8. Learn to be strategically vulnerable

We say honesty is the best policy; I think that's right. But, it's not just about just honesty toward other people; it's about being honest with yourself.

Here's an example. As a boss, you might smartly make a habit of asking your employees if they have everything they need to be successfu...

We started with the hardest lesson to learn (asking "why" over and over), so let's end on the easiest: Emotionally intelligent people will go out of their way to find something they can express gratitude for, toward the end of every conversation.

Even better: Learn to express thanks for som...

In a difficult conversation, for example, perhaps you can learn to structure what you're saying so that the emotional undercurrent becomes, "we all face this common problem sometimes, let's solve it ," as opposed to, "you did something wrong and you need to fix it ."

"I wonder if you might ...

No matter what you choose, you might actually do the same thing afterward: sit still, look receptive, try to listen.

But the latter language choices inspire openness and the welcoming of an ongoing relationship.

We all have habits we're not even aware of: especially language habits....

"Don't just stand there," some people say. "Do something!"

But often, that's backward. (Don't just do something. Stand there.)

Learn to wait a minute ...

I'm sure you can envision this: Their voice trends upward during the course of a sentence? So that even though they're making a statement, it sounds like a question? And it's been stereotypically associated with younger people, and perhaps with women?

While I think this habit requ...

We start out with the hardest question on the planet for most people to answer: "Why? "

• Why do you want that job?
• Why are you so interested ...

Every conversation is made up of many smaller conversations, and people with high emotional intelligence understand that there's a sense of momentum that can ebb or flow as you proceed.

That's why it can be so useful to structure conversations so that you pile up agreements and understandin...

The point here is to leave people feeling good about your gratitude; rather than bothered by disagreement.

"People will forget what you said," someone once said (I think it was Maya Angelou, but there's some controversy. "People will forget what you did. But, people will never forget how y...

For all theemotional baggage  attached to the simple, four-letter word, "quit," in our society, emotionally intelligent people understand that quite often, quitti...

People often go into conversations without a clear goal in mind, or a clear structure. If they do think about structure, they sometimes do so only in basic terms, by articulating length and goals:

• By the end of this 20-minute meeting, I hope we can agree on X, Y, and Z.

This is the corollary to the second habit, above. Don't just look for your "why." Ask yourself what motivates other people to do the things they do, too.

Often enough, you can come up with a working theory. You might ask more questions to clarify. But often (this is the emotionally intelli...