Does Punishing Other People Help Us Feel Better?

We have all felt slighted or rejected at times, even when the other person’s behavior or attitude had nothing to do with us. It is easy to project our reactions and fears onto situations when we feel insecure, especially ambiguity. But reading negative intent into something a person says ...

The answer lies in how it affects our relationships.

The hallmark of a healthy relationship is mutuality – the back and forth dance between two people as they move between connection and autonomy.

Guilt-tripping is an unwit...

This lack of awareness fuels a narcissistic tendency to rigidly adhere to one’s beliefs and impressions with “pathological certainty,” creating a perfect storm to perceive others as disloyal and abandoning and punishing non-compliance.

When someone does us wrong, it...

What leads some people to be so easily offended and resort to emotional manipulation to get others to do what they want or pay the price?

How we feel in relationships and whether disappointments are tolerable is mostly determined not by what another person does but, rather, our inte...

There is also a positive, unconscious motivation for making someone feel bad when they’ve hurt us that is often misunderstood and missed. When someone we are attached to seems impervious or indifferent to how we feel, trying to make them feel bad and evoke a reaction can be an instinctive...

Guilt-tripping is, in effect, a form of emotional blackmail. But it is typically an unconscious process whereby the guilt-tripper feels entitled and innocent of any misdeed. On the receiv...

A characteristic pattern of misinterpretations like these coupled with emotionally manipulative behavior is different from normal insecurity. This dynamic results from an essential inability to step outside of oneself and notice, as well as tolerate, that a loved one is separate from us w...

And so it goes when guilt is used unconsciously to get loved ones to do what we want and “feel our pain” – though it does not always produce the intended result. Further, when it does “work,” guilt is costly to the relationship – breeding resentment and limiting authentic engagement, co-o...

Alongside love, gifts, and food, guilt is often served up for the holidays and other emotionally loaded family gatherings. We’ve all tasted it. “Why can’t you stay longer? You're too b...

In a healthier version of events, the mom might have interpreted her son’s decision to leave in a way that was more benign and less self-focused, which would have made it easier for her to tolerate her feelings of disappointment about him leaving.

If she had thought: “I know he has a lot go...

In contrast, Michael’s mom personalized the meaning of her son’s decision to leave and, feeling rebuffed, confused her feelings with his intention and motivation – a common cognitive attri...