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Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships | Mark Manson

Emotional Vomit And Vulnerability

Emotional vomit is when you suddenly unload an inappropriate amount of emotions and personal history onto a conversation, usually to the utter horror of the person listening.

People who do this often expect this act to suddenly fix their issues.  But the point of emotional vomit is to make you aware of your issues, so you can deal with them.

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Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships | Mark Manson

Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships | Mark Manson

https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships

markmanson.net

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Key Ideas

What Vulnerability Really Is

Vulnerability is consciously choosing to freely express your thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions regardless of what others might think of you.

Vulnerability is showing your rough edges and a willingness to accept the consequences.

Accept who you are

When someone admits they are bad at something, they will probably be more respected.

Accept who you are, faults and all.

Taking responsibility

When you take responsibility for your problems, you're in control of the solution. When you blame others, you’re handing over control to someone else. And you cannot control them.

Taking up responsibility shows that you accept reality for what it is and set out to work with what you have. 

Telling someone they’re being hurtful

Calling them out when they truly cross the line makes you vulnerable. You’re making your feelings and opinion about the other person known.

Telling someone you appreciate them

Telling someone you appreciate/admire/respect/love them, requires you to be vulnerable because their feelings might not match yours, which could change the dynamics of the relationship.

What Vulnerability Is Not

Vulnerability is not a tactic to use on other people to manipulate them. 

The goal of real vulnerability is to express yourself as genuinely as possible.

Emotional Vomit And Vulnerability

Emotional vomit is when you suddenly unload an inappropriate amount of emotions and personal history onto a conversation, usually to the utter horror of the person listening.

People who do this often expect this act to suddenly fix their issues.  But the point of emotional vomit is to make you aware of your issues, so you can deal with them.

Power In Vulnerability

Genuine vulnerability represents a deep and subtle form of power. 

In order to become more resilient, more formidable, you must first show your flaws and weaknesses for the world to see. In doing so, they lose their power over you, allowing you to live your life with more honesty and intention. 

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Vulnerability
It is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

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Daring greatly

... is about showing up and being seen, about owning our vulnerability and understanding it as the birthplace of courage.

Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both.

  • What’s keeping you out of the arena? Can you name the fear? Where do you want to be braver?
  • Figure out how you’re currently protecting yourself from vulnerability:  Perfectionism, Cynicism, Control etc.
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Why we fear vulnerability

We are afraid we will be rejected if someone finds out who we really are.

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Research suggests sticking to the truth improves relationships and may help us overcome negative emotions faster.

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Being vulnerable expands your world
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Life-altering lessons
  1. Don’t bottle up your emotions, become self-aware and explore your emotions.  Find an outlet such as writing, meditation, or talking to a friend.
  2. Vulnerability takes courage.  The gifts we unlock by being willing to be vulnerable far outweigh the difficulty in doing so.
  3. Show up, face fear, and move forward. Because fear and criticism will always be there in some form, the best course of action is always to show up anyway and move forward.
  4. Seek excellence, not perfection.  Focus on realizing excellence, the best version of yourself despite your flaws.
  5. Dare to be yourself – in your strengths, skills, and beauty as well as your flaws and insecurities. In doing so, you can realize your true strength of spirit.
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Instead of making relationships complicated and overambitious, we can just take care of these three essential but overlooked aspects:

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  3. Understanding: Someone who has a deep understanding of our traits, quirks, features, obsessions, and the way we see the world. Someone who is interesting enough for us to want to understand.
A Simpler Life

Paradoxically, by limiting our expectations about our relationship, we can concentrate on the three critical ingredients of kindness, understanding and vulnerability, and have a simple yet loving connection.

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Vulnerability increases resilience

Without genuine vulnerability, it’s impossible to build the types of relationships that can provide comfort and help us through life's hard times.

The risk of vulnerability may be high, but the rewards of positive, healthy relationships are even higher.

Vulnerability is a part of life

We are vulnerable to viruses and accidents, misunderstandings and pain caused by our fears.

Meaningful social connections sustain us and lessen our overall weakness. When we are able to admit to our vulnerabilities, we free up energy because we no longer have to put effort into maintaining our buffers. 

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Don't Shy Away From Conflict

Much can be learned from how you each deal with conflict, and avoiding it keeps you from that knowledge. 

An inability to resolve conflict is a major reason why in-love feelings fade away.

Ask In-Depth Questions

Ask the important questions -- about values, money, children, religion/spirituality, past relationships.

If you are afraid to be forthright in your questions, then the fear itself is letting you know that your fear of rejection may be in charge -- which means you have more inner work to do.

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Sabotaging behaviors
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Examine your history

This goes back to your childhood. 

For example: if you’re drawn to the excitement of meeting and starting a relationship with someone who has a lack of morals, character and is untrustworthy, try to find out about how your parents’ unhealthy habits have affected your choice in partners.

You are part of the problem

If you have a fear of abandonment and rejection and you are constantly ‘setting’ up scenarios that lead to your disappointment, you are the puppeteer controlling this. 

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