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Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is an area of psychology that describes the nature of emotional attachment between people, starting with your parents. The quality of how well you were cared for will then influence the nature of your relationships later in life.
There are four attachment strategies: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant.
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- People with this style are comfortable showing interest and affection.
- They are comfortable being alone and independent.
- They can correctly prioritize their relationships.
- They are able to draw clear boundaries and stick with them.
50% of the population is secure attachment types.
- They are often nervous and stressed about their relationships.
- They need constant reassurance and affection from their partners.
- They have trouble being alone or single.
- They are often in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
- They have trouble trusting people.
- Their behavior can be irrational and overly emotional.
- They are highly independent.
- They are self-directed.
- They are uncomfortable with intimacy.
- They complain of not enough personal space when people try to get close to them.
- They have an exit strategy in every relationship.
- They are also known as the "fearful type."
- They are afraid of intimacy and commitment, and they are distrustful.
- They spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in dysfunctional relationships.
- They often suffer from emotional problems in other areas of their life.
Our attachment styles are influenced by how we related to our parents as infants and set the pattern for how we perceive relationships as we mature.
As we get older, we continue to build on this pattern when we form relationships with our peers and other people.
Different attachment types tend to configure themselves into relationships in predictable ways.
- Secure types can handle both anxious and avoidant types in a relationship.
- Anxious and avoidants regularly end up in relationships with one another and less frequent with their own types.
- Anxious-avoidants only date each other or the least secure of the anxious types or avoidant types. These relationships are often very messy.
Your attachment style can change over time to a more secure style or an insecure style if they're not careful.
An extreme negative event, such as divorce, death of a dear one, a serious accident, etc. can cause a secure attachment type to move into a more insecure attachment type.
Anxious types can work on developing themselves, creating healthy boundaries and fostering a healthy self-image.
Avoidant types can work on opening themselves up to others and share more about themselves.
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An avoidant attachment style often stems from a parent who was unavailable or rejecting during your infancy. Since your needs were never regularly or predictably met by your caregiver, you were forced to self-soothe.
As someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style:
- You don’t feel you need others.
- The more someone tries to get close to you, the more you tend to withdraw.
- You’re uncomfortable with your emotions.
- You’re prone to minimize or disregard your partner’s feelings.
The aim of Gaslighting is to deny the other person's reality or experiences. It is a sign that you don't really believe your partners' feelings are real.
For example, if your partner says: "I'm really upset that you canceled our date", you respond with something like: "You're not really upset, it's your fault I canceled and you're just trying to blame me for it."