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The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates

Self-understanding

To make a marriage work, you have to be the right person.

Rather than looking for the right partner, become aware of your blind spots, growing edges and vulnerabilities. Take responsibility and learn how to work with them effectively. Then invite in a compatible, suitable partner.

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates

The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates

https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/02/the-first-lesson-of-marriage-101-there-are-no-soul-mates/283712/

theatlantic.com

4

Key Ideas

You can’t avoid marital conflict

Blaming, oversimplifying, and seeing oneself as a victim are all common traits of unhappy couples and failed marriages.

Conflicts should be approached by looking together at the problem.

A good marriage takes skill

Most of us don’t have adequate communication skills going into marriage. It is important to build this skill.

You need a similar worldview

Even the best communication skills won’t help a couple that sees the world completely different.

The more aligned you are on certain crucial dimensions—such as day-to-day compatibility, or whether you are on the same wavelength about larger issues—the better off you’ll be as a couple.

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Relationship app

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A relationship app is like a third, neutral party: It shows where a couple's needs and priorities differ. One app combines audio tracks and articles about psychology and marriage health, then translates them into exercises.

The shift in optimizing personal lives

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The Importance Of Commitment Signs

Correctly “reading” the signs of commitment in a potential long-term partner is crucial. When you don’t get solid information about commitment as things progress, you can miss important s...

1. What Does And What Doesn’t Signal Commitment.
The essence of commitment is both parties wanting and planning a future with each other. And that can only be perceived through actions and their context.
Some of the things that people often mistake in isolation for commitment are:
  • Wanting to have sex with someone.
  • Wanting to have a baby with no other evidence of commitment like, say, marriage.
  • Cohabitation.
  • Being married.
2. Circumstances And Commitment.

For behavior to mean something about commitment, it must be behavior that the person has control over performing. If one's options are limited by the context their intentions cannot be read.

In the context of dating and mating, option constraints on you or your partner, limits the information contained in the choices you make. That means that some may routinely misinterpret the behavior of their partners as a signal of commitment when it isn’t.

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Conflict mistaken for passion

Arguments and disagreements in relationships are normal, but screaming matches and every day fighting isn’t.

People who seek out conflict in their relationship for the intens...

Keeping the peace

Ignoring problems in a relationship in order to avoid conflict will only mean that the problems pile up until they can no longer be ignored – and by then, it might be too hard to fix.

Keeping score

Keeping track of the things that you do, versus the things that they do is a way to create pressure and conflict where there should only be teamwork. 

Sit down together and work out a plan on things like chores or bills, and who does or pays what.

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