The People Pleaser - Deepstash

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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

The People Pleaser

It's the person that feels that most of the time there is no other option but to adjust to the expectations of others, and yet harbors a lot of hidden resentment.

This is a dangerous path: they end up confusing everyone around them by failing to express their true needs and feelings and they also build up a lot of frustration.

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Develop Awareness Of Your Behavior

People are often unaware of their people-pleasing behavior. The habit can become so ingrained that it's automatic.

It takes full commitment to stay aware with an intention to change. Write a list of all the things you would normally do in an effort to please. Take note of each time you do them and figure out how you will change it next time.

Drop the Label

When you label yourself with "I am...," it has the potential to become your identity. "I am a people pleaser. I am not liked."

Never describe yourself as a people pleaser. Instead, describe your behavior as you make a decision to change it.

Win Arguments
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Raising Your Voice
When the conversation gets heated, we tend to raise our voices and talk faster. This is a dangerous path because now the ability of both sides to change their minds is close to zero. We dig even deeper into our initial positions and beliefs and no matter how good an argument is, it is not going to be received by the other side.

You can sense this happening when people rush to talk over one another.

Releasing Tension
  • Slowing things down: take a deep breath before speaking, to create a pause, to reduce the tension and to open up the other person to your position.
  • Inflections: upward inflections are good for de-escalating conflict because they show you are not there to control and command.
  • The ability to crack a joke and the ability to take a joke and laugh make you more persuasive, give the impression of being on the same side and release the tension.