In Desperation, the oxygen in the relationship is running out and typically people are ill-equipped to breathe life back in again, on their own. Desperation is toxic. Differences are misunderstood, needs are mostly unmet, and the likely experience is one of tension, frequent conflicts and an unending cycle of unmet expectations followed by disappointment, followed by negative reactions on either side, causing the relationship to spiral downwards.

Desperation

Great relationships don’t just happen – they are built on purpose.

This one is all about self-management, building strong skills in managing conflict, learning to treat each other well no matter how heated the argument, and working toward genuine resolutions so that relationships are strengthened not damaged through conflict.

Habit #2: BE CAREFUL, not crushing

The Isolation quadrant is a place where no one wins. People ‘check out’ physically and/or mentally. They leave companies. They leave families. They leave friendships.

Isolation 

<ul><li>Commitment to ongoing efforts in building your understanding of each other.</li><li>Being more understanding in your responses.</li><li>Choosing to act and show appreciation in meaningful, specific ways.</li></ul>

The Heart of Successful Relationships

The status of your relationships can be viewed from two dimensions: <ul><li>Motivation: How motivated are you to maintain or improve this relationship?</li><li>Ability: How able are you to maintain or improve this relationship?</li></ul>

Successful Relationship Quadrant

Most healthy relationships go through cycles between Mutual Satisfaction and Frustration from time to time, which is all perfectly fine as long as you keep learning and improving your understanding of each other and don’t get stuck or set up camp in the Frustration zone.

Mutual Satisfaction and Frustration

Focus on building Relationship Intelligence, not only Emotional Intelligence:Relational Intelligence – our ability to connect, and stay connected, with the people around us.Emotional Intelligence - awakening (or improving) our ability to handle our own emotions and how they impact the people around us.

How To Have Successful Relationships: The Big Ideas Expanded

This habit is all about developing the social skills to build mutual trust and respect in relationships by clarifying values, having courageous conversations about things that really matter to us when necessary and overcoming the hurdles of mistrust and distance that can creep into relationships.

Habit #3: ASK, don’t assume

This one is all about learning to build great rapport, warmth and connection in relationships by consistently communicating appreciation and love in meaningful ways and overcoming the hurdle of feeling unvalued because of poor communication.

Habit #4: CONNECT, before you correct

<ul><li>Successful relationships are built upon a healthy emotional bank account.</li><li>You need to be aware of the behaviours that make deposits or withdrawals from the bank account. </li><li>When you have the balance right it creates a healthy foundation for good relationships.</li><li>If you have a challenging relationship focus on topping up the emotional bank account first.</li></ul>When the bank account is low you need to ask this fundamental question:‘Do I really care enough to put in the effort to maintain or improve this relationship?’

Manage the Emotional Bank Account

This habit is all about developing our self-awareness (and other-awareness!) through understanding fundamental differences, learning to give each other ‘space and grace’ to shine in our own strengths, and overcoming the frustration of unmet expectations.

Habit #1: BE CURIOUS, not critical

<ul><li class="ql-indent-1"> There are four habits that show you how to have successful relationships: 1- Be curious, not critical. 2 - Be careful, not crushing. 3 - Ask, don't assume. 4 - Connect before you correct.</li><li class="ql-indent-1">Manage the Emotional Bank Account. This is important to create the foundation for successful relationships. If you make more withdrawals than deposits your relationship will struggle. Keep a healthy balance.</li><li class="ql-indent-1">You can explore relationships on two dimensions. Motivation - How motivated are you to maintain and improve this relationship? Ability - How able are you to maintain and improve this relationship?</li></ul>

The Three Big Ideas

Successful relationships take work and wisdom. TEDx speakers, Jon and Andrea Taylor-Cummings share the four habits demonstrated by every successful relationship. By learning the principles and techniques that underpin these 4 habits, we can all change our behaviours from habits that damage relationships to habits that strengthen them, on purpose.

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Career

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Habits

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Communication

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Love & Relationships

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Books

The quality of our relationships impacts just about everything that really matters most. They impact how we "show up" and what we are able to achieve - at home, at work and in life. They impact our health and wellbeing, and ultimately, they determine the quality of our very lives. But successful relationships don't just happen automatically. They take work. The problem is, often we have no idea what to work on! Every relationship faces hurdles. Our different views, opinions and approaches as individuals mean we have different expectations and when those expectations are not met, we feel frustrated and disappointed. Unaddressed and repeated over time, this frustration leads to broken relationships, broken homes and broken people. So many relationships lose out because we are not equipped to do relationships well before problems arise... until now. Based on over 25 years of working in relationship education, in this book, Dr. Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings share four fundamental habits that often distinguish between successful and unsuccessful relationships. Every successful relationship displays them and every failing relationship is missing at least one. By learning the principles, tools and techniques that underpin The 4 Habits(c) we can all change our behaviours from habits that damage relationships to habits that strengthen them, on purpose. This means we can all learn to "show up" better, have better conversations and achieve better outcomes in ALL our relationships - with our partners, children, colleagues, friends, everyone! These four habits are so fundamental to all relationships that they continue to resonate around the world through their TEDx Talk, which now has in excess of 1.8 million views: - Habit #1 - BE CURIOUS, not critical is about developing our self-awareness (and other-awareness!) through understanding fundamental differences, giving each other "space and grace" to shine in our own strengths and overcome the frustration of unmet expectations. - Habit #2 - BE CAREFUL, not crushing is about building strong skills in managing conflict, learning to treat each other well no matter how heated the argument, and working towards genuine resolutions so that relationships are strengthened not damaged through conflict. - Habit #3 - ASK, don't assume is about learning to build mutual trust and respect in relationships by clarifying values and having courageous conversations about things that really matter to us when necessary, overcoming the hurdles of mistrust and distance that can creep into relationships. - Habit #4 - CONNECT, before you correct is about learning to build great rapport, warmth and connection in relationships by consistently communicating appreciation and love in meaningful ways, and to overcome the hurdle of feeling unvalued because of poor communication. Together The 4 Habits provide the practical "how to" for building Emotional Intelligence in general, and Relational Intelligence in particular. When we are each equipped with the skills to do relationships well, we turn up as better versions of ourselves. Our marriages and partnerships are strengthened, our children flourish, our organisations and communities thrive, and our nations grow in health. We can and we must all become intentional about learning to do relationships well, as if our lives depended on it. Because, in reality, they do.

JONATHAN TAYLOR-CUMMINGS

Similar ideas

LISA FELDMAN BARRETT

Great Relationships

Observe distracting thoughts.