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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
The People Pleaser
This is a dangerous path: they end up confusing everyone around them by failing to express their true needs and feelings and they also build up a lot of frustration.
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7
Key Ideas
The image of a "good friend"
Some of the reasons why we are not that good at friendships is the fact that we don't have a clear idea of what a really good friend might be like.
Maybe we should try ...
The gift of vulnerability
Ideal friends know how to show weakness. They let us know awkward and embarrassing things about themselves.
They show how much they trust us by confessing mistakes and hardships that have the potential to open them up to possible humiliation from the world beyond.
Embracing and understanding imperfection
Ideals friends are genuinely interested in our hardships; they are not shocked by the odd and stupid things we've done.
They are not judgmental or critical of our weaknesses, because they are well aware of their own more troubled sides.
8
Key Ideas
Being a people-pleaser
If you ever say "yes", when you want to say "no", or nod in agreement when you don't agree, you've probably experienced people pleasing.
People-...
Develop Awareness Of Your Behavior
People are often unaware of their people-pleasing behavior. The habit can become so ingrained that it's automatic.
It takes full commitment to stay aware with an intention to change. Write a list of all the things you would normally do in an effort to please. Take note of each time you do them and figure out how you will change it next time.
Drop the Label
When you label yourself with "I am...," it has the potential to become your identity. "I am a people pleaser. I am not liked."
Never describe yourself as a people pleaser. Instead, describe your behavior as you make a decision to change it.
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Key Ideas
Win Arguments
- Make sure you communicate you are not there to fight (using your tone of voice, for example).
- Avoid making stateme...
Raising Your Voice
You can sense this happening when people rush to talk over one another.
Releasing Tension
- Slowing things down: take a deep breath before speaking, to create a pause, to reduce the tension and to open up the other person to your position.
- Inflections: upward inflections are good for de-escalating conflict because they show you are not there to control and command.
- The ability to crack a joke and the ability to take a joke and laugh make you more persuasive, give the impression of being on the same side and release the tension.