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10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries
Be direct
With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue.
There are other times you might need to be frank, such as with those who have a different personality or cultural background.
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Name your limits
You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where your limits are.
Identify what you can permit and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.
Tune into your feelings
There are two key feelings that are red flags that you are letting go of your boundaries.
- Discomfort. Ask yourself what is causing the discomfort.
- Resentment. Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.
Give yourself permission
Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. Give yourself permission to set boundaries.
Practice self-awareness
If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, ask yourself what's changed. Find out what you do have control over and what you are going to do about it.
Consider your past and present
Consider how you were raised along with your role in your family. These can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries.
Is there a healthy give and take with the people you surround yourself with?
Make self-care a priority
Putting yourself first gives you the energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there for them.
Seek support
If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, seek some support: a support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.
Be assertive
It’s important to communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.
Let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you. Do it respectfully and work together to address it.
Start small
Communicating your boundaries takes practice.
Start with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increase to more challenging boundaries.
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Defining Boundaries
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The benefits of boundaries
- Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem. They protect relationships from becoming unsafe.
- Boundaries can be flexible. It’s good to think about them occasionally and reassess them.
- Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional energy. Without them, self-esteem and identity can be affected, and you can build resentment toward others.
- Boundaries give us space to grow and be vulnerable.
Determine your borders
Our boundaries are shaped by
- our heritage or culture
- the region we live in or come from
- whether we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between
- our life experiences
- our family dynamics
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NO boundaries = little self-esteem
The first step to change is admitting this.
Your boundaries are your values. Boundaries are representative of how much or little you respect yourself.
Choose your core values
You must make your boundaries about you.
Once you get clear about what matters most to you, then you can take the bigger step of communicating that to the others.
You can't change others
You are not responsible for what they say, their reactions or for the daily choices they make.
Since you can't change other people, change how you deal with them. They may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.
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