But suppose simple validation doesn't work, and they respond with something like:

This is aggression that needs to have firm boundaries put on it.

Here's how to get started:

• Be clear about what constitutes aggression that you're not willing to tolerate. Take some time to write down the types of aggressive speech and behavior you want to put boundaries on.
• Next, determine how you're going to respond if that aggression comes up. For example: If my spouse starts criticizing me, I'm going to ask them once to stop. If they don't, I'm going to leave the conversation.
• Anticipate tough emotions when enforcing boundaries. Understand that enforcing your boundaries and the consequences of other people's aggression isn't going to be easy. You may feel guilty , like you're responsible for fixing the issue. You may feel worried -worried that they'll stay angry and do something stupid. In any case, don't let yourself be caught of guard by this emotional friction to enforcing your boundaries.
• In a calm moment, share your plan with the person who's anger and aggression are an issue. For example, take a few minutes one Sunday afternoon and explain to your spouse that the way they express their anger and get aggressive really bothers you. And that from now on, here's how it's going to be handled.