“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”-Steven Wright

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”-Steven Wright

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”-Steven Wright

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”-Steven Wright

“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”-Steven Wright

“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”-Steven Wright

“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”-Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”-Steven Wright

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”-Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”-Steven Wright

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”-Steven Wright

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”-Steven Wright

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”-Steven Wright

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”-Steven Wright

“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”-Steven Wright

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”-Steven Wright

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”-Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”-Steven Wright

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”-Steven Wright

“I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”-Steven Wright

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”-Steven Wright

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”-Steven Wright

“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”-Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”-Steven Wright

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”-Steven Wright

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”-Steven Wright

“I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”-Steven Wright

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”-Steven Wright

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”-Steven Wright

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”-Steven Wright

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”-Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”-Steven Wright

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”-Steven Wright

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”-Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Steven Wright Famous Quotes and Saying #’s 31 - 67

“Right now I’m having amnesia and Deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”-Steven Wright

“Why are there five syllables in the word “‘monosyllabic’”-Steven Wright

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”-Steven Wright

Steven Wright Famous Quotes and Sayings #'s 31 - 67

Enjoy the best Steven Wright Quotes at BrainyQuote. Quotations by Steven Wright, American Comedian, Born December 6, 1955. Share with your friends.

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