10. Perpetual Victims

Everyone goes through times in their lives when they are truly victimized or have to undergo severe trauma and loss. Most do whatever they can to rebound and return to a better life, even if it takes a while. But there are others who seem to live in victimhood. Someone...

onsistently not honoring agreements is a sure way to push others away. Trust in a relationship is core to its success. If someone wants to keep your trust, then they can’t ignore or rationalize breaking an agreement without an attempt to renegotiate in advance, or a sincere promise to change that...

Most people tell me that their relationships end because of emerging incompatibilities, previously hidden deal breakers, or crises such as infidelities or emerging addictions..

There are often underlying personality charact...

There is just no successful way to deal with a person who consistently keeps you waiting. They usually feel terrible doing that to you so it is hard to chastise them, but it will ultimately drive you crazy. The most common reason for chronic lateness is inertia. These people can’t easily let go o...

Have you known someone, or are you someone, who has to go over things repeatedly and relive every anguishing moment? They are obsessive about getting to the bottom of things even if they endlessly repeat themselves. They usually are so preoccupied by these forever searches that they cannot let in...

Constant expressions of outrage are either tolerated by others or agreed with and expanded. They are most often a cover for powerlessness but still inject toxicity into the relationship when continually expressed. Outrages are often not susceptible to fixing. They have a life of their own that tr...

Playful teasing is totally acceptable if the teaser and “teasee” are both okay with the interaction. But sarcasm usually has some level of scorn or mockery driving it. The joke is on the person on the other end who may be good-natured enough to laugh, but it’s a rose-covered hilt and doesn’t usua...

It is very hard to be on the other end of someone who can only see the world from their own point of view, talks only about themselves, doesn’t ask you any questions about yourself, doesn’t track things you’ve told them, and steals the lion’s share of every interaction. If that person is

Are you easily irked? Do most people and situations often irritate you? Do you react quickly when things don’t go the way you expected? Do others feel called upon often to “calm you down?” No one can be around a person who is that intolerant of too many small issues in most situations. It just ta...

The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland proclaims, “I’m late. I’m late. For a very important date. No time to say hello/goodbye. I’m late. I’m late.” People who live in a state of urgency cannot relax, continuously anticipate potential crises and are in constant readiness for combat mode. Their f...

I’m going to talk about 10 of these that come up over and over during therapy sessions, but you may also have some in your relationships that have the same effect. What they have in common is that they a...

Whether due to media advice or social pressures, most people strive to present what are their most desirable and alluring behaviors in their search for a partner.

That “positives only” prese...