, in real-time.

The work-of-art mindset can help counter that pessimistic self-narrative. Instead, you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

Be kind to yourself

Your reasons for developing self-sabotaging behaviors most likely spring from an understandable and human place. 

The way out of it is to have insight into who you are in a relationship. Your partner will also have a chance to get to know you, and together you can break the pattern to sabotage.

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As you most probably know, making sure there is balance at every level in your relationship will only strengthen your connection with your better half. Therefore, take all the necessary steps to ensure that whenever one of you has a bad day, the other one is there to cheer him or her up.

Efficient communication within a relationship

Whenever you feel like asking something to your partner, try saying it in a polite and affectionate way, avoiding reproaches while making sure that you set the direction of your relationship up for success.

Defensive failure

It's what occurs when we want to achieve something and we think about it constantly but we don't do it.

This happens because of a few mental blocks that are keeping us locked in this c...

“I just don’t think I can do this”

Experiencing a rocky start is enough sometimes to discourage us from going any further and we convince ourselves we don't have what it takes to do a certain task.

How to outsmart it: Develop a growth mindset and try to see each failure as just an opportunity to learn.

“People like me aren’t good at this”

While our identities can give us a sense of meaning and a place in the world, sometimes they can get in our way when we’re attempting new things: many of us will avoid doing anything that threatens our sense of self.

How to outsmart it: Find people like you, that are doing the things you'd like to do and share your concerns with them.

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First Impressions

Usually, when we meet or see a person, we create a first impression in our minds, almost unconsciously.

But the snap judgements, or quick conclusions our mind starts to entertain in the first...

The Receiving End

A snap judgement, or an unfair first impression can be a learning experience for the one who has made it, but it can also be a lifetime scar for the one on the receiving end, as it can stick with them.

The Stare

We have a natural instinct to stare at someone to gather information and categorize the person as safe or dangerous.

It is valid in some situations but it can also be hurtful and antagonizing to the other person.

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