“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.”

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

“It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.”

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. ”

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

“Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.”