Steven Wright Quotes - BrainyQuote

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Steven Wright Famous Quotes and Saying #’s 31 - 67

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

177 reads

#31

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

-Steven Wright

205 reads

#32

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

-Steven Wright

204 reads

#33

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

-Steven Wright

190 reads

#34

“I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”

-Steven Wright

166 reads

#35

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

-Steven Wright

181 reads

#36

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

-Steven Wright

169 reads

#37

“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”

-Steven Wright

141 reads

#38

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

-Steven Wright

139 reads

#39

“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”

-Steven Wright

123 reads

#40

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”

-Steven Wright

116 reads

#41

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

-Steven Wright

114 reads

#42

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

-Steven Wright

106 reads

#43

“Why are there five syllables in the word “‘monosyllabic’”

-Steven Wright

101 reads

#44

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

-Steven Wright

94 reads

#45

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

-Steven Wright

87 reads

#46

“I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”

-Steven Wright

87 reads

#47

“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”

-Steven Wright

94 reads

#48

“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”

-Steven Wright

88 reads

#49

“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”

-Steven Wright

78 reads

#50

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”

-Steven Wright

69 reads

#51

“Right now I’m having amnesia and Deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

-Steven Wright

80 reads

#52

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”

-Steven Wright

80 reads

#53

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

-Steven Wright

66 reads

#54

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

-Steven Wright

67 reads

#55

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

-Steven Wright

71 reads

#56

“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”

-Steven Wright

72 reads

#57

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

-Steven Wright

68 reads

#58

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”

-Steven Wright

65 reads

#59

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”

-Steven Wright

62 reads

#60

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

-Steven Wright

65 reads

#61

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”

-Steven Wright

67 reads