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Why small talk is so excruciating
Small talk has meaning
Anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski noted in 1923 that a great deal of talk "does not serve any purpose of communicating ideas" but "to establish bonds of personal union." He also said that small talk was merely a way to fill the silence.
He was wrong. Small talk is not just for those seeking companionship. It enacts and reinforces social roles in a whole range of social, commercial, and professional settings.
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Key Ideas
Small talk
Not everyone enjoys small talk. It is not that they are not comfortable talking, but one-on-one, small talk remains an issue.
Small talk precedes big talk in the normal course of human affairs. Most people feel the need to connect first before they delve into the serious conversation or ongoing friendships - which means those who avoid small talk are removing themselves from meaningful social interaction.
Small talk has meaning
Anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski noted in 1923 that a great deal of talk "does not serve any purpose of communicating ideas" but "to establish bonds of personal union." He also said that small talk was merely a way to fill the silence.
He was wrong. Small talk is not just for those seeking companionship. It enacts and reinforces social roles in a whole range of social, commercial, and professional settings.
Speech operates on two levels
- Speech communicates information or ideas. It is the semantic content of speech.
- On another level, talking is a social behavior. Every speech does something. It reassures, acknowledges, nurtures, enjoins, rejects, dominates, encourages, or just fill an awkward silence.
The social function speech
The daily human interaction speech is a social, relational behavior. It reveals the social fabric.
Small talk is not void of semantic content. Even saying "I am doing well" has some information. But, the primary function of small talk is to do something. It is meant to serve the purpose of social bonding.
Two talking skills
To "talk well" in the social sense is to send the correct social signals and is different from "talking well" in the communicative sense.
Few people can master both. Most people are either extremely verbal and eloquent but socially inept or intuitively at ease in a social situation but inarticulate beyond that.
Not for everyone
Not everyone needs small talk. For some small talk feels like their head is a haze of white noise and they desperately want to escape the interaction.
But, they feel comfortable if you dive straight in and ask about politics or religion or the meaning of life.
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Key Ideas
Small talk
It’s a brief conversation between you and someone you don’t know very well.
Small talk is an essential stage of a casual conversation, especially in English-speaking cultures.
How to get better at small talk
- Have a genuine interest in getting to know a person you’re talking to and learn from them.
- Ask open-ended questions. It encourages the other person you're speaking with to open up.“What do you do?” followed by “Why did you choose that type of work? How did you enter that profession?”
- Never talk about something too personal.
- Practice active listening. By paying attention to the speaker’s words, you’ll create much stronger connections.
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Key Ideas
Our brain while listening to words
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Facial expression in speech
Smiling is one of the most powerful elements when thinking about speech.
The smiley face is rated with the highest positive emotional content. The painting of the Mona Lisa with her contented smiled is one such example.
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Preparing For Small Talk
If you often find yourself participating in small talk about topics you have no interest in or have already discussed to exhaustion, the solution may be asking people unexpected...
Small Talk Questions About Work
- If you weren’t working here, what would you probably be doing right now?
- How did you become a [job title]?
- What’s the craziest thing a boss has ever asked you to do?
- If you were guaranteed to be successful, what job would you want?
- What was your first job? Did you like it?
- What’s the best career advice you’ve ever received? How about the worst?
Small Talk Questions About Entertainment
- Are you reading any good books right now? How about shows?
- Are there any apps on your phone that you can’t live without?
- If you could only watch one genre of movies for the rest of your life, what would it be?
- Do you have any podcast suggestions for my commute?
- What’s the last movie that made you cry? Or laugh aloud?
- Who is your favorite person to follow on Instagram?
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