When Guilt Is Dished Out at Family Gatherings

Guilt-tripping is, in effect, a form of emotional blackmail. But it is typically an unconscious process whereby the guilt-tripper feels entitled and innocent of any misdeed. On the receiving end, it feels like an oppressive intangible force that invisibly intrudes into our personal space confusingly and frustratingly, bolstered by plausible deniability and reversal of blame.

What leads some people to be so easily offended and resort to emotional manipulation to get others to do what they want or pay the price?

How we feel in relationships and whether disappointments are tolerable is mostly determined not by what another person does but, rather, our interpretation of what it really means, how it affects our sense of security, and, importantly, whether these assumptions are taken as facts.

In a healthier version of events, the mom might have interpreted her son’s decision to leave in a way that was more benign and less self-focused, which would have made it easier for her to tolerate her feelings of disappointment about him leaving.

If she had thought: “I know he has a lot going on in his own life now, but it’s hard to say goodbye,” she might have felt a bittersweet feeling, appreciated him more, or maybe felt gratitude. In this mindset, she might have said, “I’ve missed you - it’s always so wonderful to see you. I’m glad you came over.”

In contrast, Michael’s mom personalized the meaning of her son’s decision to leave and, feeling rebuffed, confused her feelings with his intention and motivation – a common cognitive attribution error. Because she feared being forgotten and abandoned, she assumed, “He’s leaving because he doesn’t care about me anymore.” This interpretation set the stage for a self-fulfilling prophecy, creating the very avoidance and rejection she feared, with her accusation, implicit demand, and cold shoulder.

We have all felt slighted or rejected at times, even when the other person’s behavior or attitude had nothing to do with us. It is easy to project our reactions and fears onto situations when we feel insecure, especially ambiguity. But reading negative intent into something a person says or does because it made us feel bad is a false equivalency that typically leads to the wrong conclusion, usually a more painful one.

A characteristic pattern of misinterpretations like these coupled with emotionally manipulative behavior is different from normal insecurity. This dynamic results from an essential inability to step outside of oneself and notice, as well as tolerate, that a loved one is separate from us with their mind and motivations. People who habitually relate in this way are not onto themselves. They lack “mindsight” – the capacity to reflect, recognize and interpret their state of mind and other people’s (Siegel & Hartzell, 2018).

This lack of awareness fuels a narcissistic tendency to rigidly adhere to one’s beliefs and impressions with “pathological certainty,” creating a perfect storm to perceive others as disloyal and abandoning and punishing non-compliance.

When someone does us wrong, it’s human to want justice and seek vindication. We want whoever hurt us to suffer too, and even the score. In this case, unlike the previous example, the need to punish someone and make them feel bad is not disowned but deliberate, conscious, and even satisfying (mostly in fantasy).

Evening the score means you are caught being controlled by what the other person did and perpetuates a destructive cycle, rather than solving the problem. Winning the battle of vengeance is a defeat for the relationship, reinforcing the practice of dirty fighting and one-upmanship to manage hurt and anger. Further, encouraging this mindset in oneself rehearses a repetitive inner script and neural pathway fueling anger.

Alternatively, when we choose to uphold our standard of behavior rather than be reactive and indulge anger, we feel more peaceful, in control, and freed up to create new pathways

There is also a positive, unconscious motivation for making someone feel bad when they’ve hurt us that is often misunderstood and missed. When someone we are attached to seems impervious or indifferent to how we feel, trying to make them feel bad and evoke a reaction can be an instinctive, primitive effort to communicate pain, elicit empathy, and create a “felt” connection. This can happen when the need to connect is intense, but there is no way to get through and wake the other person out of their detachment or indifference or get them to feel something closer to the intensity of what we feel

The answer lies in how it affects our relationships.

The hallmark of a healthy relationship is mutuality – the back and forth dance between two people as they move between connection and autonomy.

Guilt-tripping is an unwitting attempt to manage perceived rejection, loneliness, or other difficult feelings by controlling other people, seeing them as responsible for our state of mind, and trying to force them to make up for our suffering or else pay the price.

The predominant attitude of entitlement and lack of respect for other people’s separateness and autonomy that is endemic to guilt violates the mutuality of relationships. And the feeling of gratitude that nourishes love and peace.

Awareness of our loved one’s limitations and propensities, in this case being on to the guilt-tripper, can allow us to preempt difficult situations and binds. We don’t have to feel guilty for setting the boundaries we need.

We can love and care about someone and legitimately, without malice, have different boundaries and needs that compete with theirs.